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This week's fresh hell

TrueNorth77's picture

Skids came by us yesterday. SD14 sat us down and told us that she is having suicidal thoughts, again (she is on meds and goes to counseling)- this is always triggered by issues with/lack of friends at school. Which is frustrating, because SD is a cute girl, charasmatic, but she also says things that alienate people and is in this constant cycle of making a friend, alienating them, rinse, repeat. Most recently she had a good friend from work, and apparently this girl sent a pic of herself in a dress to SD to get her opinion and SD told her she needed a bigger size (this girl is kind of big), the friend took it as SD saying she was fat, an argument ensued, friendship ended. 

SD said she had a method of suicide in place, but that her counselor hadn't made her tell her what it was, Crazy didn't make her tell her what it was, and she asked us not to make her tell us. Which, what?? DH immediately said, no you're telling us, and dragged it out of her. The method? Jumping off the roof. The 9' porch roof outside her bedroom window. DH said "that is the stupidest plan I've ever heard of", and we went on to explain why that wouldn't work. I mean, we don't want her to try it and end up breaking legs and arms. DH is going to contact the psychologist to get her meds changed. We talked about all of the things she has to look forward to, and SD is generally a happy kid. She has situational depression when it comes to lack of friendships. By the end of the conversation we were teasing her about jumping off the roof and I told her if she did it we would leave her out there for a few hours with her broken ankle just so everyone could drive by and she could be embarassed about how bad of an idea it was. She was laughing and chattering and in a completely different place than when we started the conversation, although obviously it isn't just "fixed". 

Then DH made SS17 come down to yell at him about his crappy grades, and also because SS found out he didn't get into the College in our state where he has been taking college classes (as a Sr. in high school- they are all free college credits). He had made it seem like it wasn't his 1st choice of college anyway, but now he is SUPER pouty, even though he had given up on trying in his high school classes months ago, and I'm sure this college checked his grades and saw how crappy they are before they rejected him, so he can only blame himself. SS sleeps at every opportunity and doesn't study, yet expects to get into every college and be offered # also. SS is taking 1 last class at the college which was supposed to start yesterday, but he told DH he Didn't go..... SS said he has given up, no college at all. DH was like, are you f'ng kidding me??? All because you are pouty that you didn't get in to this one?? SS got free rides to 2 colleges in our state and scholarships to 4 others out of state so far. I mean come on. He is not even the best student, but only because he is lazy. DH told him he can cry and pout tonight if he wanted but after that he was done, and we were going to compare the colleges he DID get into and pick one, because he's not going to waste this opportunity because he is butt hurt. 

I reminded them about the time we were initially talking about colleges and SS made the comment that he was "definitely getting into this college" (that he got rejected from), and he was just super cocky...SS is the poutiest kid, I KNEW that if he got rejected he would act this way. I wanted him to set expectations, so I said, Well, just be prepared that there's a chance you may not. I think you will get into colleges for sure, and you can be positive and hopeful, but leave a bit of room for the possibility that you may not get into all of them, so you won't be shocked or super disappointed if it happens. This college has a very low acceptance rate, and the GPA to get in is much higher than SS's. SS had text DH because I said that and said "I guess I'm too dumb, I won't get in", and made it this huge deal with a big pity party, DH ended up getting mad at me because I made it seem like SS wouldn't get in and he wants him to be thinking positive, now he's upset and it was just uneccessary. It was a whole argument, of course I was the bad guy because I hurt SS's poor wittle feewings. And now that EXACT scenario happened, and SS is acting like someone stole his kitten. It's almost like I was right, and if anyone had paid attention to my words and intent instead of trying to make it out like I had bad intentions and SS was some victim, we wouldn't be in this situation. 

This was all on a Monday. Last Monday on the day skids were LEAVING, DH and I got into such a huge argument about SS (DH didn't like how I handled something when he wasn't home and completely misinterpreted all of it, but wouldn't listen of course) that we didn't talk all week and when we did talk, we actually opened the door to the possibility of splitting up. Neither of us want that and we immediately knew it so we backed off and talked about how to do better in the future. But FFS. These are the 2 most dramatic kids I've ever met. 

Comments

BethAnne's picture

Seems like they get that at least partially from their dad. Grown up relationships don't involve ignoring each other for days on end. 

