opinion
Let me throw this question out to the panel:
I am totally involved with my SK’s lives ( 7 and 10 yrs old). I am there SD and have been with them for 3 years. I attend all their sporting events, coach them in some of them, go to there school functions and help transport them everywhere else. My BS lives an hour away (he’s 11), so there are events he’s involved in that I attend as well ( It’s a busy profession)! 90% of the time I am attending these things alone and a lot of the schedules do not conflict with the other kids. I would like my wife to at least make an attempt to attend a few or at least seem interested in him as well. When he does visit every other weekend, she is not mean to him at all, but just doesn’t seem interested in what’s going on with him. I realize its not her BS, but its mine and seems to tarnish my respect for her as time goes on and yes we’ve discussed it and she seems to think she does enough!
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My BS gets along with the 7
My BS gets along with the 7 yr old more than the 10 yr old. I think because there closer in age and totally opposite of each other. They don't really fight...they just avoid each other! We do some things as a unit. I guess her spending time with my BS is important to me more than it is him!
What's the question? Are you
What's the question? Are you asking if your wife is involved in your BS's life enough? You have to remember that your wife might not feel as close to your son as you do with her children. Her children are around you alot more than she is around your son, which allowed you to create a stronger bond. Have you asked her if she would attend your son's activities with you? Does she have any other responsibilities going on during the time of your child's events? It doesn't seem like your wife has made that connection with your son, and that doesn't necessarily mean she's doing anything wrong, b/c for a lot of ppl with skids, that connection isn't there. Are there times where just you and her and your BS could do things together without her kids to create some bonding time?
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
I guess what makes me upset
I guess what makes me upset the most is that when there is just time for us 3 to hang out, she opts out because that seems to be when she'll use that opportunity as her downtime; which part of me says thats ok she needs it, but another part of me says if I did that I would hear about it in a negative way! It would feel wonderful if we would create our own little moments together.
I kind of have this issue
I kind of have this issue from the other side :-). My DH wants the three of us (when my BS is not around & we do have SS) to hang out and do stuff. I understand that, but I also think that DH & SS should have time to themselves, time to hang out without the aggravating SM around. I know my SS still resents me some, even though DH doesn't seem to see it. On top of that, I'm a full time mom (BF of BS is POS), work a full time job (10/11 hours a day), run the house, etc, so when I get an hour I might can do something for me, no, I DON'T want to go to the Pokemon tournament !!!
I understand your concern.
I understand your concern. That is not balanced in my opinion.
I think you answered your own question you have been pondering.
Family time is exactly that.
When she backs out on you durring your time with your kid, that does not show support. It shows where her values really are.
I would make mention of a "fair" arangement that will ensure a true blended family.
We try to always do the family things together.
We also take advantage of the rare times we get a child to ourselves. Gatta have one on one time!
Sometimes if we know we will get one child for a while someone might opt to just be alone with that child or we might say hey lets do something fun with them together.
And we try to plan a date night.
We also realized early on that we needed to schedule the kids and Skids to be on the same schedule.
So when my son is going to his BM house, so is my wifes son going to his BF house.
And we get time just to ourselves. Just the wife and I.
thanks
thanks
I see myself doing this to
I see myself doing this to my sd11...my husband is very involved in my son's life(he lives with us full time)...he's more involved than my son's dad. But I just can't seem to get interested in sd11 and her life. I don't care about her activities...I really don't care about going to all her annoying recitals and competitions...I just don't give a sh*t about her life like I used to.
I'm nice to her and feign polite interest while she's talking...if she was in danger I'd totally save her if I could but I just don't care about other aspects of her life. It's sad because I used to care a whole lot. Somewhere along the line that chain got broken and now I'm just hanging out along the peripheral of her life.
I'm sorry your wife isn't more involved with your child but honestly it IS different when the child doesn't live with you and lives far away to boot. Maybe if he was around more she'd take an active interest? Or she could be afraid to step on toes if she's too involved.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Is your son's BM attending
Is your son's BM attending these events as well? If so, it could be that your wife doesn't want the awkwardness of sitting next to her for an hour. Also, you say that the schedules don't normally conflict, but presumably your skids need someone to watch them at least.
I agree that there is different dynamic to skids depending on whether they live with you or not, plus the level of involvement of the other parent - is your skids dad on the scene or are you the main father-figure in their lives?
This is a toughie for me.
This is a toughie for me. If my DH treated my son that way I'd be hurt and upset and wonder why he wasn't trying to make our lives work....
HOWEVER
I have been guilty of this, but I do have my SS8 50% of the time... so I do see him all the time.
I would just let your wife know how you're feeling, and that this is really important to you. That you love her kids, and love doing things with and for them but that you would appreciate if she showed some interest in your son... Honesty afterall, is the best policy.
When DH had weekend
When DH had weekend visitation, that was HIS time to spend with his kids. They didn't get the time to spend together as they should father and sons. Having a virtual stranger being forced on them only made the relationship between us worse. My SS's didn't want me around during their excursions with their father. They wouldn't say that to their dad but they said it to me in not just words, but actions as well.
I would sit down with her and really listen as to why she doesn't want to go. Does she feel your relationship with your children is better off just you guys and her in the background or has she gotten indications (unspoken or spoken) that she wasn't wanted around.