First of all thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I've always felt safe here and I'm thankful for ST right now. It's hard to write all of this down, someone said it "makes it real" and it really does, but I suppose I can't hide from it forever.

My SS was with me this weekend, and spent the first night over here since DH died. It was so good having him in the house. My sister was also in town, and we settled the baby in for a nap and had an epic nerf war in the yard. We also went out for the "zombie walk" which was great fun. They have it every year in our area, think several hundred people made up like zombies gathering together and shambling en masse through downtown (here towards the theater where they have a special showing of something gory), groaning and moaning as they go. This year I was a "mom-bie" with my stroller, very silly. It was wonderful to be able to do something fun with SS.

He did well overnight. I am so in awe of how resilient and centered this kid is. We talked here and there about things DH did, remembering his funny stories. Then as I was getting ready to tuck him in, he spotted a card with a sample fragrance tube on my dresser top. I had found some "grief and loss" aromatherapy oil after I dropped DH's clothes off at the funeral home before the service.

SS: "What's this?"
Me: "Well, you know how when you smell certain things, it makes you feel good, or feel more comfortable?
SS: "Yeah, like when we have a fire?"
Me: "Yes, just like that. Some people think certain smells are good for certain things, and mix them together to make something like this that you can use. This oil is made for people who are feeling sad, and so I bought it after Dad died to make me feel better."
SS: "Oh neat" He opened it up, sniffed, and smiled. Then he dabbed it right under his nose.
Me: "Would you like to have it? I can always go and get some more."
SS: "Yeah, it REALLY works!"

Sunday was harder. BM and her husband came over to pack up and take most of the things SS wanted to have at their new house. I helped them box up books and toys, mementos and clothes. SS didn't want to take much. He was so very ready to avoid thinking about the move and left the decisions up to us. So I picked out books I know he likes best, and a couple of DH's t-shirts that make SS laugh, and a few things I know he won't want to be without for long. BM caught me crying and was very kind about it. I was so angry about her moving in the first place, before all of this happened. It just pissed me off that SS was going to have his world turned upside down again after he'd finally gotten used to living in two houses... And now I'm scared, because I really think that I'm not going to be able to keep this home for him. There's a very real chance that this weekend might be the last time he sleeps here, and the thought of that breaks my heart. I feel guilty that I can't afford it and manage everything that breaks in this old house.

And so, of course, everything that can go wrong seems to want to. The sheetrock ceiling in the basement, along with the insulation, is falling down and there's a giant hole and a giant mess in DH's workshop. I'm going to have to pull everything out so the rest of the warped ceiling can be demolished. And I think it's happening because DH replaced a support down there last year with a not-big-enough piece of lumber because it appears to be cracking.

On top of that, I'm getting a chest cold, BM tells me she is sick too and that SS is getting it as well. I so don't want to give this to the baby. How the hell do you do this without a partner?