Skid listens to me better than his own father and trying to find a solution for a money situation.
DH picked up the skids last night. It's funny how he has to tell YSS to go to bed 4 times before he listens however, last night around 9:30 pm I go take the dogs outside before I go to sleep and YSS is sitting in the living room with the with the TV blasting. I tell him it's a school night and you know the rules go to bed. I come back in and TV is off and and YSS is in his room. So do you think that he just knows that DH will let him get away with stuff and let him to whatever he wants and I won't?
We are still fighting about the money situation so I added everything up and if we split the bills like the mortgage, electric, water etc. 50/50 and then I buy my own groceries and DH buys his own groceries for him and the skids that it might work so we don't fight about money anymore. He said that I was selfish and that if I wanted to be independent and on my own that I should just move in with my dad.
I am at a loss at this point because this budget of $125 a week for groceries is stressing me out. If I go over $125 on the grocery bill he jumps my ass about it. Should I be able to have a say in how much I spend on groceries?
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Remind me again why you're
Remind me again why you're still with this guy?
Ehh sometimes you have to
Ehh sometimes you have to budget. I spend $100 a week to feed 6 people. I make it work because that's what is in the budget. Not many people understand how I do it but it is what it is. Every now and then we do a stocking run. This is where I take DH grocery shopping with me and we stock up on stuff we normally don't buy. We do this every couple months or so. My favorite is Walmart or Kroger grocery pickup. It is super easy to stay on budget with that and Kroger will give you free stuff all the time. Walmart only gives free stuff on holidays.
$100 a week for people is
$100 a week for people is damn good. Please tell me what you buy so I can try to be better at this.
We eat a lot of meals that
We eat a lot of meals that have ground beef in it. You would be surprised at what all you can make with ground beef. And if you buy the bigger packages and separate them you save money. I also freeze a lot of stuff. Like if I am making spaghetti I will freeze half of it. or casseroles are good to freeze as well. You can also freeze tortillas and reheat them in the oven just fine. If things are on sale, I buy extra. I also get quick stuff that you just pop in the oven, those are great when you really don't want to cook but you still have to feed your kids something. I buy chicken when it's on sale, sometimes I will go ahead and cook and shred the chicken, divide it up and freeze it too. But I also should mention my kids are still young so my budget will prob change when they get older. And we rarely eat out. I even take leftovers for lunch most days other days I take a sandwich. If we want pizza, I found the best frozen pizza is Wild Mike's. It's large enough to feed everyone and tastes good. Plus it comes with season packets. We also don't drink a lot of soda and I buy a lot of non brand stuff unless I know that it's one you have to buy name brand of.
I guess I just need to try to
I guess I just need to try to make it work then. Thank you mamabear3
I believe you're correct in
I believe you're correct in your assumption on YSS.
I've gotten a very exacerbated "but dad doesn't do that!" when I've been the one to lay out the kid's options.
On the money side of things, we have separate finances. We are 50/50 on the static housing expenses (mortgage, taxes, insurance), he picks up the larger share on utilities. Everything else is separate.
If your DH truly thinks separating finances is selfish on your part (and it wasn't just a hurt knee jerk reaction) I think it might suggest you're carrying more than your share of the finances.
Do you know exactly what his hang up on your proposed budget?
Does it impact his ability to save? Or did he overextend on something based on household income rather than just his own?
Does it force him to curb Disney dad tendencies?
Or is he genuinely offended because that's not how a married couple behaves in his mind?
I think if you have an idea on what drives his reaction you'll have a better idea on how to enact that financial separation so that there is less potential for resentment on both sides.
He says that we need to save
He says that we need to save money for our future and that he is thinking about us. He does make more money however he has way more bills though. He would have no problem saving money if I wasn't around I don't think. I don't put up with his kids running a muck in my house and doing whatever they want so maybe he feels like he needs to be in control of something by setting this budget and telling me what I can and cannot spend on something.
My budget used to be $80,
My budget used to be $80, THAT was rough. I got tired of it and made DH go grocery shopping with me and see what he could do with that. If you really feel like you need an increase in the food budget, make him go grocery shopping with you. That could be an eye opener for him. My DH used to have to have all name brand stuff until I made him go with me a couple times. Now he is fine with off brand on most things.
If you have had a problem
If you have had a problem sticking to the budget... try asking him to switch a responsibility. He can do the grocery shopping and then he can see how easy/hard it is to stick to it. Honestly, if he isn't in the stores on a weekly basis and doesn't see the price of food, how does he know a loaf of bread is 99cents... or 3.50? I have seen a few instances where rich people/politicians were asked for the prices of common household food items and they were usually way off. They don't participate intimately with that task, so they just don't know. Maybe even a month of him doing it would help. That way the dynamic can change so YOU get to complain about having ground meat "again" and he can see what a challeng it can be to shop and feed a dynamic household like yours.
Ask him to give you a counter
Ask him to give you a counter proposal that would address his concerns. If he sits down and works the numbers he may be better able to explain or showcase his issue(s) with your suggestions.
Keep in mind I'm a big proponent of separate finances, but ultimately I would aim for:
1. Each handle your own bills (ex. car payments, credit cards, savings, 401k,etc.)
2. Have a reasonable split on the joint static recurring expenses (ex. mortgage) and
3. That same split on your shared goal(s) - joint vacation, new furniture, a remodel, whatever.
And yes, you should treat savings and retirement as a bill.
Beyond that you budget your spending money any way you see fit and he does the same.
If his concern is future savings then he should already be saving as well as contributing towards retirement.
If he doesn't do that now, why not?
If he does but he won't be able to do that because you separate finances then he needs to make changes to his own budget, not yours.
If his concern is that you're not adequately contributing towards your own savings and retirement and that's not possible for you because of the current share of finances then again the budget needs to be reworked to allow you to contribute to your own.
If savings and retirement contributions aren't possible for one or both of you because of current spending habits that's a completely different animal.
I would show him how your proposal allows for each of you to contribute fairly (doesn't always mean equally) and ask him to help you understand how what you suggest doesn't address his concerns, what his ideas are to address those concerns.
Based on what you've posted I would guess his reaction is an emotional one more than anything else but if he's required to participate in the problem solving he may be better able to communicate his concerns.
Duplicate, oops.
Duplicate, oops.
I struggle to stay at about
I struggle to stay at about $150-165 per week with 4 of us. I know a lot of that is because I am picky with meat and we do a lot of fresh produce and it gets expensive. I have a few "cheap" dinners that I rotate in to keep weekly costs down. I LOVE my instant pot!! Being able to pressure cook large amounts of meat and freeze for different casseroles, or meals later has been a life saver especially when there is a good sale.
I make sure DH gives me $ if
I make sure DH gives me $ if I do a big shopping trip, period.
I also do not buy special things for the SDs, ever.
I do not do grocery trips only for the SDs - if he wants to make sure we have the very specific food items they "require" then he has to make sure he gets them when they are with us.
I refuse to be the primary food funder in our house, esp. after doing almost all the food purchases one summer and realized how much I was spending. Not ever again.
I think what I would do is
I think what I would do is keep my receipts for a couple weeks worth of groceries and spend some time analyzing where you're spending the money. If it's snacks or junk for the skids, then just cut that out of your shopping if it's causing you to go over budget. Same thing with soda - it's not good for anyone. If it's fresh fruit and veggies, think about whether frozen might be cheaper (they're not always). If it's food that you really feel is necessary, then show the receipts to DH so that he's aware of prices and the fact that it is not easy to feed the family on the budget he's given you.
I suspect this isn't about the cost of groceries, but about control. If that doesn't work, I'd either let HIM do the grocery shopping with that budget, or I'd go ahead and split the finances as you suggested regardless of his opinion. If he gets mad and leaves over splitting finances, well, he doesn't sound like a big loss anyway.