Toxic live in 18 yo SD
Hi guys
Glad to found a forum for step parents. Im new to the forum, new to the US (arrived in Jun last yr w my 14 yo son) married to my husband after dating for 5 years and now the huge issue is with his 18 yo daughter.
Shes out of school and working short hours at a ramen shop with no plans of moving out.
Our relationship was okay over the years buying presents for her and cooking new dishes for her to try. Everything turned bad when previously her weed and vaping smoking in the house was being cleaned by the AC in summer. We live in a old house and the ventilation is bad when she smokes, all of us can smell it.
Discipline was never established in the house. I tried soft approach but didnt work. My husband says im overeacting and overprotective of my son. She stopped weed smoking indoors (except once a few days ago) but never stopped vaping. When she is called out, she will start her dramatic acting crying and deny that she smokes and threatens to move out. Her dad says he will not stop her but after a fight he will be extra friendly to her the next day. She will continue to vape as though nothing changed because she knows her dad is soft and feels glad she is at home with him.
My sons bedroom door is right beside hers and they share the bathroom.
At first i would let my husband know and he will have to talk or shout at her. Now he is tired of discipling her and defends her instead. We bought a gas detector for TVOC and the reading turns red w poor air quality only when she vapes. I woke up with bad migraine a few days ago when hlthe whole house smlet like vape. He will defend that she may have been burning incense or use cheap aerosol spray which will trigger the detector. When i take the reading in her room, all i smell is her body odor and vape or weed.
She sleeps all day and is awake all night. She comes home at midnight or 2 to 3am waking me up as the side door is connected to our bedroom wall. She microwaves bagel bites past midnight waking me up as the kitchen is beside our bedroom.
Her father defends that shes an adult and has the right to do so.
Other things i managed to stop her from doing is having friends over drinking and drugging past 10pm on school nights. I printed a note and pasted on the door for 2 days.
Other health warnings i pasted on the fridge she tore it into pieces and threw them at our bush outside slamming the door. Shes underaged for weed and drinking in our state but doesnt care.
I understand that our cultures and parenting are totally different. My son is like a friend with me that respects both my husband and me. He is new to the US and im thankful he manged to fit in with high school. I was a single mom for 9 years and he was brought up in a semi- disciplined way.
I tried to explain to my husband that hes like a Disney dad but he doesnt want to hear it. I requested for family counselling he thinks i need a shrink.
My son and I are no longer in talking terms w his daughter. Other things she messes the bathroom and my son cleans up after her. She locks her dog in her room the whole day and when she sleeps in her bfs dorm we try to care for her dog when we dont see her in the house. Her room stinks all the time from rotting food, dirty laundry and drugs. On xmas she had her bf over to have sex and my son was alone at home while we were getting groceries and heard it all.
On school nights she takes long shower or baths at 10pm or midnight and masturbates w vibrator. My son was trying to sleep but couldnt as the bathroom wall is his closet wall. When he tried to get her to lower her youtube volume in the shower she ignores it. Maybe she cant hear his banging in the door
She doesnt do dishes and I have stopped completely to help her. At first i taught her to clean up but now her Dad does it for her.
I stopped picking dog poop in the backyard as the whole yard is the dogs toilet. Her Dad cleans the poop for her.
I clean the house since no one else cleans it and i cant work now until my green card is received.
All i wanted is peaceful sleep and clean air in the house. Is that too much to ask?
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Comments
If your husband's attitude is
If your husband's attitude is that she's an adult and there's nothing he can do, tell him that adults pay rent where they live.
Rent
Thanks for that. I did suggest it but he cannot bear to ask for money. He pays for her mobile phone and missed dental appointments. She is currently on anti depressant drugs and he paid for her stay in hospital bills last year. At this rate I need to see a shrink. She's dancing and singing in the kitchen this morning. Still pours dog food onto our dining table.
Husband says don't care what
Husband says don't care what strangers are telling him. Warned me not to let people know about the situation.
So he knows he's wrong and is
So he knows he's wrong and is ashamed to admit what he's doing.
Is he really worth keeping? I think that's a rhetorical question.
Just remember, we're here for you.
She is a adult
She either lives by your rules or moves out. You can not let her disrespect you. Your DH is problem number 1. He letting her get away with this $hit, you are going to lose control if Your DS. If SD can't do it why can't he Major problem when the oldest does it.
