Hello- Help?

Hello Blog World!
This is my first time ever dowing anything like this so please excuse me if I am not very good at this.

So I am dating a man with a beautiful three year old son. Everyhting about our realationship is wonderful- but most things havn't been approached well by any of us.

So now, 2 years into this I am getting ready to meet this little boy's (I have seen the term SS so I will now adopt that term to save me the thought of what to call him) mother.

We have our SS 50% of the time so I am really helping to raise this fantastic little guy- the one hold up is that the BM will not meet me. According to her meeting me is a nightmare she can never wake up from. In my mind meeting me and finally moving forward with her life will be like waking up from a nightmare that started for her before his conception. Yes- they concived a child after the 4 year relationship was over. Oh, Alcohol you help us make such good decisions...

Anyway- I am having a ton of anxiety about meeting her- she doesn't want to do this, my boyfreind doesn't want to do this, but I am forcing it. Two years is too long! she needs to move on with her life, we need to do what is best for this child and show him that there are three people in his life who care about him and are able to be in the same place at the same time.

Please any feedback- negative or positive would be so appriciated. I really don't have anyone to talk to who has ever been in this position so I am really loking for advice from step parents or birth parents or just any people who feel that they could help!

Thank you so much for reading!

WhitacreSongbird's blog
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Honestly, I wouldn't force a

Honestly, I wouldn't force a meeting. It will happen eventually, like at school events and things like that. If there is no real reason to meet her now, then just let it be. With that being said, if there is something that SS is involved in (like an activity) don't not go because she is there. Just let things happen naturally and hopefully there will be less conflict. The boy is 3, chances are he won't remember whether or not you guys were all in the same room together at this age.

Thank you, I have really

Thank you, I have really thought about that. SS is starting sports in the fall and I know that she will be there at that point- but so will her entire family. She is very close to her family- that is great! But I would like to meet her 1:1 before meeting her entourage. I really want things to be as positive as possible so I am hoping meeting now and getting into the habit of seeing me at pick ups and drop offs (although they are seldom) might be best. Also, I am hoping to get the akward part of this over with before he can remember. Thank you so much for your comment and that is something I will revisit.

If you want to go to pickup

If you want to go to pickup and drop offs, then go, but stay in the car. The first time you go, BF can ask her if she'd like to meet you, but that's as much as I would push it. If she's going to have an issue with you, she's going to have an issue whether she meets you alone, in public or in a dark alley. I met BM when my skid was 2 (not my choice), it didn't help things at all. The longer you can stay out of things with BM, the better off you'll be.

^^^ Agree with fakemommy.

if there is something that SS is involved in (like an activity) don't not go because she is there.

^^^ This too. and if your BF or BM suggest that you don't go because of her being there don't let them get away with that.

If you start allowing them to dictate where you can and cannot go because of BM's feelings you will probably end up being a very bitter woman.

Why are you forcing a

Why are you forcing a meeting? What are you hoping to accomplish with this meeting?

Personally, the best day of my life was the day Uberskank stopped trying to communicate with me. I haven't looked at her or spoken to her in 5 years.

You were not in a relationship with this person. And after 2 years, there I see no need for you to have one.

Meeting you will not help her move on with her life. In fact, you may open up a whole new can of worms.

You need to respect her wishes and your BF's wishes, do not force this meeting. It could potently bring you a ton of unhappiness in the end.

Thanks guys- this all puts a

Thanks guys- this all puts a lot in perspective. I am going to take your advice and not force things. You are right- I am sure it will be better if it is on her terms. thanks!

Trust me when I say

Trust me when I say this.....you are much better off with the way things are right now.

There are some crazy ass BM's in our lives and I was worried forcing a meeting with her would cause the crazy to step out of the cage.

I never said it should be

I never said it should be totally on BM's terms.

I just don't think you should force the meeting just let it happen instead.

You could try reverse psychology and tell your DH I have changed my mind I really don't want to meet BM and see if she changes her mind.

I do have a question though. Does your BF spend one on one time with BM? Why hasn't she moved on yet?

Is she trying to get back together with your BF?

He doesn't spend time with

He doesn't spend time with her 1:1. they rarely see eachother. Drop offs and pick ups are typically done through day care so they may not see eachother for a month or more. But yes, she still wants them to get back together. She sees me as his "20 something slut" (we are only 5 years apart in age- come on). He and I have been together in a committed relationship for 2 years and we live togteher. So my SS lives with me 50% of the time.

We live in a fairly small place and we live close together- I know that at some point we will run into eachother. I really wanted to arrainge a meeting just to clear the air and show her I am not a monster. But also to put a face to my name and show her that I exist, I am with the DH (what does that stand for by the way- I see it used but I am not sure, is it Devoted Husband?).

