O/T - I think the neighbor lady may be trying to get with my DH

So my neighbors are going through a divorce. The husband has been AWOL for about three weeks now and has been staying in a hotel. The wife is still living across the street, for I don't know how much longer.

My issue is, and I just found out about it last night, she calls my husband and texts him everyday. She'll call him bawling or call him to talk about things and it really has me a bit annoyed. We are all friends, not close friends, but friends none the less. I hung out with her more then my husband ever did or would so why she's calling and texting him everyday I have no clue. This is the mother of the daughter who decided last year that she needed to come over to our house while I was still at work, wanted to use our computer, and put her hands on my DH's upper thigh. Nothing happened. DH had her leave after she did that.

I feel like she is crossing a boundry here. I'm not sure what her intentions are but she'll call DH making comments about killing herself amongst other things. I told DH last night that if she continues that I am going to have to have a talk with her and let her know that her behavior needs to be toned down. DH is a married man and she doesn't need to be contacting him everyday multiple times throughout the day. I know that DH would never do anything with her. She may be our friend but she is completely nuts.

DH thinks that she just wants information about her stbEx and it's nothing more then that. But why call him bawling and text him all of the time about all of her drama? She really doesn' even talk to me anymore and when I do strike up a converstaion with her she is trying to get out of it as fast as possible. She never used to be like that. I could go over and hang out with her for hours talking if I wanted to.

Any thoughts from anyone? Am I way off base here or do I have a right to be concerned? She has plenty of good friends and family that she has known a lot longer and there is no reason she should be coming to my DH for a shoulder to cry on. I could see occassionally maybe, but everyday?

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I agree. I'd put a stop to

I agree. I'd put a stop to it.

Shall I run her over with my

Shall I run her over with my car?...I can leave now.

Yes, she needs to cry on someone else's shoulder.

Have the talk with her now.

Have the talk with her now. She has no right to contact your DH all the time. Tell her that she has crossed a line and you will not put up with it. I will never put up with another woman calling my DH to tell all her problems to, my DH is naive and thinks it's just being a friend and we've had to have the conversation more than once about what is appropriate and what is not. Lesson learned and it isn't going to happen again. Good luck. Your DH needs to tell her to not call him also.

BIG RED FLAGS - as in stop

BIG RED FLAGS - as in stop this right now.

Your husband does not need to have this kind of relationship with another woman. Doesn't matter that he has no intentions of ever having sex with her.

She has totally crossed the line with her actions. A true friend would never do this to you. I would cut her off right now.

I have a couple of

I have a couple of theories:

Because divorce is a big insecurity creator and she feels the need to reaffirm her attractiveness. What better way than find someone unavailable for the ultimate test?

Her marriage broke down so she, through some unconscious drive, wants someone else's marriage to break down, possibly in the same way her's did so she either doesn't feel so alone, nor does she feel like her situation is so unique.

She's the cheating whore who broke up her marriage and wants her next victim, your DH in the game.

Take your pick, but the end result is your DH needs to tell her to back off and that he will take legalaction if she doesn't stop harrassing him.

I don't know if legal action

I don't know if legal action would be neccessary and I don't think she is trying to harass DH. I'm not quite sure what she's doing I just find it very inappropriate for her to be calling and texting my DH everyday and trying to use him for her emotional support. She needs to find that else where.

If your cell phones are on

If your cell phones are on your account or if you have access to the account, go on your account and put her number in after his number to block it. That will at least cut down on the calls/texts, tho it can't stop her from coming over while you're gone.

I agree with the rest - stop

I agree with the rest - stop this chick now. Not that you don't trust your husband enough to handle her advances, but this is totally inappropriate behavior for a soon to be single woman and a married man.

Your DH needs to tell her that he is NOT her rock, NOT her go-to person and he's NOT going to be her shoulder to cry on any longer. No more texting and calling every day. Block her number!

If DH can't step up and handle her himself, you should let her know that you won't tolerate it any longer. Not that you see this woman as a threat (if you and DH are secure, she is not a viable threat to your marriage) but that she's behaving inappropriately and needs to find a family member or a trusted friend (preferably a female!) to blabber to.

If DH can't step up and

__________________________________________________

And this is what I plan to do.

Sounds like a plan!

"If DH can't step up and

"If DH can't step up and handle her himself..."
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IMO, there's absolutely no reason this man shouldn't be able and WILLING to step up & put a stop to this himself. That is the only way to send a clear message that HE is not okay with this.

Honestly, if OP has to be the one to stop it, it just sounds like her DH is fine with it & OP is a jealous wife needing to control her DH.

Exactly! This really

Exactly! This really shouldn't be YOUR issue. Your DH...out of respect for his WIFE...should have put a stop to this nonsense long ago.