Yes you're right. My son
Yes you're right. My son asked me months ago if he has a gf at 18 can he sleep with her in the room the same way as his step sister. I don't smoke and don't drink. My husband is the same with an occasional beer. We sleep early too. I hate that my health and all the good habits modeled for my son is now going down the drain. She hid her bf in her bedroom once and cctv caught it. Her dad had to scream at them 4 am before he has to go to work waking my son on a school day. I thought I married an average person but seems like trash house instead.
Children have to meet standards of behavior and performance.
Daddy has no balls and probably not much of a brain either. This is a Skidult not a minor child. They have no place in the home if they do not comply with the standards.
Time to start calling the police on her for minor in possession and minor under the influence. Every time. Keep her so tightly under the hairy eyeball of oversight and constant consequences that she will GTF out and stay gone.
Your husband owes you a duty of priority and a duty to keep his shit failed family spawn under control. Make sure to keep that mandate front, center, and crystal clear to him. You relocated internationally to marry and make a life together as equity life partners. That makes YOU his priority. His child is neither his priority nor his responsibility. She is an adult.
Your minor child is your top responsibility and has apparently been raised with standards and structure where your shit failed family spawn of an SD is just that. Shit. Scrap that shit off of your shoe and bring the authorities down on her for her poor choices. She is 18 so arrests, etc... stay on her record. A record she is earning. So, deliver the consequences.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to a be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream. I also hope that you and your son find your new country to be a wonderful place to make a life.
Thank you...I'm really lonely
Thank you...I'm really lonely and glad that I have a place vent. My husband tried to save her from these trashy lifestyle..her mom is an alcoholic and caught with domestic violence a few times. She texts her once or twice a year to see her but they don't have any sort of relationship.
The day our family came back home from a long hike, she and her friend smoked the house out. I was furious as my son forgot to shut his door and the whole house stunk. I threatened to call the cops but he said the cops won't care and she's an adult. Vaping not illegal for adults. Her friend and her both heard what he said and I lost respect immediately. Instead of talking it through he went to bed. We spoke days later with no solution. He always says what do u want me to do? Be angry at her all the time when she's not doing anything? He doesn't smell the vape as he was probably exposed to it for so many years that he can't tell it. He only half believed me after I took gas readings in the morning and in the afternoon at the same spot in her room.
Thank u for the welcome. America translates to 'beautiful country' in mandarin. I am happy with nature and beautiful vast landscapes here.
I did lose a very high paying job to be here and my old life was safe and peaceful. Housing interest rates are so crazy high here and I wish things will look up for 2025. I am tired of fighting the SD and I'm almost giving up in defeat. I tried soft approach with my husband like paying her money to leave and rent her own apartment. He seems happy to hear that option. She still lives like a queen in this house and he speaks to her with more respect than me.
Shouting incident in the
Shouting incident in the middle of the night. We got home after a night out and the entire house smelt like vape. She got caught but denies again. Husband confronted her and turned ugly quick.
She wants him to co sign so she can rent a place w her friend. We both don't think it's wise.
She called me a f ing B and wants his dead gf to come back to life and be her mom.
After seeing how violent and manipulative she can become , my son and I locked our rooms to sleep tonight. She needs counselling as a normal person will not be able to deal w her.
I'm really baffled why some
I'm really baffled why some of these bio parents (like your husband) are scared of disciplining their kids. Like wtf?!?
Unless shes still in high school, she's an adult and you're not obligated to provide for her ... and I'd let her know that.
You're going to have to be FIRM with your husband that there will be some new house rules, your SD will be held accountable, your husband will enforce or if he's too scared then you will, or else ....
Dont ever let these kids or skid run your household... You own the house not them. They fall in line or they can gtfo!
There two clear things here
One DH is ballast. And letting his DD do what she wants.
TWO. SD has to go. ASAP . She can not live with you any more. You will pay the first month or two rent . You start buying things on sale. Big sales after the holidays. Plates, knives and forks. Sheets. Pot and pans. Cleaning Supplys. She has no choice she will be out by March 1
'If DH doesn't go along with this he can move with her. Abd DH his DD and her BF can live together. Two adult woman unrelated just can't live together.
Clearly this girl has been
Clearly this girl has been raised like a pampered animal who has no responsibilities but is allowed to do whatever she wants. Part of the reason is it sounds like her mother is trashy and the other part is that your husband is so afraid of losing her to either her trashy mother or to the streets, he has not raised her properly.
This girl is going to be a problem for life. I'm guessing your husband has not told her she needs to get a fulltime job or enroll in fulltime studies, and work toward being an independent person. If he has not come up with that idea on his own, forcing it will be very hard.
