Some parents just suck.
Venting here because keeping secrets for the benefit of the child is hard.
As much as YSD can push me to my limits at times. I truly feel bad for the kid. I can't imagine the emotional turmoil she goes through.
This kid has so much love for BM and her siblings who could care less about her. The other day after school OSD attacked YSD punching her and ripping her hair out of her head. She is always verbally abusing and taunting YSD at school and always in front of the other kids. Saying things like " go kill yourself". YSD just sat in her room and cried and OSD who lives with BM will be told how YSD is bad and OSD had every right to treat her that way. OSD could care less what SO has to say about it because of BM condoning her behavior and she tells him as much.
Yesterday YSD made gifts for BM and OSD. They stopped by for 2 min, never got out of the car to get them after leaving a bday party for YSDs oldest brother that she was not invited to.
YSD will stick up for BM and will lose her mind if she perceives you have said anything or think badly of BM.
I struggle because I want to make things better for YSD but know I can't. I have to keep my space because she has convinced herself if she shows an undying loyalty to BM. That BM will see that and will have a relationship with her again.
I have to bite my tongue, keep my distance and let her work through this on her own, in her own way. She hasnt had any issues here since her meltdown two weeks ago. But she could easily be tipped because she has so many emotions she is repressing right now that she will never unleash in the people who are really causing her all the hurt and pain.
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This is like a messed up version of stockholm syndrome
You find it with narc hcgubm who often have 1 golden child (osd) who bullies (ysd) under bio mums guidance. They get a thrill abusing and tormenting her most of the time but ysd holds out for those tiny moments or glimpse of acceptance from biomum and osd.
its a sick twisted game they enjoy and sadly not all of these kids grow up to see through this manipulative abusive bullshit ir speak up for themselves.
its an endless cycle of dysfunction & abuse
I used to feel bad for SS21
I used to feel bad for SS21 but after a while, as he got older, it felt more and more like he was choosing to stay in the dysfunction and now I feel no sympathy for him at all. He's not a victim, he's a volunteer. Also, the fact that he hurt DH so that he could hang on to the sick relationship with BM made it even easier to no longer feel bad for him.
I can feel bad for the nice stepkids like CLove's Munchkin, but not the nasty entitled ones. I start to feel like all the "poor me" crap is just them being a mini-BM and part of how they manipulate others. I know it is for my SS21.
When he was 14 and I was posting about him and feeling sorry for him, people on here pointed out he wasn't an innocent victim, but it took a while for that to really become apparent to me.
That's why I try to remain
That's why I try to remain uninvolved and try not to get too invested. It's hard because it's against natural instinct. I do not know what kind of long term effects this will have on YSD. She does go to counseling that will benefit her more than anything I could do for her.
She is only 13 so it's hard not to feel empathetic towards her.
I get it, I used to feel very
I get it, I used to feel very bad for him, after all, I'm a child mental health professional - I'm trained to feel empathy for kids in rough circumstances.
But he wore it out of me, much like a client who simply won't make any changes, yet keeps hurting others in the name of being a "victim" who can't help themselves. I also gradually became aware just how skillful my SS was at playing the victim. I began to get how people who don't know BM's full story buy her victim stories - they seem so compelling.
I hope your YSD figures it out, but honestly, with the way she treats SO, I'm guessing she won't. She will just see herself as a victim who is entitled to hurt others, just as her BM and OSD do.
I think it is only natural
I think it is only natural that a child want to be loved by their parents. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, right? That is what we are told. That is what TV shows and movies portray. A mother will do anything for her child.
Even at 13, 14, 15, 20- They have to think, how screwed up am I that my own mother doesn't love me. They don't see that it is something wrong with the parent. It is really heartbreaking and she will probably have some really F'ed up relationships in her future because of it.
Your SS is another that I
Your SS is another that I feel no sympathy for. I think like my SS he hangs onto a toxic BM for his own comfort - she lets him do whatever he wants. He doesn't care if he has to lie or hurt others. I get that my SS has developed some really maladaptive defenses, but he's also all about playing the victim for power. It's not all just an innocent response to trauma.
Lots of skids on here figure out their toxic BM by adolescence and choose the healthier parent. Those are the ones I feel sorry for. Not the ones who team up with a crazy parent for personal gain. They are just as abusive as the crazy ex. They chose the dark side.
I have no sympathy for my SS
I have no sympathy for my SS anymore either. I did for a long time, I saw how he was being pulled and manipulated and what he got when he came home from our house. I mean who decorates a bedroom with balloons and posters saying "You survived the summer with dumbass"? He never had a chance to say "I had a great summer! We went ___ and ___. We played board and card games. JMTB made all my favorite foods. It was awesome!" -- even if that was how he used to feel, he would have never been allowed to express it.
OP here SD is even sadder though. To deal with the abuse and rejection and still be willing to go back for more, hoping to make her mom love her. It is so sad. This is like a horrible battered wife that no one can understand why she just won't leave the monster.
And honestly, I lose sympathy
And honestly, I lose sympathy for people in abusive relationships who refuse to leave too. At some point for them, much like my SS, being a victim becomes a very rewarding thing and they truly don't want anything different (I'm not talking about women who stay out of genuine fear of being killed).
I also wonder whether or not OP's YSD is telling the full story - I know my SS doesn't tell the part that HE did when he cries about being a victim.
YSD will tell you how amazing
YSD will tell you how amazing and wonderful her BM is if you ask her. She chooses to beliyBMs lies or will make up excuses for BM. Everything I said is what I observe.
I have to ask you what does
I have to ask you what does your husband think about OSD telling YSD to go kill herself? WTH None of this is normal.
SO stopped talking to OSD. He
SO stopped talking to OSD. He was starting to pull away after Christmas when he finally took his blinders off and started to realize she is becoming just as toxic as BM.
At first he thought she was going to change her, it was only a phase. He has finally accepted this is who she chooses to be.
He tries as much as possible to keep YSD seperate from OSD. But just like BM she seeks her out for her love and approval. She has 5 siblings that are BMs and they all exile her. I can't imagine what that must feel like.