put things into words I cannot. This is EXACTLY how I have felt for years. And even though SD is only 16, I HAVE walked away. I have also walked away from SD18 who is pregnant and not married, living on welfare with BM. I feel horribly bad for DH as he will NEVER know his grandchild, but I personally will never have anything to do with either of them. At this point, it would not matter to me what they said or did. DH still talks to SD16 weekly, but I refuse to be a part of that. She has done some horrible things, things I cannot forget. As for hating the child, NO I do not hate her, but like you said, it is a VERY thin line.

I believe I was so upset with all of these feelings one day last Nov, that I did a web search for dealing with the feelings of "hating my SD" and a post by heartofthorns from Oct 30, 2007 popped up in my browser. She never posted again and I don't even know if she's still here.

But her post is the exact reason I am here. I knew if someone could write that...something that most of us consider an unspeakable sin against a child out in our every day lives...that this was my safe haven. I knew then and there I could be completely honest with the SM struggle, the overwhelming dread I feel having to constantly try to help modify SD's reckless or eccentric behavior, and would find friends who understood.

So even if Tina doesn't understand....well I guess I can understand that. I know that a few years ago I never would have imagined feeling the way I do, even in the first year or so of knowing SD. When I was single, I had a few friends who were fighting a losing battle with bipolar or personality disorders. Those two are friends no longer. I had to walk away from their destructive ways. One is on probation for id theft now, and the other I tracked down and found her yahoo id in online sex addicts sites.

These two young women attached themselves to me, tried to emulate my independent, single mom, full time working/college student ways to the point of almost trying to become me. I always felt that I failed as a friend to them, because I couldn't help them to help themselves. BUT...I now realize they didn't come into my life to be taught. Like everyone they were here to teach me, so I could later recognize and try to reach SD through her illness.

However...they also taught me that it can't be done for anyone not interested in doing better. And if two young women in their early 20's weren't ready for that, than a 13 year old is not going to be either. We can only do so much, offer so much positive, constructive role modeling. If a child is determined to chose the path that feels good in the moment, I don't see how my being a writer, advocate, volunteer, stay at home mom will matter to SD. Those things don't get recognition, a paycheck or material gifts.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Thanks Stepping.

I'll just add that indifference is definitely not what I feel. That would be easier.

I really think I am headed here regarding my feelings about SD personally (not the behavior- that I truly hate.) Ironically, the more she senses me not caring the more combative and confrontational she becomes. BUT the more indifferent I become, the less attached I feel to how she turns out, or how she views me when she's older. It actually feels good, and this week I managed to stop stress eating and lost 5 pounds.

I'm sorry but, the choices she's made have brought us to this point. I have been painfully self aware since I was about 10, and have a very low tolerance for the art of manipulation.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

I definately agree with you Cruella. If someone treats me like crap I won't go out of my way for them at all. No way, no how.
I refuse to be mistreated by anyone as well. Not bkids, skids or inlaws.
I will give them the benefit of the doubt once but I do have boundaries.
I guess I just have a hard time hating. It takes too much energy. I'd rather just let them know how I feel then disengage or check out when it comes to them if I have too. I won't allow myself to be brought into their issues.I don't think that the excuse that they are "just kids" is a valid one. I think that it is just bulls@&t.

Georgie
I am pretty reasonable but I could care less if the skids or mil like me or not and I think that they realize that. It would create less tension in my home, but it is not a requirement for me. Since I have begun to disengage, things have been a lot better for me. I let dh deal with his kids.

I think a lot of the time behavior is learned, taught, observed, but that is not always the case. My best friend in my teens and 20s was raised in a gently religious household, by responsible, caring parents. His brother turned out beautifully and is an airline pilot with a lovely wife and two wonderful boys -- responsible, intelligent, balanced, caring, ethical. My friend, on the other hand, was a mess. He got lost in drugs, laziness and criminal-ish behavior. He ultimately committed suicide, five years ago.
I remain convinced he had a mental issue--I ceratinly know it didn't have anything to do with what he was taught or how he was parented. I spent a lot of time in that household and he was loved, disciplined, cared for, and shown the best of examples.

Sometimes people behave badly because they have issues other than the way they were taught or what they observed. A child with a mental issue might well be a "bad" child but have wonderful parents. Children with hidden or subtle mental issues--shadow syndromes--are even more perplexing. Of course, poor role models and poor parenting can exacerbate shadow syndromes. But, in my experience, sometimes the problems exist on their own.

This victim stuff just really bugs me too. I have mentioned it before, but when I was 12 my 17 year old brother was completely disabled (in a coma for months and in and out of rehab the next year, then taken care of at home for the next 15.) My older siblings were either out of the house or on their way. My parents were understandably pre-occupied, and sent me off to stay with family friends every weekend (and sometimes for weeks at a time.) It was the early 80's and most of our family friends were theatre people. I was hanging out with 16-20 year olds. I was experimenting with all kinds of things that kids and young adults do ....but I was 13.

BUT...I ended up working through all of it and didn't pursue drugs or alcohol for long. I also took to heart whenever my mother said anything about my negative behavior and kept my problems to myself to work out. Was I depressed? Was I angry? Yes. But even as a teen I knew I was lucky it wasn't me lying in that bed, not able to eat or speak. I had every reason to blame my parents for not knowing they should have equally been focusing on me instead of distracted completely and letting everyone else, myself mostly, raise me.

But I have never blamed them.

I think there is a consensus still, even among those of our blended world, that the kids are victims of our failed marriages. I don't see it that way. I gave my kids a gift I never had. A happy mom. Two parents who are friends, even if they don't live together. Since the ages of 5 and 2, my sons have never heard me say a mean thing about their dad, nor from him about me. My children barely remember now that we didn't get along. The youngest was too young to ever witness or remember an argument.

And they are so much more grounded, especially my youngest who was only two when I left.

Some people are wired to seek out sympathy. I don't think that's always taught. If it were, then boy would I have been able to manipulate the adults in my life. I felt it was a weakness then and still do today. You can't blame your parents for your own shortcomings your whole life. If you do, perhaps you'll always be safe from responsibility of your own failures, but you'll never be happy until you take your own happiness into your hands.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

I totally agree with this. The older they get, the less you can blame BM or anyone else and the more you have to hold THEM accountable for their own actions. For years we blamed BM for not letting the skids call DH, for not letting the skids answer the phone when DH called, for not encouraging contact between DH and skids and for withholding visitation. When they were all young children, there was no one else to blame. It was BM preventing the contact. Now those kids are young adults with their own cell phones, their own email addresses and the ability and freedom to make their own choices. They know how to call DH when they want something and they don't need BM's help for that, so we can't really blame her anymore if they don't call DH on his birthday or on Father's Day, for example. At the ages my skids are now, I can only say that they have been influenced by BM. I can no longer say that she is keeping the skids from having telephone contact with DH. Now, it's all them.

I get so irritated when people commit crimes and then go on to blame a "bad childhood." Hey, lots of us didn't have stellar childhoods, but that didn't make all of us criminals. Most Evil is right. The best thing we parents can do for our children is to instill a sense of personal responsibility in them. Because at some point, blaming your parents just becomes pathetic. Yeah, it's the parents' fault if 3yo Tommy hits kids at preschool because he wasn't disciplined at home for hitting his big sister. But it is NOT the parents' fault that 30yo Timmy kills 4 people as the result of a DUI or decides to rob a liquor store instead of getting a job.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)