2017 Skid Visitation Calendar
So. DH shared his 2017 visitation calendar for SD16 today and I'm already feeling stressed and overwhelmed about it.
He asked for my input. Don't know why since it ended up staying the same despite what I said. Basically, instead of EOWE DH is wanting to change the schedule to one weekend visitation and one weekday visitation per month. He and SD have talked about this and both agree that it is a good idea. SD works a lot on the weekends, and we (DH and I) travel fairly frequently on the weekends. Plus, DH says he "misses school nights" (whatever the heck that means) and thinks this will be a good way to get more quality time together.
OK. Whatever. All fine and good...though making me extra glad that I have insisted on having my office. The problem is, there's no consistency with the calendar. He's set it up where we have 14 days between some visits, and 5 between others. We also get 3 8-day long "vacation" weeks through the year. Spring Break, one in summer, and one at Christmas. On those months, we still take our two 4-day visits as well, so we end up having SD 15-16 days out of the month. Already bracing for it or trying to figure out where I can be in April, June, and December...
Here was my response to his calendar:
"It looks OK to me, though sometimes it feels like the visits are haphazard / not spaced well.
Like...there will be five days between a weekend and week visit...and then 14 days until the next visit. Any way to get it more consistent?
Also, in the months when we have long 8-day weeks do we still take both a weekend and a week? I feel like this is different than it's been before and is throwing off the schedule, making it not wrk out as evenly as it could."
So, he responded that yes, we do take our week and weekend, even during months where we have an 8-day vacation week (makes zero sense to me).
Sorry...just feeling frustrated. After the holidays, I'm just going to lay down the law about my money. DH can have SD as often as he can fully pay for having her here. No more use of the household account until he's contributing to it equally. Wish me luck.
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lol. We technically don't
lol. We technically don't have shared finances. We each have or own accounts and then we have a household account. The problem is, I currently am the only one contributing to the household account, paying all bills...and when skids are here, DH will just run out the to grocery store to buy extra food and treats...and use the household account. It drives me crazy.
Just being able to see a year
Just being able to see a year of visits in advance and being reasonably confident that it will be stuck to puts you ahead of the game. As you have already noted you now have plenty of time to arrange to by busy during visits if you want to avoid too much of sd.
Yeah...I guess. Also, SD is
Yeah...I guess. Also, SD is almost 17, so I'm feeling like this will be her last full year coming over. Thank Dog.
My main concern is that DH isn't making enough money, so I'm facilitating all of this extra-lovey time with the darling girl. Gah. He's been hunting much more earnestly in the past few weeks, though...so here's hoping he'll be able to pay for 121 days with SD in 2017...because I'm done picking up the tab.
Thought the exact same thing:
Thought the exact same thing: deer/elk can fill a freezer. {Snort} Rednecks.
I think I'd move out. Which
I think I'd move out.
Which I don't get...because I genuinely like and love my SD. Once she's here, I typically do fine. But I still dread it...and just get a little disgusted seeing her lounging all over my stuff...my chairs and couches. She just drapes her body and takes up the entire couch and watches inane TV. Our house is small...so I have to go to my room to get any personal space.
It really is weird. It's a
It really is weird. It's a feeling that I don't like having. There's nothing inherently gross about my SD...any more than any other typical teen girl (OK...so teens are typically kind of gross, I guess.) But, yeah. I don't like seeing her lounging on my couch, curling up in one of my favorite blankets, rummaging through my pantry and fridge. This is all very surprising to me because I grew up in a very open, friendly house. Oldest of 6...we had friends crash with us all the time. When it comes to my nieces and nephews...or even random people who come over...I don't feel any similar kind of inner cringing.
Maybe it's because she's a dependent on me (literally) who's not mine...and all of these things are fairly intimate. Like she feels like she belongs here...but I don't feel like she does.
I feel the same exact way.
I feel the same exact way. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. Having skids bought out a side of me that I didn't know existed. I never realized how much I felt the need to protect my home and my belongings and my space until the skids. And really the girl skids. I don't even feel that way with SS.
This would be an interesting
This would be an interesting additional blog 'cuz I'll bet that many of us have similar feelings ...
I think this was the root
I think this was the root cause for a lot of my feelings towards the skids initially. It was very confusing for me, because normally I am so open and inviting. Then I found myself being so protective of my personal space.
Oh. This isn't while she's
Oh. This isn't while she's eating. It's when she sees a cut actor or is talking about boys.
