SM's who live with their Skids 24-7 any advice?
I'm fairly new here, and I have been so very relieved to read so much about what everyone else is going through, and that I'm not alone. I've been with my DH since SS was 7. We got married when SS was 10, he's now 13. He lives in our home, always has, BM abandoned him @ age 3, but visited with him some, a lot less now that she has another daughter, and that her second marriage has failed and she's too busy going out to the bars to find a new sucker.
We've had all sorts of growing pains (putting it mildly). Everything from BM slandering me to SS, and BM hitting on my DH, which he has absolutely no interest, to SS trying to push me into moving cars, threatening to move in with BM, CS hearings, Custody at age 11, etc. She only makes time to see him when she feels like it, about every 6-8 months. BM will have her parents pick SS up from our house and drive him to her house 30 minutes away, because it's too far for her to go. Yet every time she does this, SS thinks she's coming to save the day b/c BM spoils him rotten, does everything she can to make me and DH look bad, and lets him get away with murder.
I guess what I'm getting at, is I'd like to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. After six years, things have gotten a little easier (SS realizes sometimes that he can't use BM to manipulate us), but he still thinks that he can use threats to get his way, and b/c BM or her parents let him do it, than we're just horrible for making him do homework, etc.
Does it get better, or is there someone out there that can sympathize with this?
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Comments
It sounds like you got it
It sounds like you got it rough. You should just stick to your ground and make sure you and your DH are always on the same page and keep the communication between each other open. If SS continues to see that you're united and that you aren't going to budge and that you yourself is never going to change no matter what BM says then he'll come around. It'll be a long road but it'll hopefully be worth it in the end.
That makes me feel much more
That makes me feel much more valid for a lot of things. I've been that way sometimes, and I've told DH and SS that's how it was going to be, but then, sooner or later I get sucked in again. I just can't seem to stick with it. But I know what you're talking about with the scuzzy friends and the less than desirable behavior.
I have a full time SD10
I have a full time SD10 who's mother took off to go live in another country with her new sucker, two years ago. I have never had problems like those you described with SD10 but then her mother has never actively tried to sabotage our relationship. Has she said a couple of pissy things from time to time? Sure. But not on the scale that you're talking about.
I think this boy is in need of counseling and that you, him and your DH probably need family coaching.
I've always approached my SD's time with her mom as "vacation" time. It's total Disneyland over at her mom's house for the few weeks a year that she sees her. But when she's with her mom she doesn't have to go to school, she doesn't have sports practice and it's always summer vacation or christmas vacation. So when she comes back thinking that she should be able to stay up to all hours and play as many video games as she wants I remind her that the fun thing about going to her mom's is that its a vacation. And vacations are meant for relaxing the rules and having a good time. BUT everyone has to come back to the real world. Just like when she goes on a vacation with daddy and I and we do lots of unusual and special fun stuff but then when we come back Daddy and I go back to work, when she comes back from a vacation with her mom, it's back to the business as usual.
We have done lots of
We have done lots of counseling since the car incident (I gave DH an ultimatum). That has helped quite a bit, and he's not as angry anymore, but the maniuplation is still there on a huge level, and BM gives in every time. BM called DH once screaming at the top of her lungs b/c I made SS finish the vegetables he put on his plate, after he had multiple servings of the entree. He called and complained to her, so she called and screamed at DH. I'm not sure any counseling can fix that until she stops giving into it.
My SDs live with us 24/7
My SDs live with us 24/7 too. They have never been outwardly defiant and mean like that. They are more devious and two-faced about it. They like to lie about us to my SIL and in their school journals, get snotty with BD8 & BS4 when they think we can't hear them, for examples. The lies have been a major issue with them. I think we are finally getting it through their heads that it won't be tolerated and that we will ALWAYS find out. We tell them that they may only watch movies rated for their ages and as soon as they head out with BM's parents they watch whatever they please. BM's parents have been told about this rule too, but they never "remember" it. I don't hate my SDs, but I don't like them very much and I DO hate living with them. I have hopes that things will change some day, but they've been here two years now and they still annoy the shit out of me. You will just have to TRY to stand strong and overcome BM's influences over the boy.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
I have my skids 24/7
I have my skids 24/7 too.....sigh....today might not be such a good day to give u advice because I am very tired....in my case...the BM took off to go "live her life" and just left the kids to be raised by me and my DH....the skell of the week man was always more important than her kids...I have been thru all kinds of drama with my kids...but DH always made sure that they respected me and today, they are all older...and truly appreciate all that I do/have done for them....so there IS light at the end of the tunnel....yay!!...there I said it...LOL....my SS said it best..."I love my Mom cuz she's my Mom and yur supposed to love yur Mom...but I don't like her as a person"...that young man would lay down his life for me, tho....so I guess...if u keep fighting the good fight....hopefully there's a happy ending....I'll let u know when I get there ;)...
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....