Im sorry you're going through all this. It sounds very stressful. I know when we have my sd here (who has expressed suicidal thoughts and self harmed) that I am on edge and not wanting to be the one to find her if she kills herself in her room.
I read something the other day saying how we as parents have removed a lot of conflict and difficulty from kids lives trying to make them happy but that without knowing how to deal with the small conflicts we set them up for failure and now they don't know how to deal with stresses and conflicts and failures so go to extreams and get depressed/anxious/suicidal etc etc....it is an interesting theory that makes sense to me.  

TrueNorth77's picture

That makes complete sense to me- part of the job as a parent should be to allow them to feel some disappointment and teach them how to deal with that and conflict. We talk about this all the time with SD, because, well...there are many many opportunities, because she is always in the middle of some conflict with friends. She doesn't take our advice most times, so the cycle repeats. Obviously Crazy is super high-conflict and escalates things (and teaches SD how to escalate) rather than de-escalate. I wish she could see that Crazy has zero friends, so listening to her is not the answer. 

Agree that adult relationships should not involve ignoring each other for days on end. This was the worst it has ever been, and I was ignoring DH also, because honestly splitting up was on the table for me as well and I had nothing to say to him after he chose SS's side and completely lashed out at me. Part of me is surprised we were able to work through this one. I'm happy because we love each other, but I don't want skid-related fights to make us contemplate divorce. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"I read something the other day saying how we as parents have removed a lot of conflict and difficulty from kids lives trying to make them happy but that without knowing how to deal with the small conflicts we set them up for failure and now they don't know how to deal with stresses and conflicts and failures so go to extreams and get depressed/anxious/suicidal etc etc...."

This makes sense. Also, i think that the internet has changed society faster than we as humans are capable of handling. Lack of stability at home and lack of sense of belonging and purpose also affect their mental health. I think that, for the kids who are having mental health issues, the struggle is real. Some people have organic brain disorders but for a lot of these kids, we as the parental generation have collectively failed them, all while trying to help. 

JRI's picture

I'm sorry you're going thru this.  These kids sound exhausting.  Drama city.

No advice, just much empathy, its so hard to be a step-parent sometimes.  So often, our mates take their disappointment out on us.

TrueNorth77's picture

It is literally the hardest thing I've ever done. It is always something. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Whoa....That girl of yours threatens suicide every week for stupid stuff....No offense but it seems like manipulation to get attention or have her way of being coddled....This is going to be a lifelong responsibility for all parties involved....And then add to that psych meds....She is probably legit going insane

Too bad the parents are feeding into the BS but if you ask me, your SD needs a wake up call to real life....You cant threaten suicide and take meds whenever life gets hard or ppl arent going your way....weird way of parenting

Of course your SS is also very coddled and manipulative from the other posts so he just plays into wtv tactics he can to assert being coddled by everyone (this time pouting)

Your husband probably got his head filled with nonsense by SS to attack you for some stupidity or twist your words

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you....I know what its like when down time gets ruined for arguments caused by steps....perhaps take it as a break to breathe and focus on yourself rather than their problems

Lillywy00's picture

Might be for attention but lock up meds, knives, guns, cars, etc just in case 

Keep spending time with the kids and get them into positive activities that can take their mind off of the negative thoughts their mind is creating. 

grannyd's picture

Absolutely, Lilly!

The devil finds work for idle hands. When my 2 daughters were teens, they had little free time as they had jobs as well as being heavily involved in sports and schoolwork. They had chores at home which helped them learn skills (laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.) that were much to their advantage as adults.

 Now married and successful, with grown children of their own, the girls have often acknowledged their achievements in life as having been the direct result of my high expectations. Today’s entitled, neurotic, fraught, young people make me despair of their futures.

TrueNorth77's picture

I totally agree that SD not having enough things to do is not helping. She sits on her bed wasting away. She has a job but they barely give her hours, is currently in no school activities. The one hobby she would like to do is VERY expensive and would require us being available every wknd, so it's not realistic. At least she reads a lot. I have said I think she needs a new job where she gets more hours, it definitely would not hurt if she were required to plan dinner sometimes, do a few more chores because the ones she has are a total joke. But when DH doesn't make any of these things happen and it could very well turn into conflict with him if I push, so I just let it be. Not my kid. She is already very entitled, it's painful to hear the things that come out of her mouth sometimes. 

Rags's picture

As  master of the obvious.... this is all just pure attention seeking bullshit from both Skids.  The suicidal thoughts, and the poor rejected student pouting bullshit.

And... DH is gaslighting you when he is the failed parent root cause of the problems both of these kids are dragging everyone into.

Nope.

Time for a zero tolerance and full ass baring platform to commence.

IMHO of course.