I think she's normally so sweet and innocent DH doesn't realize how odd and creepy this is.
Those tiny shorts would be
Those tiny shorts would be disappearing. It's been known to happen, there is some vortex in the laundry room I think.
How old is your SD? I have
How old is your SD? I have not seen any G strings nor thongs in my SD13s things, yet. But I'm sure they'll appear soon enough, and DH will have a coronary. Or he'll agree she needs them because she convinced him she did.
When it comes to his Disney
When it comes to his Disney tendencies with SD13, no he isn't very bright. He swears he will never let her shop at Pink/VS, but as the past has shown me, that could change any day. He just doesn't want to say no, because, and I quote, "she's a good kid". :sick:
UGH, just UGGGHHHHHH....
UGH, just UGGGHHHHHH....
I'm owning my middle-agedness
I'm owning my middle-agedness now! My SD will roll her tiny nylon short up once or twice at the wasteband. I guess to ensure the cameltoe gets wedged in there real good.
They're short like that but
They're short like that but not as tight. So anyone can see up the legs pretty easily. Sometimes cotton (Soffee brand) and sometimes a slippery nylon material.
Yes this is probably a large
Yes this is probably a large part. They were used to be daddy's "wife" and doing everything for him. There was a big power struggle when DH and I moved into the house. I felt like they thought it was their house with DH and I was just there.
oh fruity remember it's not
oh fruity remember it's not just for girl skids.... ANY gender can act alpha and therefore whatever action they take we can subconsciously see it as someone pissing on our territory. honestly reflecting, i myself find that i have issues with this.
So very true. It does feel
So very true. It does feel threatening at times, and I believe there are times they mean it that way also. They must somehow feel threatened to have us in the Alpha role also. I am very conscious of this now, and really am quite unsure how to handle it.
I feel the same way you do
I feel the same way you do zero- I wonder what gets in to me when they are around that makes me so over protective. I think it has a lot to do with the entitlement and the things they say. I feel like I work hard for my stuff and they just come lay on it with their stinky a*ses.
Oh yes. I think the
Oh yes. I think the presumption and entitlement is a big part of it. I think parents can't see it...obviously...because it's their kid. But, as an outsider, I think my skids are kind of spoiled and entitled. I work very hard and would like to be able to enjoy my time and my things the way that I want to.
Right now, I'm feeling this way about SD only because she's the only one who still comes for regular visitation. But I felt this way about SS, too...maybe even more so because he was messier. And he would plop onto the couch from his full height rather than bending and sitting like a normal, civilized person. I could here the springs crying out for mercy.
Well before DH and I lived
Well before DH and I lived together, if he bought something new and the skids wanted it, they would ask for it and he would just give it to them. New comforter he bought? Skid asked for it, he would give it to them. They liked something he had and wanted it for their room at BM's he would give it to them.
And right away they treated my space as their own space and that bothered me. I didn't want them to feel like house guests or that it wasn't their home, but really it wasn't their home and they were just house guests to me.
ew. kaos will just assume
ew. kaos will just assume ownership. i've taken to hiding stuff in the basement because he wont keep his mitts off everything i bring into the house. once he found something i'd hidden and took it for himself - dh was LIVID. and he's had to give him several reminders since, "if YOU didnt buy it, if it was not purchased for YOU, KEEP YOUR HANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S $#!T!!!"
but it's gotten to where i even have to hide a freaking roll of tape. i carry my scissor in my pocketbook. stupid, stuipid stuff.
I think that's the crux of
I think that's the crux of it. I feel like they're guests...they feel like it's "their" home. It is, in a sense. But it won't be for much longer. Yay!
My DH was similar to yours. Whatever skids asked for, at first, they got. He's much better now, and he has always made them do chores and clean up after themselves. For the most part, he's a good dad who's trying to raise responsible children and make sure they launch. I am glad for that. I have no worries that we'll have skids living with us at 25 or anything.
Still, though, at the beginning. He'd run out to the store anytime skids wanted anything. He'd run and get them drinks for their lunches and take orders...buy expensive, individual drinks for each of them. He gave away so many expensive things to them over the year. Once, he even suggested that he and I "trade" bedrooms with SD16 (13 at the time) when she came over for her weekends to make her more comfortable while she was recuperating. To be fair, she had Cancer at the time and he was feeling protective...but I about lost it. (It was a barely malignant form..well-contained tumor right near the surface of her leg which was easily removed in surgery and hasn't come back. Like...one level above benign. I mean, it was still scary...I'm not trying to minimize...but come on.)
