She doesn't have to be thankful
SD9 is having a birthday soon. Every year DH plans a big shindig for her. I always go along with it. I help out, I plan. If it were my child, I’m not sure if I would have a big shindig every year, but that’s just me and not my choice to make. This year its 15 kids bowling with 2 kids sleeping over.
SD9 comes home from another kid’s birthday party this past Sat. I ask “how many kids did this boy have at his party”. The answer was 3. So, I say, “SD9, you should be thankful that you get to have a big party, not every kid gets to have a big party”. DH looks at me and says, “Why should she have to be thankful?” His face is instantly argumentative and challenging. He says “We are the ones that have chosen to do this for her, why should she be thankful”? And I repeat myself, "because not all kids get big parties every year". All of this is spoken in front of her.
So, we spend the rest of the night not speaking and the next day, I decide to do my own thing. Of course I was still angry for so many reasons.....like why do I bother doing anything for her if she doesn’t have to be thankful for it. And why say that to me in front of her?? (he argues with me in front of her all the time if he doesn’t agree with what I have to say. And most of the time I bite my tongue because I don't want the argument. This time, I was blindsided).
So last night we finally “talk” about it. Our way of communicating is a joke.....regardless, he says “You made her feel bad about her birthday”. “She is thankful.” “Shes a really good, sweet kid, she always says thankyou”. And I say..”so if there is a World Vision program on TV and we see images of starving kids, and I look over and say to her “SD9, you should be thankful you have food to eat”, I would be wrong because that might make her feel bad?”. He says, “not everything has to be a lesson”. Of course, there’s more to our conversation, but that’s the jist of it.
We “discuss” other things too and he reminds me that in our situation “dad, stepmother, kid with 50/50” that its SD9 that has it the worst off all of us.
Of course, in this situation, its not just this conversations, its many similar situations like this one. Ones that stem from me doing things, helping, planning, looking after her while he’s out of town or playing on his sports team, its me entertaining her constantly, then something like this happens and I’m reminded that I’m not an equal parenting partner, I’ve been put in my place, then I think, 'well that’s it, I’m not doing that sh*t anymore', but then I do, and then this happens again and I feel like complete shit AGAIN!
Someone here has a tagline that reads “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. That’s me, in a nutshell.
And its our anniversary today….funny I don’t feel like celebrating.
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Comments
Hmmmmmm...this is about way
Hmmmmmm...this is about way more than the child's Birthday party, isn't it? If you really stop and think about it, can you see that maybe he is argumentative because he feels defensive? And maybe you made the comment because you might feel a little jealous of the attention your stepdaughter is receiving?
I don't either of you is "right" or "wrong". I think both of you are having a hard time articulating the real issues. Just a guess....
I am getting the impression
I am getting the impression that bioparents get really defensive when SP make any comments in regards to THEIR kids ~ why. I could make the SAME EXACT comment to my BD and nothing would be done, said, or even thought twice about. I say it to SD and HOLY SH*T - you would think I killed the Pope. It's not that what you say is wrong all the time - it's the ? of, Why do they get so defensive and mad?
Every kid should be thankful for things they get; even B-Day parties. I never had a bit huge party. We have a total of 4 kids and we allowed them to have big parties up until 10; after that a few people could come over and we would have cake and icecream at the house. then big parties again at 16 - 18....
Life isn't gumdrops and lollipops. I believe being thankful is very important to teach kids; instead of just "expecting" it.
I agree with that. I know
I agree with that. I know I've been guilty of that.
I think it all comes down to communication.
I make these kinds of
I make these kinds of comments to my kids all the time. It's my way of making them appreciate what they have. Points out to them how not everyone is as fortunate as them. Build some empathy for others. Give them perspective on life. Not allow them to be so self centered. Call it what you want - I call it parenting.
I don't want them to grow up entitled and selfish little (or big) brats.
I will say that I try to keep these 'lessons' light and joking but still.
Agree! Agree! Agree! Our
Agree! Agree! Agree!