Have him print out some invoices for therapy services and give them to her next time she stops by. If she wants to use him as a therapist (sex therapist??), she needs to pay up!

Put a stop to it! Your DH

Put a stop to it!

Your DH may not have any intention of doing anything with this lady but she needs to learn some boundaries regarding married men!! :jawdrop:

I agree.

100%!

Echo. You are 1000% right on.

Echo. You are 1000% right on. A female telling another to back off is taken as a challenge. THE MAN NEEDS TO SAY IT. And not throw Unhappy under the bus to do it either "My wife said we shouldn't be talking so much so knock it off."

i had a "friend" who pulled

i had a "friend" who pulled the same shit with fdh several years ago. and she ended up making her move on him and kissing him because he was willing to listen to her rattle on. they always think these women just need someone to talk to. we know better. i called that bitch out on what she did and she tried to deny it like you wouldn't believe. she didn't want to lose my friendship, bla bla bla. she should have thought about that before she decided to grope at and kiss my bf.

i think you should tell dh that HE needs to handle this. i told fdh that if i am ever in a position to have to handle shit myself again, we are DONE. because it should not come down to me having to do anything, he should be doing it himself. otherwise, these bitches just think we are jealous and insecure and that these men do want their attention or else the man himself would have said so.

Being you just found out last

Being you just found out last night that she's been calling & texting your husband every day leads me to believe that maybe your DH isn't fighting off her efforts.

By continuing to take her phone calls & accept her text messages, he's sending the message that what she's doing is acceptable & appropriate. HE is the one in a marital commitment. HE is allowing those boundaries to be crossed. HE is the one you need to take this up with.

She's made it clear by turning to him rather than you, that she is no friend of yours.

There should be no need for YOU to have a talk with her about this. Your DH should have had that talk with her the first time she called to lean on him. HE needs to be the one to remind her that he is a married man & to let her know that she needs to find another "friend" to lean on. She doesn't need to "tone it down". It needs to stop. She needs to receive the message from your husband in order to be clear that he is not interested in hearing her problems. Coming from you, it sends the message that he's fine with what she's doing & you being a crazy jealous insecure wife.

If your DH is unwilling to make the message clear with her, that may be the case.

Women have no business turning to another woman's man for support.

You are not off base as far as being suspicious, but it seems you are focusing only on her behavior, where you need to be looking at your husband's behavior as well. I can tell you, if one of my girlfriends called or texted my DH...ever...he would come to me, asking why she was contacting HIM to talk about her problems. It would make him uncomfortable & he would steer her elsewhere.

If she can't find someone else to discuss her personal problems with, she needs to find a counselor.

"I am not a big fan of

"I am not a big fan of married people have close friendships with the opposite sex. "
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I agree with this 100%.

Too many people get caught up in situations they didn't "plan" for. It's just too easy for people to overstep & for things to go too far.

Why put yourself in that position? I have a couple of close female friends I talk to about my problems. I am honest with my DH about my feelings & thoughts. I don't need other men to hang out with or confide in.

I completely agree with this.

I completely agree with this. 100% agree.

That said, I guess we know where her daughter gets her behavior from. I would put a stop to this ASAP. There is no need for YOUR husband to be ANY females shoulder to cry on unless it is his mom or his sister.

Don't wait for her to barrel through the boundaries, put a stop to it while she is dancing all over that line.

Saffron, he's not cheating on

Saffron, he's not cheating on me. He's just clueless. I had to remind him of that last night when he said that the neighbor wasn't trying to do anything. Lol. As soon as I did he agreed that he is not always the best judge of situations with other women. I just explained to him that she has other people to talk to other then my MARRIED DH and that when someone comes to you for a shoulder to cry on there usually is a reason why. He told me men just don't think like that and I called BS. I've known plenty of men that do it but I think women do it more because the damsel in distress is something that works.

A thought just occured to me.

A thought just occured to me. She never does this when I'm home. It's always when I'm not home and when all three of us are outside talking if DH goes inside and I choose to stay outside she will usually head into her home instead of staying to chat like she used to do.

I would talk to her now!! I

I would talk to her now!! I had neighbors a few years ago when I was single and they were getting divorced. I was friends with both but hung out with the wife and her kids. Her daughter was same she as my DD. She told me they were divorcing. Then every single day while she was at work he was knocking on my door under the pretense of getting the kids together. We walked down to the park a couple of times but I didn't think it was right. He didn't hit on me but she was my friend so I told her one day that I was uncomfortable with him being behind my door every day. I think she got mad at me and stopped talking to me! But I did the right thing by telling her.

This woman is avoiding you because she's guilty!! Nothing good will come out of this!!

Yes!

