RED FLAGS and How to Spot them for N00bs On this Site
These are strictly my observations from years past but still hold true. If you see any of these HUGE RED FLAGS take caution!!!!
I'm sure there are MORE but these are the ones I ran up against and observed other SMS as well:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
-Probably one of THE biggest indicators of Guilty/Disney Dad!
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern?
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
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Comments
Have you met his children? Or
Have you met his children? Or is he waiting because he doesn't want to bring around until he knows the relationship is serious?
For the Step Dads on the site
For the Step Dads on the site just replace "your man" with "your woman", "he" with "she" and "Dad" with "Mom"
An additional phrase for Number 12 from my experience, she says " They just can't do anything right can they?" When you point out something they have done wrong, disrespectful, disgusting, etc etc etc.
yep
or "you're mean spirited, cold, too strict, too harsh" etc. etc.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Some of it is a bit age
Some of it is a bit age appropriate.. like a parent that will lie down with a young child to tell them a bed-time story. And... it really depends on the age and circumstances of jumping into the bed at night. Is it a one time bad dream thing.. or a regular occurance.
I definitely agree with all the ones that basically point out that a man is not going to parent his kids and blame his SO for all conflicts.
And the financial one is HUGE... not only do you want to know his current financial situation.. and not just in relation to his CS obligation btw. But, what are his future plans financially regarding his kids and other major issues. mismatch of goals in finance can be huge issues.
yep
thus the qualifier "routinely" a rare bad dream etc is the exception to the rule.
Yes... there may always be
Yes... there may always be exceptions.
I also don't like when a man tries to "throw you to the wolves" straight away. like very quickly puts you in a caretaker role for his kids. When I met my DH... I think I pretty much thought kids were little aliens.. I didn't have any experience with them. so, I generally hung WAYYYY back and didn't try to mother them in ANY way. I expected DH to take care of his kids when they were with us. I mean, I wouldn't let them drown or anything.. but I wasn't the one making the rules.
Does Daddy cut up the skids'
Does Daddy cut up the skids' food? When they're teenagers?
Not my DH, but I've heard plenty of horror stories...
Chef
did this for SD at age 7. If I hadn't put a stop to it and showed SD how to cut up her OWN food, I'm sure she would be unable/unwilling to do so for herself at nearly 20.
Baby talk!
I've had to be the evil girlfriend and throw out sippy cups, baby utensils and baby plates. That my SO let his 6 yr old daughter keep so she wouldn't be upset. He actually asked her if he can throw something away!! What!! She is 6, not a baby, and shouldn't be asked for permission.
Maybe that is why 3 years later she still resorts to baby talk, its the trauma of losing those baby items at the age of 6!
(No subject)
Another one is if he tells
Another one is if he tells you his daughter is having a hard time accepting that he is dating. That happened to me and I didn’t know it was a red flag. She’s a bitch to me and manipulates her sad that she is not mean to me with her whiney ignorant look.
Oh, oh, oh! I wanna play!
Oh, oh, oh! I wanna play!
- He tells you that his ex is crazy/ill mannered/difficult to get along with. Probably means what he says - BELIEVE HIM.
- He tells you that his kids have had issues with people he has previously dated. Probably means they are mini-spouses.
- He tells you that all the women he has previously dated have hated his kids, and that was a dealbreaker for him. Probably means something was wrong with the kids and Daddy didn't want to hear it.
- He consistently cancels dates or re-arranges your mutual schedule "for the kids". Yes, things do happen, but if you're talking weekly or monthly changes to the custody schedule where he "can't help it", run.
- He immediately answers his phone for kids/BM no matter what he is doing, EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY CALL/TEXT. It's one thing if it is COed call time. However, if kids/BM are texting 3-4 times a day, and he'll stop mid-sentence at dinner with your friends to take a call from BM EVERY TIME, you aren't a priority.
- He drives everywhere for everything. Pick up. Drop off. Forgetting a backpack. Leaving a sock. Whatever - he is a personal chauffer, and it does nothing but teach kids to use Dad.
There is so much more, but that springs off the top of my head.
