SD saying sexually explicit things
Okay pretty much everyone here knows my situation. I'm posting on this board because I know I will get realistic answers if we are overreacting and what we can do about it.
My hex essentially tells my 9yr old SD whatever she wants to know, in adult terms even if it is an adult subject. When my SD was 6, hex told her all about a sex (okay) and told her she had to keep it a secret (not okay). Hex also showed her medical birthing videos (ehhh). When my SD was 7, she showed me what a stripper was (graphically) because her mom told her about strippers. When my SD was 8, she told me what screwing meant and said she had "sex secrets" (no sexual abuse, hex is just paranoid DH will take Sd away if SD talks about sex to him).
Now last night on the phone with DH (who is in another state for army training) she asked about puppies (she really wants one). They talked about puppy shots and then they got onto the topic about spaying and neutering. SD then made the following statement,
"They spay people too you know right? The black women in villages. They take them and hold them down but don't knock them out so it hurts them. They cut their vagina."
DH then asked what book she read that from. SD answered with, "my mom told me. She was looking it up on the Internet and I asked what it was and she told me." Of course she did. Because she always does. This is nothing new folks. Essentially EVERY visitation SD says something disturbing sexually or PAS wise.
So now here's where we stand because there are multiple problems rolled into one:
1. Hex teaches SD sexually inappropriate things at a very young age. Sometimes they are on a technical level, sometimes they aren't. While I understand she has the right to talk about sex with her daughter in the manner of her choosing, demanding she keep sex a secret from DH as well as telling her about female circumcision is NOT okay in our book.
2. She does not explain these sexual things in a complete way. A nice,"well your friends don't know about it so you probably shouldn't share with other children your age. You should wait for their parents to explain it to them" never happened. Therefore my SD has graphically acted out giving birth in front of the girl who lives across the street on her bed. Her parents were very upset. My SD has also told other children at school about screwing. The LAST think we want is SD going around on the playground going up to other girls and asking them if their vagina is cut.
Every time DH or I have told hex we are uncomfortable with the sexual stuff she tells SD, she either denies it (to DH) and tells him to shut up or lies (to me) and says "oh SD doesn't know about xyz". Then a mere days later I will have SD coming to me talking about ejaculation.
I asked my DH what he responded with when SD told him this. He said nothing, he had no idea what to respond to that. I never do either. So at this point do we tell SDs counselor (who is not licensed and we think is in hex's back pocket BUT could be helpful)? Do we call DHs lawyer to get the GAL on this ASAP?
And no, we do not suspect any sexual abuse at all. We have both asked SD and she says no. Hex is celibate. She has not dated a man in years. She has not shown SD porn and nobody has sexually hurt her so CPS cannot get involved (from what I researched). I thought about calling CPS back in October when SD came to me with her "sex secrets". I did not. I thought it would make everything hell.
Sooooooo. Besides putting hex in a rocket and sending her to another planet, what can we do? Or are we overreacting? If we are seriously being prudes, just tell me.
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Comments
Wow, this is tough one. I
Wow, this is tough one.
I grew up on a farm, so I knew a lot more about sex than my peers because I saw it first hand and assisted in births.
It sounds like the ex is definitely out of line, but if her idea of good parenting is throwing it all out there, then the only thing you might be able to do is work with it.
If SD came to you and said something about girls "being cut", would you be comfortable explaining that that is called female circumcision, that it is a horrific and terrible practice still practiced in some third world countries, that many good people fight to stop it and protect young girls, that it is serious and not funny, and that many victims die?
Maybe then she might understand it in a more complete context?
Other than that, I'm outta ideas. BM sounds a little whacko.
Okay. This is what we shall
Okay. This is what we shall do. Thanks tog.
EXACTLY. This is what
EXACTLY. This is what disturbed me most of all.
An 8yr old should NEVER have sex secrets,
Hex is a doctor. Would she tell a patient to keep sex a secret from their parent? Nope. So why would she tell her own daughter?
I wish my DH had never procreated with this crazy bitch
She is a doctor??? Then all
She is a doctor??? Then all the more I think she is trying to "win" points with her.
She IS whacko. See, it would
She IS whacko.
See, it would be one thing if she was an activist and gave an actual "this is what happens in other countries, it's a horrible and it will never happen to you but it's bad."
OR, "make sure you have sex with someone you love and trust when you are an adult."
But she doesn't do that. She just explains the concept because SD has the right to know, and goes about her day.
Were*
Were*
It sounds to me that the BM
It sounds to me that the BM wants to be the first to tell SD stuff so she will like her more. And she sounds ignorant in the items and the way she is "educating" her daughter. I am all for full disclosure and I have a great, open relationship with my two kids, however, she is going so overboard. Your only options is to further elaborate on the subjects to help balance the information going into her very young head.
I mean, come in.....birthing videos????? At that age...good grief Charlie Brown.
Yup. You hit the nail on the
Yup. You hit the nail on the head
You are definitely not over
You are definitely not over reacting. It is totally unacceptable for a mother to be sharing those kinds of things with a child of her age and here in the UK would probably be seen as a form of sexual abuse. It's a good thing to answer kids' questions in an age-appropriate way and, specially for girls, to talk to them about periods to prepare them for when it happens, but telling a 9 year old about female circumcision, graphic accounts of childbirth, strippers and screwing??? What the hell is this woman thinking? She's treating her young daughter more as an adult friend and I cannot believe that anyone could be so stupid! I'm not surprised her neighbours were upset when the kid repeated this to their child, and I think most parents would feel the same.
This kind of talk is often a warning that sexual abuse and/or being exposed to porn is going on but it sounds like you're satisfied that that isn't the case, so she's obviously learning all of this through the bm sharing totally inappropriate information with her. While you're happy there's no abuse going on, if she talks like that at school or church or whatever, there's a good chance that staff are going to think there are grounds to report suspicions of abuse. She could even be at risk of being abused as anyone with bad intentions could assume that she's already experienced sexual activity and is an easy target because she has so much knowledge of sexual matters.
As for what you can do about it, I'm not sure and I hope someone comes along with some good advice. I live in the UK and if something like that happened here, the first place to contact would be the child protection department at social services to report a concern about a child's welfare. I'm assuming you have something equivalent to child protection services and I would in the first instance talk to them and see what they advise.
And no, we do not suspect any
And no, we do not suspect any sexual abuse at all.
Huh? I'm a sexual assault nurse examiner in my state, and I would suspect sexual abuse if I heard this story from a patients step mom.
Its not just BM's boyfriends you need to worry about, its uncles, and grandpa, and best friends dad and best friends older brother...and the janitor at school or daycare.
We have both asked SD and she says no.
1 of 4 girls is molested, ONE IN 4
ONLY ONE of 6 girls that are molested...will tell someone.
Her BM telling her stuff....BUT I would guess your SD is ASKING BM about it, and is asking about it.because she is being abused.
What your describing is not normal, but is typical of an child who has been abused.
Our average victim age is 4-8 years old.
Get your SD some help please.