It's not like that echo. DH

It's not like that echo. DH just doesn't understand the opposite sex. I knew that she called him and I knew that she texted him. She did that before the divorce with things like, "we're at a volley ball match can you let the dogs out." I just found out yesterday that she has been doing it everyday, for I don't know how long, multiple times a day. DH wouldn't do anything with her regardless of her advances, but I would just like it to stop. She needs to find someone else to talk to about her drama and it's not my DH.

If it's "not like that", why

If it's "not like that", why is your DH the one she keeps calling/texting. If she was doing it before the divorce as well, it had nothing to do with wanting to find out about her DH/ex.

Your DH doesn't have to understand the opposite sex to understand boundaries in his relationship/marriage.

He's a grown man...plenty capable of speaking up for himself. However, capable does not = willing.

If he's unwilling to stand up for boundaries in your marriage, you have a big problem. You should not have to speak on his behalf.

I didn't mean for her. I was

I didn't mean for her. I was talking about him. It's not like that for him. I'm not sure what she's up to I just know that I find it highly inappropriate that she is contacting him so frequently.

But does HE find it highly

But does HE find it highly inappropriate? HE is the one who needs to address this. HE is the one you need to make this clear with.

He's very intelligent. He's

He's very intelligent. He's just stupid when it comes to reading cues from the opposite sex. He waited four months to tell me about the nieghbor's daughter putting her hands on him when I was at work because even though it made him uncomfortable he just wans't sure she meant to do it or what it meant. This was after I had made several comments about her flirting with him before he actually told me. Once I pointed it out he started noticing things about her. Things that she would do and he would remove himself from the situation. The neighbor girl has since ended her advances towards my DH.

how old is that little skank?

My DH is the same way. He

My DH is the same way. He really is clueless. Sweet as all can be, but soooooo super clueless. I had to point everything out to him from day one about SD's and BM's behavior. Once he "got it", he then said he felt stupid for not seeing it before.

Anyhow, DH had a friend he used to date. She was his "first love" when they were 16. They'd maintained a good friendship for years up until BM found a text message this friend sent him that was borderline suggestive. DH didn't realize it at the time, but this friend was clearly hitting on him. He just figured that they were both married, had been friends for 20+ years, he had no worries and she was just kidding around. BM put a stop to their friendship because she was insecure. She demanded he never speak to her again.

After he split from BM, he called this friend up and they reconnected. I met her, she was cool, we all hung out, etc. The two of them texted every day, emailed a lot and talked on the phone too, but he never hid anything from me. His phone went off once, he asked me to check it since he was cleaning our fish tank. It was her. I read it to him. She said "I'm lonely and now that we're both divorced, let's get together just the two of us and see where things may go". He was like "What do you think she means by that - she knows you and I are together!" I said, "you KNOW what she means by that and I think you need to clarify things with her immediately". He called her and said "I'm in a relationship now, you know this, you've met her and we all are friends. That's it. That's all you and I will ever be. If you can't accept that, then we can no longer be friends". She said that I was controlling him just like BM did but she was sorry, it wouldn't happen again, she was just in a "bad place" and needed the comfort of a man she trusted with her feelings.

They slowly backed off their daily texting and such and when he saw how nasty she was treating her new boyfriend (we both really loved him, he was so sweet to her) and caught her in some lies, they broke ties. I did with her too.

Never was I worried the two of them would hook up or that she was a threat to my relationship, but I'm certainly glad she's out of our lives now that I know she was actually trying to get him at more than one point.

Mine is clueless too. He is

Mine is clueless too. He is also socially inept. I think maybe slight undiagnosed Aspbergers or something. I have to TELL him when a woman is flirting with him. He never sees it.

She is almost 40 and DH and I

She is almost 40 and DH and I are in our early 30s.

no, i mean the daughter.

She's 16.

damn. what a little slut. if

damn. what a little slut. if i ever found out my daughter did anything like that, i would kick her ass myself!

It isn't about blame or

It isn't about blame or intentions. It is about boundaries and right and wrong.
____________________________________________________________

This is how I feel. I tried to explain it to him if the shoe was on the other foot and some guy that was going through a divorce was calling and texting me every day to talk to and to cry to. I'm not sure if he got the point of why I made mention of it but he did say he wouldn't like it.

I was in this situation 5

I was in this situation 5 years ago. I didn't stop it, just nodded when I questioned and got the excuses. Bottom line, my husband ended up leaving me for my "friend". She "needed" him more than me since I am SO independent. 26 years of marriage gone! Personally, I say stop it now BEFORE it can become an issue. I was blindsided, never thought he would do that to me.

