Figuring out my part in this
It's been a while since I last posted mainly because of work, getting a rental house ready for new tenants and online classes. Whew! I need a vacation!
i didn't walk away from my SO after the last post. I should've...actually I should've left 3 years ago, but I've always prided myself in fighting for something I believe in. I think it's more of a curse now than a blessing.
I've been emotionally distant from SO since February. That was the last BIG fight we had and I left his house. Since then and for the most part, I stopped giving a sh!t. I just don't care. It's like a switch flipped in me and I quit fighting a losing battle. Since then, I daydream about what my life will be like without him in it...the places I will go, the adventures I will have...and I'm okay with that.
He promised for 5.5 of the 6.5 years together that we will get engaged, married and be able to live our lives the way we wanted. Every time I brought it up, he always had a reason to stall....from money issues to custody cases and anything else that sounded good as an excuse.
He went on vacation the 3rd week of May, but promised we would go ring shopping when he got home. We did, but everything was crazy expensive or we had to have an appointment, so I found one on Etsy for a few hundred dollars. I texted him my ring size and then nothing for a few weeks.
I casually brought it up last night after dinner and he said he was just thinking about that the day before, but since he spent so much on his trip and he spent $350 on his hobby last Saturday, he was going to save some $$$ up before purchasing. Now, let me say he definitely has enough money to buy a $300 ring...no worries there.
I'm a strong believer in "we place importance on things we value" and he has shown me for the last time that I'm just a convenience to him. He's been getting everything he wants from this relationship. Of course he doesn't want it to change! But I stood up for myself last night and didn't fall apart or become emotional. I simply stated that I'm not ok with the status quo anymore because I deserve better! I deserve someone who will move mountains for me! He just sat there looking down at his feet. The only objection he had was when I said I didn't want to be exclusive anymore and then asked if we could talk about this at a different time.
So I packed my stuff and came home at 11:30pm. Oh and today, I went to Cricket and switched my phone from his family plan to my own!
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Comments
Congrats!!
I was told one time that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. I'm not saying his being a jerk was your fault. I'm saying (and this applies to me too) that sometimes we allow others to get away with treating us bad.
But I also believe that no amount of convincing from our friends/ family or anyone will convince us to get out of that situation until we are ready.
I stayed in a horrible marriage far too long. But when I left I knew I had exhausted all hope and done all I could do. I was done and knew I deserved better.
I hope you are at that point too. Go explore the world and enjoy your freedom.
Good luck to you!
I forgot to include the part
I forgot to include the part about loving myself enough to walk away from something that is not benefiting me! But yes! I'm learning to stand up for me and it feels damn good!
KUDOS!
And getting an apt ready, whew!
You might not feel it right
You might not feel it right now but I'm a while you'll look back and be proud of both how long you tried to make it work proving you did everything you could and how effectively you are moving on now that it's over.
Good for you! Time to move
Good for you! Time to move on to bigger and better things. I'd be inclined, in your situation, to stay gone even if he ponies up for a ring now. I wouldn't want one that was given under duress, frankly.
I've come to realize that
I've come to realize that this was never about his s16. The kid is not a bad kid, but lazy and extremely entitled. He's had a silver spoon stuck up his rear end since he was born and he is that way because he was raised to be that way. It's not his fault, it's my ex SO and BM/her parents that are to blame. All of them coddled him and BM/her parents threw money his way anytime he wanted. Ultimately, I think it's too late to effectively parent this kid and hope for him to be a productive member of society. He just quit a job working at a go kart track because it was hot. Let that sink in...
I spoke with ex SO today and he made it clear that he wants his checking account above $12k before he purchases a ring.
This amount is his "safety net". He usually keeps it a little above this amount, but his trip and hobby spending put him a little below...so he continues to do what makes him feel safe and sound and to hell with me. He then asked for a few more weeks...ya know, just long enough to get where HE wants to be and then it's my turn! Yay!!! <sarcasm>
He doesn't want to get
He doesn't want to get married. He wants all the benefits without having to put all in.
He is using you. Eff that.
Go find your happy. You will not find it with or anywhere near him.
I refused to see this for the
I refused to see this for the longest time. I thought surely he would come around and give me what I so desperately wanted...but no, he didn't and won't. So, my part in this is that I didn't value myself and was willing to settle for whatever peanuts he tossed my way.
No more. It hurts and I'm sad, but not as much as it used to. I'm tough and I'll be just fine.
You will be better than "fine
You will be better than "fine". You will feel GREAT getting rid of the drama and dead weight!
He is so used to taking you
He is so used to taking you for granted that he seriously thought you would swallow that lame excuse. Block his number so he can't bother you any more - he's just getting in the way of your future.
Good for you for walking away
Good for you for walking away - as you said, if he wanted to be married, you'd be married by now. He doesn't want to get married (seriously, he needs his account at 12K before he can buy a $300 ring?), but he'd like you to stick around anyway.
And be grateful he doesn't want to get married, because then you'd be even more stuck. I'm not sure it's a blessing to "fight for something you think is right" if you don't heed the warning signs that it's NOT right from the beginning. To me, it's more of a blessing to be able to let go when you need to - no matter how hard.
Anyway, to me, that's your part in this - you hung on too long hoping things would change. Best wishes moving forward. And is he really your "ex" if he still thinks you want a ring? Or are you still hanging in there?
I guess he thinks since I've
I guess he thinks since I've held on this long, I'll stick it out a few more weeks. I made it clear that I'm done though. No more going back. Not sure why he expects me to wait when I told him I'm moving on with my life, that I have nothing left to give, this isn't working etc...Maybe he still sees me as a sucker?
He's just delusional. He
He's just delusional. He thinks he's nature's gift to you and that you will be soooo grateful when he buys you a ring. Sigh. You're over him. Just cut off all his means of access to you and get on with living a much better life, the life you deserve.
Yes, I'm assuming he thinks
Yes, I'm assuming he thinks that you've waited this long, you'll wait longer if he makes a vague promise to get you a ring. For the record, DH and I got married with cheap (less than $100) rings. We "eloped" to a local park with our two best friends as officiant and witness. We later got better rings and had a dinner for friends and family. So if he really wanted to get married, it could be done right now for very little money.
Did you really break up with him?
Did you really break up with him? "The only objection he had was when I said I didn't want to be exclusive anymore and then asked if we could talk about this at a different time." Saying you don't want to be exclusive implies that you will see him and other people. For what it is worth, I think you need to make a clean break with this guy. Tell him you no longer want to see him and then end all contact.
I very much agree.
I very much agree.
I did, but at that point in
I did, but at that point in the conversation, I got the impression he wasn't hearing me (not surprising) and I said it that way to "get his attention" for lack of a better phrase. I have since told him that I don't have the energy or even want to do this one more day. Telling him it's over didn't seem to do the trick so I'm still not sure he gets that I'm done...
I'm headed across the state tomorrow to see my son for the first time in about 4 years! I plan on stopping by and picking up some of my yard equipment he's been using on my way back through. Once I get the last of my stuff, I'm blocking him.
Good for you!
Good for you!