Idk what your situation is. How bad your life in your home country was vs here. If you left a terrible situation, you could bide your time until you gain citizenship or legal working status separate from your husband. But if things in your home country are better than here, it might be the best choice to go back. If your DH doesn't want to change, it's a hard road ahead.
Came back to add, my SO's sister-in-law was in a similar situation to yours. Was brought over from SE Asia to marry an older man with kids from 2 women, all poorly behaved. They treated her terribly. She played the long game and now has citizenship, a business, has brought her parents over, and bought them a house. She had to swallow a lot of, well, sh!t, to get there, though.
'pampered animal' made me laugh
He mom is plain crazy ( think drama, cops, lying, pretending to be a victim of domestic violence when she is the violent one) my HB was brought up by trashy parents who he moved far away since he was 19 to be stable and away from that lifestyle. He saved his kid from being exposed to that lifestyle but she picked it up from her friends, moved out at 15 and moved back at 17 after falling out. By then it was too late as her friend had elder brothers drinking and drugging.
My home country is finally stable. My parents and siblings are well off and not looking to migrate. My HB is the love of my life. His weakness is not keeping updated with the treatment of mental health issues, relationship communication or responsible parenting. He's a 'man's man' , traditional and responsible. Its unfortunate that he had a child with a crazy person and tried to overcompensate the craziness by being a doting father. It worked when his daughter was a child, but it all changed when she turned 13.
How horrible for you and your
How horrible for you and your son. I would be blunt with him about what a piece of trash his "sister". How what she's doing is not acceptable to you and list the reasons why following in her footsteps would be very bad for him. I would also tell him just because her father is a fool for letting her do these things, you are not and will hold him to higher standards for his own good.
How you want to handle your husband may be a bit tricky depending on your immigration status.... Rumple laid out a couple nuanced options but we really don't have enough information on what your long term plans are and what your current situation is to give you advice.
Please keep posting and we will try to help you the best we can here.
Double Welcome
Im here to give you the double welcome - welcome to America and welcome to Steptalk. Im glad you are here and sad to read of your issues. Not a great time to have to deal with a toxic SD-Daddy situation.
I would recommend reading extensively around here. The blogs as well as the forums - General and Adult Skids, for example.
I also recomend that you consider attending either marriage counseling or in person therapy sessions for you alone. Moving into a new country is a HUGE HUGE deal. You are very well written and have an excellent command of the language. Journaling online here has helped me in a big way. Talking it out also helps.
There are a few different issues that you are dealing with, and reading up on them always has helped me:
1. Guilty parenting - SD has come from a "trashy mother" situation. (I had this also) whereby she has learned and patterned herself after a certain way of being that is pretty much set. Her father sees himself as her "rescuer" and that is a pattern that is pretty much set. He will "rescue her from her trashy mother" , etc.
2. Disney Dad = he wants to be the "cool dad". She can have s@x, vape, smole out, and its all "cool" with him, and you are set up to be the "meanie stepmonster" who disapproves. Creating a you against them paradigm. They bond over it. Its a dysfunctional bond.
3. Mini-wife = when he considers her in a higher level than you, and she has "spouse status", does he confide in her and include her in household decisions? Mini-wife. They enjoy this dynamic and it is hard to break. Im not saying that is what you are dealing with, but do some reading up on it and see if there are elements in there. You are his spouse, so you need to be treated as such.
4. Financial dependence and power imbalance = because you are waiting for your paperwork that sais you are able to work legally, you are at a disadvantage - you are dependant on your spouse. Therefore, you dont have many alternatives to the current way of living. You can talk, and dialogue and do slideshows with bullet points all you want, nothing will change because your husband will not change them. And what are you going to be able to do about it. You cant withhold finances, you cant move out. HOWEVER, in the US spouses can get half depending on what state you are in...Im not saying divorce, but just know your spousal rights. Knowledge is power.
You might try to research the health repercussions of vaping, if you havent already. Ive heard that it kills your lungs very quickly.
You could try discussing things with your husband about "its in his childs best interest..." etc.
I dont think he will listen however (see above points)
Good luck! Post as needed and welcome.
Big Thanks!