Our parents reminded us all of the time that we were "lucky to have....", and although it made us crazy at the time, it did teach us to realize that things like big birthday parties were not an entitlement, but a luxury. Parents are not REQUIRED to shower their children with gifts, parties, and everything else they desire. Sometimes, it's "good to want".
hbell, that's pretty much it,
hbell, that's pretty much it, isn't it. I made the comment to her, not because I was jealous, but because I hear parents say these things to their kids all the time. What made SD9 feel bad was her father arguing about it with me in front of her. If he felt that strongly about it, why not have a discussion with me offline, after she went to bed? What's wrong with reminding kids that not everything we do for them is a given?
I volunteer at a drop in shelter. If I had my own children, I would do things like that with them, show them how lucky and privleged we are to have what we have. But this man wouldn't want his daughter to "feel bad".
My kids would also have chores, responsibilities etc.
Honestly, we're scratching our heads because we have no idea what to get her for her birthday, and honestly, she doesn't really want much....why? Because all year long, her dad gets her whatever she wants. Nothing is really earned. Its sad really.
Luvthemall, maybe not everything has to be a lesson, sure, but when is the time? Should the lessons only come from bio's?
Tell me what the rules are? I really want to know. When is it appropriate for me to ask her to pick up her jacket when she comes home, or to help clean up? Or make her bed? Or remind her that she's a truly lucky kid who litterally, wants for nothing.
If that's not my place, then I won't do those things. I won't teach the lessons, I'll leave it up to her father (and mother). But then, maybe I shouldn't be expected to help out so much when they need 'help'.
I'm clearly frustrated. Frustrated with not knowing exactly what my "place" is. Thinking that I'm a valued part of the family and the step"parent", but then being reminded that "its not my place".
I like this kid. I really do. I don't want to give the impression that I don't. She is generally pretty good kid.
I feel like i'm in between a rock and a hard place.
See that's where I think
See that's where I think maybe there is more history there. Do you do that a lot? Have you made little comments or digs about stuff like this in the past?
Anger is always fear in disguise. Always. So what is it that your husband is afraid of? Does he think that you believe he is a bad parent? Is he concerned that maybe he is? What are you afraid of?
Please understand I ONLY ask this because I've done it so many times. And it was only when I stepped back and really thought about it that I was able to sort of see my husband's frustrations.
I think...actually, I know...my husband would admit to the same thing. We've talked about it before.
There is nothing wrong with telling a child she should be thankful for what she has. I do that every single day with my kids. My 17 year old son spent all day building a Habitat for Humanity Home. I think it's critical that kids get how fortunate they are. I don't think you were "wrong" at all. But I think if there was conflict, it's important to at least try to discover the real reasons.
I do think regardless of your husband's feelings on the issue, he should have discussed it with you privately. I think he was dead wrong in calling you out in front of your stepdaughter.
Im not sure that your SD
Im not sure that your SD would have taken your comment as "trying to make her feel bad" had Dad not made it out to be that in front of her. Im sure your intention was not to insult her. I say things like this to my kids all the time. I think its important that they know, just because their parents afford them things that a lot of kids dont get, doesnt mean that they can take advantage of it. Not that they ever have or intend to but it never hurts to remind a child how lucky they are...we all know they grow to take things for granted at least once in a while.
I have used the "insanity definition" several times in the past. It hard to be what you think people expect out of you or what you think your family needs and have them treat you less. Whats even worse is that they get the luxury of picking and choosing what they want from you when they want it. I went through this for years and finally am breaking free of all of it a little more lately. Its unfortunate but WantNoSkids is right. Disengaging is the best way to keep your sanity in tact in most situations. Good luck, I think you heart is in the right place.
"Whats even worse is that
"Whats even worse is that they get the luxury of picking and choosing what they want from you when they want it."
Very true statement.
How to disengage without seeming like you don't care, seeming selfish? I need to read that book
Thanks Vick (I always value
Thanks Vick (I always value your advice). I need to learn to successfully disengage and I'll definately read the Smart Stepmom.