As to why she hasn't moved on yet- that I don't know. She claims to still be in love with him, I can understand that- he is quite a catch, and thier child looks exactly like him and is named after him. But it has been 4 years since the break up- move on!

Yeah, you could be the

Yeah, you could be the absolute nicest person in the world and if she decides she doesn't like you and you are a monster, nothing but her growing up and getting over it will change things. BM was in love with my husband for a while too. Luckily for you, it seems your BF has clear boundaries and is committed to you, so yay for him!!

DH- darling husband
SO- significant other
BF- boyfriend or biofather dep on the context
BM- biomom
SD- stepdaughter (SS -son)
DD- darling daughter (DS- son)
BD- biodaughter (BS-son)
SF- stepfather
FH-Future husband
I'm sure there are more but hopefully that helps.

Yeah, you could be the

THANK YOU! That helps a lot!

Right, if it is at a sporting

Right, if it is at a sporting event (or something like that), that will not be on her terms, it will just happen more naturally. I just don't want you to stress too much about it. I met BM only because her and DH's exgf were stalking us... I wish it had been years into the relationship. Then maybe she wouldn't feel the need to try to contact me when she has an issue with DH!!!! A girl can dream right!?!

Yikes! That sounds

Yikes! That sounds terrible!
From what BF tells me about her I don't think that will be the case- but no one is predictable when they are hurt.

I hope that things get better for you and I hope the stalking is over- that is some scary stuff!

What is it that you hope to

What is it that you hope to get out of meeting her 1:1? SS won't be there to see it,it sounds like she's not really willing and that sets up the whole thing to be hostile and unproductive.

If you're hoping to show her that your a nice person, a good influence on SS, or that her relationship with her ex is really over, I don't think this is a good idea. You are another woman involved with bringing up her kid, she already resents you. She's not going to like you no matter how wonderful you are. Meeting you won't make her move on. It may backfire in spectacular fashion and give her particular things to focus on to justify hating you to herself. She could also feel even more threatened and try to lash out at you and BF either through the court system or by engaging in PAS.

It's not actually necessary for you to meet this woman at all. It's not bad for SS to not see you all together, it won't hurt him if you all just don't talk to each other while in the same venue. As long as there is no fighting in front of him, no death glares or other immature behavior, the kid probably won't think a thing of it. That being said, you can't control anyone else's actions. BM doesn't sound super stable and together but that's not something you can do anything about.

So I would seriously think about what the goal is and whether that's likely to be achieved by forcing this on everyone else. Be honest with yourself about your motivations and don't get too stuck on how things "should" be. Step family dynamics come in so many flavors that there isn't one way that's right.

Thank you so much- that is

Thank you so much- that is all wonderful advice! I had this picture of us all getting along and my SS not ever knowing that there was a time that we didn't speak. But you are right- and I know it. She is set up to hate me, and I understsand that. My intentions in this might have been good- but they wouldn't have produced anything productive.

Thank you for hearing me and helping me make a much better decision. As for her stability I think it is questionable for all of us.. myself included!

Glad to help I think so many

Glad to help

I think so many of us go into this with happy unicorn and rainbow, perfect blended family thoughts... And the crash back into reality could put you into surgery.

My DH tried to get me to meet to BM once upon a time, but she had no interest and hated me on principle. That was fine. I was still willing to meet her at an exchange. Then he told me some stories about her... and the RO that was he was given against her, about how she'd tried to physically attack a previous girlfriend. Then I was out. Not interested, did not see one darn productive thing coming from it. She was going to hate me no matter what and with her instability, I felt no obligation to put myself in danger - I wasn't the one that had a kid with her.

I've heard tell of happy, truly blended families, where all the parents and step parents get along, but you need the right mix of people for that. A BM that isn't over the ex, that still wants him back is never going to be one of the right mix. It's wonderful that you want this happiness for SS, it's just probably not going to happen quite that way. And that's alright. Having two totally separate families won't damage SS, you and BM not having a relationship won't damage him. The damage garbage happens when someone starts bad mouthing a parent or step to the kid. Which again, we can't control other people, so we the best we can to negate, repair or prevent the damage.

I agree. I def thought that

I agree. I def thought that we were going to live in a unicorn world. And I am not giving up on that thought just yet. She isn't ready yet and she can't be a part of my unicorn world. But maybe in time she will be, maybe she wont. But thank you for helping me to see that either way she doesn't get to dictate my relationship with SS and that us not being BFFs won't damage him emotionally. I was really afraid of that.

Just thanks to all of you! I really appriciate it!

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