Thank you for your post and support! Reading it really helped me feel comfort and warmth. I knew that the different parenting styles will be the biggest obstacle to our marriage. We get along great in all other aspects. In the past he kept mentioning that his daughter is 18 and can leave as she wishes. We didnt know that this huge drama had to happen for her to leave. HB is saying that I got what I wanted with resentment. He didnt see that I was trying very hard to have my son and I to blend in with them. ( didnt change furniture or remove any of their family photos, try to put their items in the same place that they organised, helped them throw our expired food and drugs and organised pantry and kitchen - its a bachelor's pad)
I'm not perfect and have many flaws. I understand that there were some mental hardship on her part and tried to empathize and be sensitive to what I say to her. I've been walking on eggshells ever since I got here and I'm sure she feels the same way with me. I mentioned to her once that I could hear her cooking in the kitchen and couldnt sleep and asked her if she could tone down a bit or eat other things from the pantry instead of cooking at 1am. She was smiling and agreed, little did I know that she resented me and said that she shouldnt need to be quiet because this is her house. Vaping indoors leave nicotine, heavy metals, chemicals on furntiure, doors, walls etc. I have a large steamer for xmas and used it on every surface o f the bathroom, doors, walls and floors. Its a greatbuy!
I see the gulity parenting saviour type character in him, I see the poor girl victim 'why wont my dad love me and kick the B away' that his daughter acts out ( her Dad replied her what do you mean not love you? I'm at home every day!?) . I see disney Dad and when I explained this to him he denies it and says I'm talking to strangers online. He doesnt talk to her like a mini-wife but I didnt like that he was so polite when he talks to her and laughing when at that time her vaping was still happening ( maybe he was also being trained by her as he walks on eggshells around her. Anything discipline-related talk will trigger her screaming. he either swears back at her screaming or he will backoff and 'pities' her when she fake cries)
I'll get back to work soon, in a few months time, hopefully, to help with the household bills. Yes, on the spouse having half of everything, including his penson. In my home country, the law favors men and I lost of alot of money getting out of the marriage when my ex made much more than me. Child support was subjective. You will receive more money if you had a better lawyer. At the moment, zero child support for me as a deal made when he left for the UK and for me to migrate here with my son. The US has very well established child support system helping parents with childcare costs.
On the brighter side of things. we slept so well on the first night without her in the house. I woke up feeling refreshed and told my HB that I felt like I woke up from a hotel room!
How soon until you can get your green card?
How soon until you can get your green card? It sounds like you are dependent on your DH until then. Once you can work, get a job and start saving money in case this situation becomes intolerable and you need to find a new place for you and your son. I'm sorry you are going through this, but until your DH thinks her behavior is a problem, there is not much you can do.
Thanks all! Feeling less
Thanks all! Feeling less lonely and supported here. Will reply more tomorrow. You all provided great advice and I have great news! She moved tonight temporarily to live with her mom and sister untill she's able to afford renting on her own. Her dad tells me that she will be back soon as her mom is a million times more intense than her.
He cleaned her room and I cleaned the bathroom. The weed and vape smells are still in her jackets, bedding and blinds but the air smells so much fresher now. He found dried up dog pee under the dog mat.
I'm extremely grateful for your support through this forum and it must have sent signals to the universe for this to happen. Thank you everyone!!!!! Love u guys!!!!
Best News!
Now make that your craft room with a couple of fish tanks
Great Idea for craft room and fishes!
I wouldnt mind a gym and craft room. Her stuff are still in the room, she took out clothes, shoes, dirty laundry and left them in the laundry room outside the house and has moved them the past 2 days when we were home, without entering the house or talking to her Dad. Shes non-communicative but still has the keys to the house. We found out that her elder sister (same mom, different Dad) unfriended both my HB and me on Fbook. ( my HB brought her up when he was dating her mom and was acting the role of Dad)
HB blames me for pushing her away with all the small things that I 'complained' and says that I was biased. He says that this is still her house and likely to return as she may not be able to tolerate living with her mom. ( her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 10 and she walked barefooted to her Dad house. Lawyers involved after that for the Dad to gain full custody of her) Her mom lives 10mins away and is charging her $200 a month rent. HB even mentioned if she comes back he may buy a trailer for her to live out in the backyard!
Shes been gone 2 nights and hes talking about having her return! She told her Dad that she will look for storage for her things, I told him that her room can be a short term storage until she rents an apartment to help her save some money ( he said he will help with moving her furniture and belongings even when she hasnt said anything)
After witnessing how she hates me to the core and cannot listen or think clearly, I have fear staying in the house and started locking doors when i'm home.
She is the kind of person what has to live life with 1 bad guy enemy in her mind. My first thought will be that the person taking over this role to be her mom. Her mom is a million times crazier than her. I didnt know it but my HB said that their technique is shouting in your face so that you will start hitting them. They will then call the cops and be the victim. I'm usually calm and nonreactive but she really pushed some buttons in me by constantly repeating and chanting that Im a F ing B and she hates me so much.