The last two items on your
The last two items on your list were my first two Stalk posts, I believe...and two things that drove me so crazy.
DH would stop mid-sentence on date night to respond to a text from his youngest, and it felt so intrusive. Also...he's responded to texts early morning when we were...getting in the mood. Such a turn off...I just couldn't possibly be expected to get intimate after that...so I got up to make the coffee. Don't think he made that mistake again. Late night texts, too. All of it drove me insane (getting better now that they're older and out on their own).
Also...yes. He would drop everything to run something to super-forgetful SS. So would BM. I remember one weekend early on when she came to our house 4 times in the same afternoon to bring skids stuff that they "forgot" (phone charger, school books, socks...etc.) They couldn't even all realize what they'd forgotten at the same time...she had to make 4 separate trips...10 or so minutes each way. How absurd. DH followed her lead and would run them their lunch, school IDs, money for after-school activities...gym clothes, tennis shoes...etc. One time, thank goodness, he was in a meeting and called me in a panic to take SS his school ID (which was at BM's...a 15-minute drive there to retrieve it...probably at least 10 minutes trying to find it...then 20 minutes back past our house to the school...then at least 10 minutes to park and drop it off in the office...then 5 minutes back to my house. Insanity) Yes. That's correct. He expected me to drop everything and take at least an hour out of my day to take SS the school ID he'd forgotten for the 3rd time that week. Why? Because the third time means detention...and we can't possibly have SS sitting in detention for 30 minutes. No, no, no. Much better to ask TwoOfUs, a working, bill-paying adult, to take a full hour out of her workday.
Like I said...COD insanity. I was raised to understand that my parents' time was far more valuable than mine...and to act accordingly.
Been There
Burned the tshirt. before i disengaged i was foolish enough to be late for work in order to drive 20 minutes in the opposite direction to drop off SD's book bag. No appreciation whatsoever. Not sure why either Chef nor the Gir were so concerned...all of the skids were truant and failing classes.
The Gir would purposely "forget" to pack sports gear etc so that Chef would go running back to pick up stuff.
- He immediately answers his
- He immediately answers his phone for kids/BM no matter what he is doing, EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY CALL/TEXT. It's one thing if it is COed call time. However, if kids/BM are texting 3-4 times a day, and he'll stop mid-sentence at dinner with your friends to take a call from BM EVERY TIME, you aren't a priority.
My DH did this to me at a restaurant once when we were dating. We finished the meal with him outside on the phone, packed our meals up, paid and proceeded to leave (we were in my car). As we went to walk past him like we didn't know him he suddenly had a panicked look on his face and wanted to know where we were going. I told him we were going home, there was a bus that ran nearby or he could call himself a cab. Last time he did that specifically. He did keep answering the phone rudely at all other times. I have left him on vacation few times when he would walk way, talking to skids. Ok, well, I am on vacation- later. I have also kicked him out of my house over the rudeness of it. Took almost 2 years to completely squash that nonsense. As soon as he immediately stopped answering the phone when we were in the middle of something, BM took the chance to PAS skids over it, telling them daddy didn't love them enough to stop everything he is doing (be rude to everyone around him) and answer the phone for them. Skids have been PAS'd for 4 years now and our lives have never been more peaceful. DH is even relieved he doesn't have to deal with the rude, spoiled BM clones and crazy BM.
Friends
Another one is if he tells you that he and BM are still 'friends'. This is shorthand for 'she has me by the balls' or 'I will do whatever she wants because i' 'm afraid she won't let me see the kids'. Much like the famous 'we are having a low conflict divorce and want to remain friends and work together FOR THE KIDS'. This actually means BM has him running scared and the moment he moves on and has a new partner/wife she will go feral.
Chef actually
deceived himself into thinking he would have an "amicable divorce" (Unicorn Playing Golf in Tundra Patent Pending) with the HC/GUBM spoiled princess from toddlerhood, enmeshed and PASed out by HER BM Girhippo!!!
LOL Yeah that "we're friends"
LOL Yeah that "we're friends" nonsense means BM is nice because she is controlling everythig he does.