YES! It was like a sigh of
YES! It was like a sigh of relief as soon as they left. Like okay I can be "me" in my own home and not on guard and tense.
I think, at least for me,
I think, at least for me, money and time have a lot to do with it, too. When skids aren't there, I feel free. When skids are there, I feel like neither my money nor my time really belong to me, and I start to resent it. Especially the time aspect. Like I'm wasting my life with people that I don't particularly care for. If they were just occasional guests, no big deal. The fact that it's all laid out on a calendar in black-and-white. 121 days. That's a third of 2017 that doesn't fully belong to me.
Of course, I've always been very independent. It took me a long time to get married because of it...so maybe not everyone feels this way. I know that my time is still my own...and my DH respects that as well, for the most part. But it doesn't feel like it. The fact that I'm technically paying for this regular disruption is just insult to injury. I do catch myself taking note of how long showers are or how skids would pour themselves mammoth glasses of OJ and then not finish and toss half down the sink. I hate myself for it, in a way, but I also can't seem to help it.
Good questions. DH lived in
Good questions.
DH lived in the house before I did, but just for about 6 months. It is a home that his parents (who don't live in town) owned and were renting out. DH and I rented it for a while and then bought it outright from his parents one year into our marriage. I had a townhome that I owned (bought when I was 26) that I sold, and DH took a "debit" against his inheritance, and we bought the house together. Both of our names, and I did put actual money / equity that I earned into the home purchase. Some of the furniture in the house was mine, brought with me from the townhome, and some of it we bought together. I feel it's all "mine" however, in the same sense that the house and all marital property belongs fully to both of us.
I actually started out more tolerant of and excited about the skids than I am now. I also watched them and friends on two occasions while DH was out of town for work. I also never mind cooking, as it's something that I love to do and am good at. Like you, I feel it's just as easy to cook for 5 as it is to cook for 2, most of the time. Sometimes even easier as you won't have to worry about leftovers.
I don't know where these feelings are coming from, honestly. DH doesn't expect me to cancel plans...though he does sometimes make plans without really consulting me. He's gotten better about that, though. I think it's the mere presence of this last remaining skid in my home that feels oppressive. Even when I'm doing my thing and she's doing her thing. I don't feel free to be myself or to relax, somehow. I don't think this is DH's fault...or SD's, frankly. She's not a bad kid at all. Helpful for the most part. Doesn't take my things either. I'm just ready for this visitation phase to be over.
**Edited to add: Also, I don't have any kids. Maybe if I did, I would feel more tolerant and relaxed about it all. As it is, it feels like a huge disruption and a huge inequity. I am making room in my life for DH's kids...he doesn't have to make room in his life for anyone that I'm bringing along...
Ugh. Don't remind me. I
Ugh. Don't remind me.
I really love DH, but I'm honestly considering separating soon due to that very fact. Who knows. Maybe I'll adore the gskids too...but if I don't, I don't know if I can handle a lifetime of watching DH go all goofy over them.
Oh yes. The bed thing. This
Oh yes. The bed thing.
This one is weird for me because it changed almost instantly after DH and I married. I'm just now realizing this. Before we got married, we took a beach trip and YSD and I shared a bed (she was very little at the time...7 or 8 maybe). She curled up with me. I had no problem with it at all. We get married and she turns 10 a week later. She always woke up early and took to opening the door and hopping into bed with us first thing in the morning. It really freaked me out...and made me cringe. She also took to climbing into our bed in the middle of the day to read. So, I'd head back to my room to take a break to be surprised by little YSD curled up in my bedding with a book. I was surprised by how visceral and internally violent my reaction was (like...aw HELL NO!) I very kindly told her that my bedroom was off-limits to her during the day because it was the only place I had if I needed alone time, and she had her room. She seemed to understand, though I felt bad. I never told her to quit jumping into bed with us in the mornings, though, because I thought that would be cruel. Just put up with it for a couple years...naturally, it stopped around 12/13 when she hit her first growth spurt...
*sigh* oh if only... i was
*sigh* oh if only... i was raised the same as you. it's maddening to live with a spouse who has a "my bed/bathroom is your bed/bathroom", "help yourself" way of allowing it.
dh just doesnt understand. "i'm gonna use your bathroom." "nooooo." "why noooottt?" "you have your own bathroom." "but lurch is in there." "then WAIT." then dh will pipe up after the kid walks off "i dont see why it's such a big deal." "THEY HAVE THEIR OWN EFFING BATHROOM SO I SHOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM DEFILING OURS." dh just sighs cuz he truly has no concept of it.
