When it comes to household rules and expectations, you do have some say... or you sit your DH down and you tell him that either she cleans her room and her messes or he does. His choice.

Having a conversation with your DH? fourteen year old teens do not participate in adult decisions nor discussions of the adults while they make the decisions. No, you are not the teens mother, but you are the adult in the home who supplies the roof.

Welcome to Steptalk. Lots of stepmoms here and lots both mothers and stepmoms.

First think you will learn here is a mix of learning to disengage on things that do not personally affect you or your marriage and the other part of mix is demanding respect in your home. You are not crazy. You are not dramatic.

oh, and teen females are obnoxious creatures at times. Both bio and step daughters.

My DH and I just had an angry conversation about this. He let BM make a decision about our house that "didn't seem like a big deal" without consulting me. In reality, the decision that would not have been a big deal, if he and I had made it together, but it was a big deal because BM has no say in what goes on in our house. This was also something at one SS asked about over the last weekend and was told no. He went home and told BM that we said yes...DH has said he will say something to his child over the lying, but I know he won't. This child lies all the time. I have told DH that I find that SS difficult to like because he is lazy, manipulative, and he lies. I don't think DH likes hearing this, but I decided I had to tell him because I needed to disengage from that child.

Long story short, after our heated argument, DH agreed that he and I had to be partners in running our house and neither BM nor his children had any voting rights on what we did in our house. I know we will still struggle with this.

I think it might be worth it for you and your DH to see a counselor. There's no reason his child should have any say in your relationship or your household. He needs to realize he is the parent and she is the child. She is not contributing to the household, so while she can share her views and they can be taken into account, she does not decide. Also, she should treat all adults in her household (all people, actually, not just adults) with respect. As a parent, he should be embarrassed when she tells you that you aren't in charge of things in your own house.

ah glad you separated finances and keep it that way...

now next step would be to disengage, you are not their mother thus you will do nothing for them, you learn to reply to their questions with ASK YOUR DAD....

it's not going to be easy, but if you can do this for 3 months and ignore DH's rants for doing it, your life will be allot easier and way more enjoyable..

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

First of all, telling someone they are over dramatic and crazy isn't particularly constructive. I mean, if you are so over dramatic and crazy... why does he want to be married to you anyway.

Do other people give you this same feedback? Your family? Co-Workers? Friends? etc... I mean, I know some people that ARE drama queens and it is tiring since even the most trivial issue becomes blown up and people will start just ignoring everything.. Sometimes it's not just what you are trying to communicate but HOW you are doing it in order to be effective.

From your original post, I am taking it that you have TWO stepdaughters...one in HS and one in college correct? But, it is the one at home that gives you the bigger issues.. basically because she is at home.

In general, I can see your SD's point if you are trying to exert your will and control over decisions that impact her. I am not talking about the expectations that she keep her room clean or be respectful... I am talking about you maybe acting as the rule maker for things like whether she can go on a ski trip or what her curfew is or what courses she will take in school. Obviously, where you have a financial stake, you do have a say. If your funds were to have to fund half of her ski trip.. then certainly you could veto if you can't afford it right? But, probably the day to day parent decisions should be made by her father... I'm not saying you can't remind her to clear her place setting after a meal, but setting curfew should be on dad.

I am less clear on what discussions she is putting her 2 cents in on and why you wouldn't want her to have a say (if it impacts her). Now, I'm a believer that the adults have full veto power and absolute final say, but if the discussion surrounds the family vacation then I don't see a problem with a child at least voicing their preferences... not that those preferences will be catered to, but it's fine for them to have an opinion. As to other discussions, I'm not sure what they would be and why she would want to get involved in "household" decisions that would typically be made by adults.

Certainly there should be an ability for you or your husband to indicate that what is being discussed is beyond her pay grade so to speak.

Your house= Your Rules. I've already told my DH that since any kid we have will be raised on the same rules and expectations (I refuse to raise on a double standard, or to have some kind of s*** rules in the house, or disrespect) that we're discussing them together and making a decision. At first I was hesitant because I didn't want to upset their way of life... BUT, I realized, as long as I'm picking my battles and we introduce things like responsibility and chores gradually, rather than just an abrupt change, that it's okay, because it's OUR household, not just his and the kids.

Talk to DH in PRIVATE about all this. And let him know it's your home too. SD shouldn't even be around when you're talking about it all. This is between you two, sure it affects her, and yes you're going to have to pick your battles, but you need to discuss it with your DH. Ultimately you want to be sure she's not feeling TOO slighted, BUT you two are the adults of the household, not her, so she doesn't get finally say in virtually anything. You two decide to veto and that's that. It's your house and your rules. Just remember to pick your battles and don't sweat too much over the tiny things.