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I have just discovered this site and from reading all of the entries.....I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone. I hate it that so many other people are having to go through what I'm going through but I'm still glad that it's not just me. Let me give you a little history on my situation. About 6 yrs ago I met my Soulmate. He had one daughter and I had one daughter and a small son (not even a year old). We lived 350 miles away from each other. (we worked together via the telephone) We dated for a year. Either he would travel to my state or I to his. We talked constantly during the week. Our children got along well and we got along with each others children. Then 5 years ago we married. He adopted my infant son. Everything was fine for awhile....then the signs started showing up that I obviously ignored. He has joint custody of his daughter however it wasn't a 50/50 split back then. He had said to me one evening that "we needed to be more sensitive to SD feelings so she would still want to come over to our house". I really didn't know what to say so I just didn't. Well long story short....he's ALWAYS been over sensitive to the way SD is treated and talked to. He says that I'm to harsh on her (mind you I'm enforcing the same rules on my BD & BS) He says that I am angrier with SD than I am with BD. Over the years this child has lied on me to her mother hence starting an argument between me & DH. She has been mean to my other children which DH has turned his head to saying that they are "just being children". She manipulates her father to get her way about whatever she wants....doesn't matter what he gives in to her. She has been caught trying smoking (at her mothers) but all she got was an "I'm disappointed in you" speech....no other punishment. He says that he doesn't treat her differently but he does. She is allowed a completely different set of rules than the other children. DH says I have an anger issue and that I treat her differently....maybe I do but I certainly feel like he's given me plenty of reason to do so. I am going to see a therapist in hopes that maybe I can get him to see what is really going on here. Anytime I try to talk to him about it he says that I hate his daughter. It's gotten to the point that she's so mean to my BD that she (my BD) told me this weekend that she wants to go back to our old state and live. I'm torn between leaving now and staying to get us counseling to see if we can get this straight. I love my DH VERY much but I'm at my wits end now. Please pray for me to make the right decision.
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Comments
I'm so sorry....
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hopefully this website and counseling will help support you. I know how you feel. I spent much of the weekend arguing with my DH about how obnoxious, selfish and bratty his 2 daughters are. In a way, I understand when my DH does this because I'll defend and protect my children to the ends of the earth, however, I hold them accountable for what they do. Is is just a daddy/daughter thing? Seems lots of SM are dealing with similar issues.
Hang in there. No matter what your decision, it will be the right one and it will get easier.
Welcome!
I came upon a realization myself recently that may click with you... the situation we're living in is temporary, but divorce is permanent. I've been working on a plan to leave, because I felt like I'd run out of any other viable options, but I am realizing more and more that a permanent solution to this temporary problem may not be the way to go for me. I'm watching and waiting, one foot out the door and the other foot still kicking ass and trying to make it work. So...
I think you are on the right track with the therapist. I think another thing you can do is sit down with your husband alone and come up with a WRITTEN list of house rules and expectations for ALL children who live there. Next, come up with a list of disciplinary actions that WILL be taken when/if rules are not followed and expectations are not met that will apply to all the children. Both of you agree to enforce all the rules/expectations evenly across the board, disperse punishments evenly across the board and both sign at the bottom that you are making a commitment to each other and to your family to stick to the program. Then you sit down together with all the children, read and explain it to them so that they will know what to expect from the both of you regarding behavior issues. Then you post it in a prominent place for all to see and refer back to and when a child breaks a rule, either parent takes the child to the list and looks up the rule and metes out the corresponding punishment.
If you do this, it takes the "blame" out of the equation. If you get as much of it in black and white as possible, then you eliminate the "you're picking on my kid" crap. There's no heat of the moment decision that gets made, you just refer to the program. Everyone, adult and children alike, knows what the expectations and consequences are.
Your DH is pitting you and your SD against each other. Your SD is pitting you and your DH against each other. Either way, you are the odd man out. He's probably parenting out of guilt a little and that's hard to back away from. You have to find some way to make discpline be neutral. No two parents parent their children the same way and when you're in a step situation, then you've potentially got four parents trying to parent one child... two bios and potentially two steps. It's crazy!
My advice is see what the therapist has to say. Trying coming up with a program for rules/consequences for the entire family to sign off on and keep coming here to vent. You will find that just by dumping your frustration, hurt and anger here, you're not carrying around as much of it with you and that in itself can make a real difference.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
why do you think we keeping hoping it will get better?
I can't help but hear my own thoughts in your words, I too live every day with one foot in the door and the other out. I had a scary realization the other day...I had to have an mri of my liver done, a possible tumor, as I waited for the results I thought what would I do differently if I only had one year to live and I realized I would move out immediately...I would want that last few months of my life to be peaceful and to be spent with my own children who love me....
so the question is, why do we stay and keep hoping?
Thank you
I read your response Anne and you are exactly right...my situation is temporary and divorce is permanent. After being home last night with my DH I realized that divorce isn't what I really want. He is a very loving, gentle, caring man. He could tell that I was having an extremely bad day. He for no reason at all held me while we were standing in the kitchen and let me have an exhausting cry. He wanted to talk about it however, at that moment I did not. He gave me the space that I needed while making sure to let me know he was there and loved me very much. The problems that I have with SD don't out weigh the monumental love that I have for my husband. I'm going to give it some more time and with the help of a therapist we will make it through this. You are absolutely correct that he parents out of guilt. He didn't have the best parents in the world and with the divorce of him and EX he felt very guilty. I'm sure with the help of a therapist he will see that. He has already admitted to being to passive in his parenting so he just needs help with how to fix it and is more than willing to see a therapist himself. Keep your fingers crossed that this all works out. Thank you again...ALL of you!!!