I relate to this so much!
I relate to this so much! It's exactly how I feel too!
I am sitting here reading
I am sitting here reading these, and thinking "OMG they get it!!"
I thought I was a horrible person for thinking my SD feels more like a guest in my home than a part of it. I've never felt this way before, and am so thankful I am not the only one.
She came to live with us, meaning myself, SO and BS. She just does not feel like a member of the family, even being there FT for the past 4+ years. And I am so relieved when she isn't home.
Yep. And to make it even
Yep. And to make it even worse, you feel all this knowing your DH feels the exact opposite. I think this creates tension and a lack of true intimacy in a marriage, no matter how good it is otherwise.
I suspect my DH would be horrified to know that, while he is sad if we have to miss a visitation for work travel, or that SD is working or has plans two out of the three nights of an EOWE visitation, I am inwardly elated, doing a happy dance...thrilled about the unexpected freedom.
Ugh, I know how you feel. I
Ugh, I know how you feel. I was so much better at hiding my true feelings when she just visited. FT is brutal, I hope to get an EMMY for my performance at the end of this
:O
Seriously how do others deal
Seriously how do others deal with this feeling of them being just visitors? I truly thought it would go away, that over time it would change. But no, not so far.
I could have written this, I
I could have written this, I feel exactly the same way. Every single time she is in the pantry or the cabinets to get something, I am silently telling myself to stay quiet.
I know all of this. But we
I know all of this. But we never trade Spring Break. We take it every year. And, until recently, I was a teacher...and we were having 3 kids. Yay vacation! I feel like DH takes advantage of BM because she's very accommodating...so, until this year when I put my foot down, we've gotten every holiday all 6 years of marriage. Totally unfair to me, as I would like to be able to spend a holiday with my family skid-free once in a while. This year, we did my family's Thanksgiving with no skids, because I insisted.
DH is a planner and so am I. The problem is, a.) he doesn't tend to take my plans or need into account when making his plans, and b.) he doesn't currently have the resources to execute said plans and expects me to pick up the slack.
I'm afraid he's in for a rude awakening January 1.
"is it kinda like when you
"is it kinda like when you have people over or visiting from out of town and you can't wait until they leave? because you just want your space back and to feel "normal" in your own home?"
It was very much like that for me EOW when SSs visited--like everything I knew to be my "home" was turned upside down (sometimes literally!) EOW. I also hated how, the moment they hit the door on Friday evening, the t.v. got changed immediately from whatever I was watching to whatever cartoons they wanted. Now that I have 2 boys with DH, I "get" that boys sometimes get rambunctious in the house and don't treat things with respect, but the difference is, with my DSs, I have no hesitation in calling them down and punishing them if they don't stop. I never felt I had that option with SSs, and DH would not really discipline them, as he was afraid if he did, they would refuse to stop coming EOW and would instead stay home with their BFF/Disneyland BM, which they did eventually anyway. My SSs are now 21 and 23, and this is yet another post that reminds me how happy I am those days are behind me!
Yep. I think this is a big
Yep. I think this is a big part of it, too. Responsibility without authority. Things changing without your knowledge or consent. Everything being topsy-turvy. And...just spending time and other limited, valuable resources on people you don't really care about.
Just this past weekend, DH and I were set to watch the final episode of a show we've been enjoying together. Was looking forward to it after a long week at work. But SD was there unexpectedly (plans w/friends fell through) and objected. "Aw...I haven't seen any of this show! I won't know what's going on!" No discussion or suggestion that she entertain herself while we watch the show we'd been planning on watching all week. Just dumb YouTube videos for an hour instead...this is something DH and SD do together that I absolutely hate. I don't want to sit around watching vines or dumb YouTube videos. I don't find them entertaining in the least. So I am the one who ends up leaving and entertaining myself.
My DH also always used to announce when skids showed up: "The kids are here! TwoOfUs? Kids are here!" This was when I worked from home and they'd show up around 4 pm after school on Friday...when I still had work left. Not sure what he was expecting me to do? Roll out the red carpet? Perform a welcoming song and dance for them? This always bothered me as well...I think because it felt like skids were guests in some ways (make a special point to greet them and take meal requests and...etc.) and like they lived their in other ways.
I would simply take DH of the
I would simply take DH of the house hold account, sorry if you can't contribute equally you can't be spending any of it...