Well, sd20 brought sgs (step grandson: I need a short way to write that! LOL) over Tuesday night. She came inside when she dropped him off. I did not complain because she was alone and had to bring him in. I didn't really offer to speak other than to say, "He's gotten so big" and I wasn't really talking to HER, but she said, "Yes, he has." She left sgs here with us for a little over an hour. Something strange happened during this time.

I love this little guy... but wow. He pitches some fits already and he's only 5 1/2 months old! I said something to my dd's that if he's doing this NOW, sd20 is gonna have her hands full when he's 2! They laughed because they don't really understand what I mean since they are only 10 and 13, but they know sd's temper. But it instantly made me think about the tempers that I cannot stand in sd20 and ss22 (and dh, but the sk's are worse than dh). THIS little man is going to have it too!

Y'all, this may sound bad, but I instantly felt something in me just disconnect. It was like something just turned off like a light switch. The strong loving emotion I felt for him previously, suddenly wasn't there anymore. Don't get me wrong... I do still love him. How can you not love a baby? But it's almost like I could see the little monster this baby is going to turn into and I was questioning if I really wanted to be a part of that at all.

From the day he was born he has been a crier. He cried constantly (not colic, because he could be consoled but it was worse than if a baby is "spoiled") from the time he was born until he was 4 months old (the last time I saw him before now). Now, he doesn't cry all the time, but he would just start crying for no apparent reason and NOTHING would make him stop. I changed him... nope. Gave him a bottle... nope. He has no rashes or anything so there was NOTHING that made sense. Then all of a sudden, he would just stop. He'd be red faced screaming and just when you thought you couldn't take anymore, BOOM. He'd stop. When I put him in his carseat to feed him his baby food, he arched his back and started screaming harder. I could just picture him laying in the floor kicking his legs! When I started feeding him, he was fine until the food was gone and then it started all over again.

Let me be honest and tell you... I couldn't wait til she came to get him. And on the same hand... he had his sweet moments. My dd10 was holding him and I went over and started talking to him where he could see me and he would just smile and give the occasional coo. But probably 50-60% of the time was him screaming and/or crying for no apparent reason.

All I could do was picture my sk's and their tempers. It saddens me to know that this horrible family trait that runs through my dh's side of the family is going to continue on down through the line. But it also taught me something. If this was one of my children's children, I know my love would be unconditional regardless. Since my sd made it a point to tell me that I am NOT her mother and I never did anything for her as a mother, it has really made me disconnect, even from her innocent baby.

All of this said to say this one thing... this disengaging thing just got a HECK of a lot easier!