I don't know if others will agree, but for me and in my house you don't get a 'free ride'. Teaching a kid about personal hygeine, to be self resourceful, and respectful is absolutely fine for a SP to do in my opinion! I don't consider any of what you listed to be discipline related so I say go for it!

If it hadn't been for me teaching my skids to be self reliant they still wouldn't be able to do anything for themselves.

I agree with Kell. The unfortunate thing about it is that if your husband doesnt back you up you come off looking like the enemy. I have gone through this with BOTH of my SD's. They dont contribute without being asked and dad doesnt like to ask them. I do it and they tell BM that Im mean. I have stuck to my guns and they are starting to embrace the structure but it would be been nice if DH would do it also so the burden isnt always on me!

I'm one for teaching kids hygiene I also think having her clean her own room isn't out of line. These are all skills she needs to learn anyhow and she needs to learn the responsibility and the feeling of accomplishment for being able to do age appropriate tasks. Its when parents don't let their children learn these skills that they are actually hurting their child and when the child becomes an adult the adult is unable to survive.

I totally agree...it is high time to learn responsibility for her own room, make her own snacks, wash her own hair, etc. The sooner the better. I have a SD20 who does wash her hair (hehe) but nothing else. Her room is a disaster and she does nothing to contribute to the household chores. Again, the sooner the better...it will only get worse as they get older if the child is not taught any responsibility.

You have every right to do so....

I have an SD that is 9 and acts like she cant even get herself dressed when DH is around. When he asks her to take a shower she says NO! I will wait to see if he puts his foot down and when he doesnt I tell her it was not a question. Go take a shower. He constantly has to nag at her to brush her teeth and her hair. Of course in any of these grooming efforts she whines and yells for him to help her. Durring the summer when he is at work and she is with me she knows my rules. After breakfast you go get yourself cleaned up before TV or play time. Guess what!!! She does it without any aid. I have had SD tell DH our routine so that it comes from her own mouth to his ears. It gets so serious sometimes that I just look at him and say "Really, when she starts her period are you going to change her pad too" I know that is mean but hopefully it will get my point across as the child has already started to develop.

Every situation is different. But I don't agree that a stepparent should be painted on the wall as a decorative ornament. A stepparent AND Bioparent should be a team and parent the kids. That is, this convo should be with your husband. Let him know how you feel, and based on how he feels then go ahead and act upon that.

Good advice Gia.

I agree. Set up some house rules and consequences. These are only good if DH supports them. He is the parent and you are the step - he must take the lead in this.

Yes. I think it is ok for you to tell her to clean things including herslef. The way I look at it is your husband has chosen you to help him raise his children. I see nothing wrong with step parents being invloved in thing. We were not allowed to waste our summers away in bed. We still had chores we needed to do before we could go hang out with our friends.

I'm in the same boat with bizbear as my SD (26) will only wash and groom herself so when she walks out the door she looks like a candidate for America's Next Top Model. On the other hand, her room is so messy that I can't understand how she can sleep in it. She leaves open food and beverages in her room, doesn't help with any chores around the house and we've had to practically torture her to get her to wash her own dishes.

Sadly DH didn't teach her any responsibilites so I became the bad guy. Even her BM said she's lazy. I prefer to call it trifling. So it's been a challenge because I refuse to live in a pigy sty. Fortunately, DH now sees the error of his ways. Now we're both ready for her to move out.

Oh Shannon, you mean I'm going to have to wait 6 more years? Sheeesh! SD20's BM called SD evil last year and didn't want to live with her! So after she flunked out of college she came back to dear old dad. Under the auspices of going to JC and I believe she has succeded to either flunk or drop every class she has attempted to take. I,like you, also can't understand how she can sleep in her room. It smells. Yesterday I came home to DH telling me that dear SD was cleaning her room. She was also doing laundry! Wow, now that's a concept....just to find out she is going camping for the weekend. Guess she needed something clean to wear so she could look like "America's Next Top Model" LOL. After she leaves for camping I will check her room and I would bet my right arm it doesn't look much different than yesterday.

That's right Biz .. you're going to have to wait . . I can't for the life of me understand how they can be so meticulous about their looks but can't see that they're living in a pig sty. It baffles me to no end. This morning . . yet again I had to talk to DH about getting in her butt about cleaning up behind herself. Just looking in her room makes me want to break down and cry.

:jawdrop: