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Just when things seem better....life crashes down.

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 1:26am

We haven't spoken really in 3 days. An argument about something inconsequential. But what I think it stems from is a fight from a couple of weeks ago. I had 2 miscarriages in 09. We separated ...twice. The last time, he was adamant he didn't want to adopt. I went back. And grieved alone. Finally a couple of weekends ago, we had an argument. After a few days of curt words and mostly silence, followed by some hurtful words, I asked him if he felt guilty. "Do you feel guilty when you see me hurting?". He said no. He felt no guilt. (he was angry..he tends to hold on to his anger) I told him that if he did feel guilty, he needed to stop, because the guilt was stopping him from supporting me. The next day, he relented, said he did feel guilty and would re-consider adoption. That "he couldn't watch me not live my dream" It was like something out of a bloody romance novel. I was relieved.

I didn't know what we would decide ultimately, but I let go of all the resentment. Because we had SD9 with us the following week we didn't talk about it further. And I needed some time to figure out if adoption was really what I wanted..for both of us.

Fast forward one week. We fight over something so inconsequential. And now...silence. The silence is so painful. He's sleeping in our spare room again. No words. No resolution. I extended the olive branches, trying to get past this. But from experience, apologizing for my role, only validates his anger. Regardless.

I can't help but look at the big picture. I think he's regretting what he said regarding adoption and this is his way out.

I have been up and down with this man in our relatively short relationship (3 years 4 months). We've only been married a year last October.

I can't take this loneliness. I wish he didn't have this power to ..make me feel like...dirt under his feet. When its good, its so good. But when its difficult, its painful.

Lord give me strenght.

Comments

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 8:50am

Brightside - if being a mother to your own child (bio or adopted) is important to you and your dh isn't interested, you need to rethink your relationship because there can be a lot of resentment down the road and by then it may be too late for you to move forward with a plan. My dh and I are struggling because of our infertility issues and the loss of our son. If he treated me the way your dh is treating you, I'd have to boot him out the door regardless of my love for him. We're exploring adoption and I will tell you this for your own protection. It is a long process and agencies will be on the lookout to make sure both you AND dh really want this because they're working for the birthmothers and the babies, not you. If they sense at all that dh is only doing it to "make you happy" and not because it is what he wants, you'll be rejected. Please don't not live your dream for your dh. I'm being forced to deal with it even though my husband is supportive and it sucks.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 9:08am

I'm so tired. I haven't slept in days. I'm at work wondering, crying with door closed, if I have the strenght to make it through the day.

Our pattern is vicious. Something will happen, I feel excluded, slighted, unloved.....then I bolt..."fight or flight", I leave, he gets angry, and he holds on to the anger, this time for days. Which makes me more unloved, slighted.

Then he'll "come around" and give me so much love that I forget, just how completely rotten I felt, and bask in the love....until next time.

Its ironic that he would never, in a million years, withold affection or love to his daughter, but he can so easily "turn it off" with me.

He slept in the other room again...I crawled into bed with him at 5:00 a.m....desperate for sleep, but he just ignored me. I asked him if he was "done". He said "I don't know" "now is not the time to talk about it". So I went back to our room, alone.

I don't even know if I want to adopt (at 41 years old)..I don't know if its right for me, for us, for the child for SD9. I was still debating it. We hadn't even discussed it.

I don't understand how this man, in the past, can see that I'm in pain, and not offer support. I can't wrap my mind around it.

And for him...life goes on. He doesn't agonize like I am.

I'm tired, hurt, angry, sad, lonely.

Then I go back to thinking..."After all I've done to wrap my life around you and your daughter. After hours and hours of entertaining her, babysitting her, thinking of her well being" "And after all this time 'adjusting' to my role, learning my boundaries'" Its never going to be enough.

He says, at times, "no one loves you more than I do". Then...when its tough...he either yells....or, like now, witholds, ignores.

I have to get through this day and sleep tonight.

Purpleflower09's picture

Submitted by Purpleflower09 on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 9:15am

It's hard yes. I may never be able to have my own child because of numerous reasons. BM has her children and has nothing to do with them, she had children with my husband and I can't even have children with my husband...it seems unfair and it DOES make you feel like the other woman. BM will always be in my husbands life because of my SK, but if he left me or if I left him..that would be that. I feel like a second class citizen sometimes and feel cheated out of alot. But I work through it every day and realize that anything can change for the better.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 9:38am

Before I met DH, i had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that there were no good ones left. So I thought to myself..."self, save up some money, and adopt when you're 45". I was about 36 at the time, but the thought certainly freed me from the anxiousness I felt at finding a man and having children the conventional way.

Then everything changed when I met DH.

Maybe I should just hold on to my back up plan. Perhaps that will get me through this.

Children, to me, represent this bond, this.."I love you, no matter what". To be 100% responsible for this child, my child, to be instrumental in their successess (or failures). Its not the same with step children, especially when they already have parents who love them. I will never be "mom" if I stay in this.

I guess I have to figure out, just how important that is to me.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 10:16am

I am truly sorry for how you feel. I know this doesn't help but I do know most of how you feel. I do have a supportive husband and that helps, but I do know that feeling of loss and loneliness. It plagues every part of my day. If I have to get Creature off the school bus my mind is overwhelmed with the thought that I will never get to do that with a child of my own. We were sledding the other day with the whole neighborhood and my only thought was that all these other adults are watching their kids. I feel isolated. My dh doesn't understand because he IS a parent. I am not. I get no pride or joy from his daughter. I have no vested interest in how she turns out as a human being and even if I did, there isn't much I can do about her 'mother's personality'. You aren't alone. I know that doesn't help. It doesn't help me when people say it. PM me if you need to talk / vent more.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!