I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. That's just worng. This lady is nuts though. DH and her Ex are going out for drinks tonight and she asked me yesterday to find out where they are going so that she can have someone, I am assuming follow her Ex to see where he is staying. DH also, without my knowledge or approval, gave the neighbor lady my BD's cell phone that her father pays for so that he can contact her so that she could call her stbEx with it because he won't answer her calls from her phone. When I asked for it back last night she responded with, "you want it right now." Yes I want it right now. DH had no right doing that without my approval and she doesn't need to be blowing up her stbEx's cell with my BD's cell phone. I am a little irratated with DH for that one. If I did that with SD's cell phone I don't think DH would be that thrilled about it.

Plus she had already called he stbEx with the phone before I got home from work and he didn't answer. She wanted to use DH's phone to call him but DH said no and gave her my BD's cell.

If your DH is so clueless,

If your DH is so clueless, perhaps this would help him better understand. He gave this lady YOUR daughter's phone & you're "a little irritated with him"??? I would be L.I.V.I.D. He helped himself to a phone your daughter's father is paying for FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

Your DH is seriously out of line. He's getting far too involved in this woman's business & completely demolishing any boundaries that could've existed.

ETA: To be very honest, you're posting here about how "clueless" your DH is, but given your excuses & justifications & reactions to everything, I'm wondering if you aren't the one clueless about what's going on here.

Your DH is seriously out of

Your DH is seriously out of line. He's getting far too involved in this woman's business & completely demolishing any boundaries that could've existed

^^^^^ THIS

I am upset at him for taking

I am upset at him for taking the phone and giving it to this lady without my knowledge or approval. I do believe that he did cross a boundary when he did that. I have asked him multiple times to not get involved in this whole thing. We were supposed to be a neutral country throughout all of this. There was no reason he couldn't have just told her no when she asked for his phone to call her stbEx and not give her my BD's phone. I still didn't get the phone back from her last night. DH said that he would get it from her today for me.

I am not clueless here. I know my DH and I know that regardless of her intentions he won't cheat on me. I am not threatened by her. My issue here is the blantant boundary crossing that's going on and several of you have made a good point. This is something my DH needs to address. He needs to handle the situation. If another man was texting and calling my multiple times a day everyday while DH wasn't with me I know for a fact that he would feel uncomfortable and would want that behavior to stop.

Yep, because even if it all

Yep, because even if it all comes to a halt with this woman, your DH will still be "clueless" with the next one, & you'll have this to deal with all over again.

I don't even want to think

I don't even want to think about that. I know my Dh far to well to know that when it comes to the opposite sex, he's just clueless.

Well, certainly if you don't

Well, certainly if you don't want to think about it, turning a blind eye will make it not happen, right? :?

Guys love to be the "knight

Guys love to be the "knight in shining armor." That can easily lead to situations where things "just happen." Maybe a therapist would open his eyes to how highly inappropriate this is??

I agree that the extent that

I agree that the extent that this has gotten to is completely inappropriate. DH needs to but out of their business. It's none of his concern. He shouldn't be getting into the middle of things like giving the neighbor my BD's phone. The stbEx didn't want to talk to her. Bottom line is that his wishes need to be respected. It's none or our concern that he doesn't want to talk to her and we should not be finding ways for her to do so.

And why is he giving her my BD's phone so she can contact stbEx when he doesn't want to talk with her and then going out to drinks with stbEx the following day. It's just a little on the crazy side for me.

And she's one of the people I

And she's one of the people I used to talk to about everything. Kinda like my venting buddy across the street.

It would shock me if she even

It would shock me if she even remembered anything that I said. She is on anti depressants, anti axniety, and methodon and has been since she moved in across from us two years ago.

Stop this now. My ex is now

Stop this now. My ex is now married to be person who was doing those things when I was married to him.

Look - this woman is a total

Look - this woman is a total toxic POS. She is not worthy of being anyone's friend.

I will repeat my mantra - remove toxic people from your life.

Maybe you thought she was okay in the past but you know right now she is crossing the line in SO many ways - not just the chasing your DH.

Wanting to follow her soon to be ex - hello - stalker
Stealing minutes on your daughter's phone - what kind of asshole does that

Her DH is probably dying to be rid of her. Take his lead and totally cut this bitch out of your life. There are NO redeeming qualities to her.

Nobody "stole" minutes on

Nobody "stole" minutes on the daughter's phone. OP's DH GAVE her the phone to use. This neighbor certainly is crossing boundaries, but if you have to assign the "bitch" title to someone, why wouldn't it be OP's husband??? HE is crossing as many boundaries & THEN some! And HE is the one who can't/won't handle his own shit!

OP is playing ostrich so she can keep her little world of denial. Just because she doesn't want to acknowledge the facts doesn't mean they aren't there.

You are here

O/T - I think the neighbor lady may be trying to get with my DH

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