I'm the common denominator
Was just talking to DH about how the past few times skids have been with us, SD12 has been aloof, barely talking to me. He said she's been the same with him. I think it's partially PAS, he's not so sure because this has happened before and she's bounced back. He thinks it's partially because he's gone for work most nights. But I know Crazy has been working on them, she recently made them delete all pics of me from their phones. I told DH I know for a fact that she hangs out with Crazy outside of her room, while here she doesn't leave her room. He said that a month ago when I was gone for work for a week, both skids hung out in the living room all the time when he was there watching TV, even when he was watching basketball. He said he doesn't understand- when both of us are downstairs, they don't really hang out or talk much, they just go to their rooms. But when he's gone for work at night, a lot of times they stop to chat with me and SD will sit down for a while to talk (minus the past few visits). So it feels like I'm the common denominator in this- skids don't feel comfortable with the me/DH dynamic, and feel more comfortable when it's just him, or when it's just me.
My first instinct when he told me this was to feel kind of hurt. I have a good relationship with them, I honestly don't understand why they don't talk more when both him and I are around. My next feeling is just exhaustion with skid crap. I am so sick of it ALWAYS being something, and part of me just doesn't care anymore if they want to be around me or not. Part of me hopes they just decide they want to stay at Crazy's more when they get older, even though it's not a healthy environment. I'm just tired.
Anyone else dealt with this or have insight?
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Try not to take it personally
Yes, I know thats very difficult, but it truly helps. I work on this also. When SD15/16 doesnt come out of her room, everyone tells me thats a normal thing, so I just enjoy my space.
That's what I had been
That's what I had been thinking also, until I learned that once I'm gone they are out of their rooms and hanging out by DH. I don't know that I plan on doing anything differently, it's just a weird feeling to know that someone is avoiding you for some reason. I really hate steplife.
Parental Alieneation
Happens to steps as well, because of the bio parent loyalty binds.
Seriously - I get that it feels "exclusionary", but the more space you let it have in your head the worse off you will be.
Most of us would feel blessed
Most of us would feel blessed if the annoying skids avoided us.
oh this is a complicated
oh this is a complicated issue and it is different/the same for everyone.
YSD16 pretty much is in her room all day, even now while on spring break. She hates tech so I konw she's not on her phone or computer unless she's sometimes video chatting with friends (who live nearby and who she could do something with in person!!!). She reads and crochets and does math problems. She hates anything to do with music or television so she doesn't watch movies or shows with DH and I. We do force music on her though, we don't do without because she doesn't like it (she says video/audio is confusing for her - hellllo a slight bit of autism here?).
DH will get her to do things IF she wants to. It's always a bit of pleading and begging and suggestion on his part. Never, "Hey, YSD, be ready to leave in 30 min to do X thing." I don't even try any longer because he intervenes or undermines me. He wants to do it all he's got it, including the frustration.
HOWEVER it wasn't always like this. OSD and YSD used to stay in their rooms a lot but would also spend enough time doing things out of their rooms so it wasn't concerning. UNTIL the PAS hit OSDthen13 and everything changed. Virtually no interaction, no fun, DH stressed, lots of yelling and complaining and then she was gone. DH is difficult to be around sometimes since he's still feeling the loss and doesn't know how to process it (he has a therpist but not for this reason and I think it's not helping). YSD steers clear of us when we are together because sometimes she feels the tension I think, as DH (again, undermines me) intervenes in my interactions with YSD. So I am withdrawn, DH is withdrawn and there's nothing fun going on. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. DH could change this but doesn't seem to want to.
I just get out and do what I can. If YSD is home alone with me, rarely, it's ok. Generally she's a little more talkative and she'll go places with me if I invite her.
Cover1W
THIS is my life too on days SD is here!!!!: YSD steers clear of us when we are together because sometimes she feels the tension I think, as DH (again, undermines me) intervenes in my interactions with YSD. So I am withdrawn, DH is withdrawn and there's nothing fun going on. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. DH could change this but doesn't seem to want to.
At least your 16 year old SD has interests. Mine is the opposite and ONLY looks at her phone and computer!
And I like YSD16, I do. She's
And I like YSD16, I do. She's pretty cool overall and I think she'll really come into her own in college. The whole family dynamic is messed up though.
Cover1W, when you said "It
Cover1W, when you said "It wasn't always like this"- that's what I feel we are on the precipice of. I can feel a change, even if DH thinks it will swing back like it has before. I can sense a subtle disinterest in SD towards me recently, and I don't know for sure, but I don't think it's just teen stuff. Mostly because of her occasional comments regarding DH, his parenting, etc, all of which I know she is getting from Crazy. I think she finally believes that we are terrible parental figures because we have rules and structure, and mostly because Crazy tells her we are. So she's keeping her distance.
One part of me doesn't care if it gets to the point where we barely interact. But I know the reality will end up being me uncomfortable in my own house, DH bummed that they then don't want to spend time here. The whole snowball effect. And I feel the same, I actually do like both skids, they are pretty cool. Annoying AF when they don't listen or do dumb sh*t, which is why I don't enjoy kids in general, but otherwise not bad as far as kids go. So it is a shame if that changes.
Common Denominator,
I hate that term. It's so easy to blame the step parent, to say they're the nexus of all skid - related issues. We're the most convenient target, the outsider. But we show up after the car crash, when kids have ALREADY been affected by the divorce and their parents' shortcomings. And often these parents have done no work on themselves, no introspection or acknowledgment of their part in the divorce, no work to make sure the kids are alright before jumping back into the dating pool. We enter from stage right when the farce is already in full swing.
One of The Coven once told my DH I was the common denominator in his problematic relationships with his kids. She is a skilled manipulator, and was trying to drive a wedge in our marriage because I had disengaged. To this day, I feel anger and hurt about that.
I had problems with the skids because there were already problems with the skids. Because DH bred with crazy. Because he was a lazy, uninvolved disney father. Because his family of origin was more involved with his older kids than he was. Because resentment and PAS already existed. Because no one in his family knew what a boundary was. Because I dared to finally say No and not accept abuse from poorly reared, maladapted kids.
Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. But accusing me of being the problem in a family riddled with generations of dysfunction and mental instability was ludicrous. Most of the issues predated me, and were sadly predictable. I just happened to be the one who started speaking truth about it.
I absolutely agree that his
I absolutely agree that his choice to marry a crazy person, and her influence on skids creates many of these issues, and that has nothing to do with me. I called myself the common denominator in this case, because that's what it feels like. To DH's credit, he is stumped as to why skids don't come hang out when it's me and him, because he knows I have a good relationship with them and can see me trying.
In the end, it's probably some mixture of Crazy's influence, them feeling more comfortable with their dad, and DH and my dynamic when skids are around that lends to them being more aloof when I'm around DH, and the best thing for me to do is just accept that this is what it is and make peace with it. And then continue to count down the days until they move out. *biggrin* I have a counseling appt today, I'll chat with my therapist about it *smile*
Everything Exjuliemccoy
Everything Exjuliemccoy posted was EXACTLY my situation!
My ex bred his third child with a totally crazy woman.
The repercussions were terrible, and life changing for his two older children who lived with him and were aged 9 and 8 yo at the time.