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On Partnership, Love, and Honor - or, What's Not Good Enough

whatthesebootsaremadefor's picture

Submitted by whatthesebootsa... on Thu, 12/04/2014 - 12:02am

So I've been thinking a lot on the important stuff when it comes to relationships, especially blended marriage. I've come to some conclusions and made some promises to myself. I think some of you might relate, and I'd like to hear your ideas. So, these are the thoughts I've had and commitments I'm making to hold dear for the rest of my life.

#1. This shit is complicated already. Your relationship should be your safe place. If you're for one minute afraid to be open and honest, you have a problem and you need to fix it.

DH always played down my concerns, and said manipulative things when I pressed the issue. One night we were talking about our upcoming wedding after a counseling appointment, and I was stressed out about BM attending and her behavior, I wanted a contingency plan should she get offensive. I started to cry and his response was to shut down and tell me tears were a manipulation tactic. Of course, BM was a twit at the wedding, I was right, and I was angry after. All he had to say is that it was my choice to let her ruin it and he was "hurt" that I couldn't just let it go. I should have trusted myself and stood my ground.

#2. Love is consciously honoring your partner. If you don't feel honored and respected, run.

I married DH because I wanted to build a home and family and togetherness. I pushed myself beyond my comfort level regularly to accommodate his son's needs, his needs, and what I understood to be requirements of a second wife. I never received this effort back. When I asked that my family be just as much a part of our lives as DH's family and BM's family, I was told that it was too hard because they were there first.

#3. Don't marry an ostrich. If he won't face problems together with you, he's not holding up his end of the deal.

DH often ignored problems when they came up, and hid them from me to avoid dealing with them. When we got a shutoff notice in the mail he would hide it or tell me he'd paid it so I wouldn't ask questions. When his ex was drunk and his son was with her, he wouldn't tell me because he knew I'd document it and press him to get a lawyer. His son was in danger and he'd ignore it because it meant fighting.

#4. Everyone feels insecure sometimes, and that's ok. But if you feel that way often, there's probably a reason for it.

DH kept a lot of erotic sketches and photos of BM. I'd known they existed for a long time but not the extent of it until after he died. We argued after I discovered them in the bedside stand next to where I slept after I moved in. DH told me that it was "art" and it was disrespectful to him to ask that they go away. After all, not ALL of them were BM.

#5. It should be obvious that you are loved. If you're honest about what makes you feel loved, your partner will show you. So speak up! If it doesn't happen, the love's not there.

Last year for my birthday DH gave me a Genie Bra and a box of chocolates, bought at the last minute when he remembered. He knew that I didn't care about the money spent, but that the thought involved made me feel loved. He'd spend weeks plotting gifts for his son. I'd spend ages trying to come up with something that pleased him. He never did that for me.

There are more but that's all for tonight.

Comments

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 12/04/2014 - 3:05am

Not in any particular order

1. Communication is key. Communication is key to all types of relationships, but as you say, if you cannot openly and honestly discuss issues/concerns without arguments or with any discomfort then theres a problem.
My partner and I went through all kinds of "what if" scenarios. I was expecting drama, as of yet it has not arrived (2 years later) but from day one we talked through what we expected, what we wanted, how we would want to deal with x y z.

2. Priorities. My partner said it beautifully to me, he told me that I am his priority, he wants himself to be my priority, our relationship comes first but that our joint priority is to the care and welfare for any/all children in our care.

3. Understanding. I needed to understand and give a bit to my partner because he had been the FT CP of SD from birth till 2, when we started dating BM gained custody based on lost time and his working hours. He always knew that once BM was on her feet she would come for custody, he never blamed me for it and was actually happy it all happened before I moved in but it took a level of adjusting for him. In the beginning BM called daily because SD wouldnt eat, wouldnt sleep, wouldnt do anything without talking to her daddy. Now, theres no calls between visitation (except birthday morning) In return my partner needed to give understanding to me, I always told him I would care for SD in the same way an adult is responsible for any child in their care, but that I would not play mum to her. The relationship between me and SD was a slow growing one because in the beginning I lacked the language skill, that has turned out to be a blessing as we were able to spend that initial time slowly building something.

4. Hormones. Women get PMS, men get man-trums. Sometimes you just have to go with it.

5. Taking the time for one another. It doesnt matter if its small acts of taking care of one another. Be it coffee ready when one comes home from work. Anyone can say words but its actions that speak loudest.

6. Never going to sleep on an argument. This is something that I feel very strongly about, in my mind, the first time you and your partner spend a night sleeping apart then you've just made a dent in your relationship. It doesnt matter what the topic is, it doesnt matter if you need to stay up until 3am in the morning talking things out, you do not go to sleep until an issue is resolved and until you are both feeling loved and wanted again. The first time one of you just gives up and says goodnight you are saying you dont care enough to make it work. (Thats my personal opinion)

7. Talking! Again back to communication, it doesnt matter whether its something that could happen, something that has happen or something you plan on happening. Being able to have open dialogue is soooo important.

8. Honesty. Honesty should probably go higher up the list.

9. Partnerships do not work without being open, without trusting one another and without respecting one another. Every couple have hard moments, it doesnt matter with its financial difficulty, emotional difficulty or what it is. It happens, but its how you and your partner deal with it that makes all the difference. We had financial difficulties, when I moved here I got work but wasnt earning as much as anticipated. Was not even working as much as anticipated. It worried me, my partner and I then sat down and spent a good few hours going through all our finances and making a financial plan for the next three months. How much we needed on bills, how much was left. What we could spend on shopping, what we could use for other things and what we needed to save.

Feeling lonely in a relationship is one of the worst things you can do to one another. Everyone wants to feel loved, wants to feel cherished, and wants to know their partner has their back. Its you against the world.

When it comes to children that already exist, the parent needs to expect a level of respect from the children to the new partner but beyond that the parent needs to let it go to allow the children and partner to find a level of relationship for themselves.