Hi all you brave, hard working lot!

God it's hard isn't it? Really hard. Harder than I ever could have even begun to contemplate.
When I was a little girl and I thought about my future I always imagined meeting the perfect guy, getting married, a house, making kids together and bringing them up in an affectionate but disciplined way. If you'd of told me that at 25 I would be with a man with 9 and 6 year old daughters, a psychotic ex and all the cr*p that comes with it I would have laughed....or cried.

After years of meeting horrible men - being constantly let down by them etc - 4 months ago I met the perfect man. Kind, Caring, hard working, you name it. DH [I don't know what this stand for??? I want to say partner or Boyfriend] is perfection but unfortunately he comes with a lot of stuff that is far from perfect. And sometimes it is too much to bear. I ask myself "Why am I putting myself through this?" and tell myself that I don't deserve it, wallowing in self-pity [which i hate], but then I refuse to give up on him, myself, and, to a degree, his kids.

I say to a "degree" because They will never be my kids. I never want them to be my kids. The negative thoughts I have felt just recently are consuming me and I have become such a bitter, miserable person because of it. All the things I hate in a person [...and least I'm not as bad as his ex...].
One of the things I always find myself doing with his kids is comparing them with my FUTURE children. Putting my children first - and they are not even here yet! They might never be. In fact a part of me doesn’t like the idea of kids now, but another part of me knows that I would feel differently towards my own. I look at his kids and only pick up on their physical faults - the wonky teeth, the paleness etc. I think my kids will be prettier, more intelligent, and certainly more well behaved - as I would bring them up to be so. Isn't that awful? The guilt I feel for thinking so selfishly is fierce. I would like to hear more from everyone on this - and know some of the thoughts they have had, so I know i'm not alone, or just really selfish.

I could sit here tonight and write pages and pages of how I feel but most of you have done a pretty good job for me. It's so comforting to know that I a not alone though. And it gives me hope that I might just have a chance to succeed in what seems like a No Win situation, not just for me, but for my partner as well.

P.S I just recently brought the book "The Step Parents Parachute" - Brilliant so far. Like reading my whole life at the moment. I recommend it so much.
P.S.S Just thought I'd add - My partner has his kids all the time pretty much. He is one of the rarer dads who has the kids more than the vile being that is the mother. Our relationship has progressed very quickly within 4 months meaning I've literally gone from being a single gal who doesn't much care about other people kids to living with a older man and his 2 kids. Well....there's nothing like a challenge is there??