SD’s bm not involved at all and doesn’t pay a cent!
Ugh I'm just so frustrated I just need to rant. I have a 7 month old baby and I've been with my partner for 6 years. He has a 13 year old daughter. BM isn't involved, has been in & out of rehab & now that she's been out for 5 months with a new place and stable job, even though she only lives 15 minutes away in the same TOWN... she's spent time with SD literally maybe 5 times. My heart breaks for this kid & everyone in the family pities BM bc her mother was an addict and therefor it's not her fault she's an absolute mess. Well she's been clean and sober for awhile now and she's still apparently not interested, as a mother I just cannot understand it.
here's the kicker, we've had full custody for 5 years now. BM has never paid a CENT in child support, no dental care, no school supplies, no clothes, nothing. Now that we have a baby I'm on maternity benefits, and every cent I receive goes towards OUR family and both these kids. But it's beginning to be a very tough pill to swallow, knowing I would be able to provide & save up more for my son, and not have to go back to work early and enjoy my time while he's young.. because a grown ass woman has decided she doesn't want to be responsible. Always an excuse. I tried talking to my partner about this and he said "she said recently she might have to move to a trailer park.... I don't want to upset SD more than she already is"
wtf do I do.
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I'm not sure why going after
I'm not sure why going after her mother for child support would upset SD more than she already is. It has nothing to do with her, this is between her parents, two adults. Is there a court order for child support? Besides, he should be a damn sight more worried about upsetting you! Don't let him off the hook, this stuff is important.
I think it's because when SD
I think it's because when SD found out her mom was leaving for rehab it really traumatized her, & bc she's getting older she's putting two & two together that her mom isn't "normal" like her friend's mothers, and that she's unstable.
& no. There's no court order. She has another younger child with a different man and doesn't have custody of that one either (that one is court ordered) but my partner and BM have never been to court. They separated when SD was a baby and they were very young. Never dealt with it & clearly partner is too cowardly now because it's been so long of enabling.
So she pulls the pity card "I'm poor, I have this problem, I have this problem, and this, etc" and manipulates the shit out of my partner, although he can't stand her he's being a complete jellyfish. He thinks if he takes her to court or fights her over this, she'll go self destruct again and his daughter will blame him because everything's been "cordial"
only cordial because she's not involved what so ever lol
After 13 years, there is no
After 13 years, there is no legal custody established? Damn.
Either your partner goes
Either your partner goes after BM for child support since that is their child and they are both financially responsible for her OR he finds a way to make more money to cover the difference of what BM would be paying. Either way, this isn't on you to sacrifice to make up the difference and make ends meet. Hold him to either of those two options.
I'm also just on maternity
I'm also just on maternity benefits like I said, and even though I take care of the baby 100% by myself (breastfeeding) and do all the housework, I'm still paying half the rent...
and I help contribute groceries & treats for his SD constantly. Is it normal for you to ask your wife/partner of your baby to still pay rent while on leave? I don't want to feel selfish or like I need to be "taken care of" but it just doesn't seem fair. Everyone benefits from this except my son and I :(
I'm still paying half the
No it is not. If I had to pay half the rent seggs would be completely off the table.
The average man is not going to ask his intimate partner to pay half of rent unless he doesn't like her and using her.
Real men enjoy providing for their wives, their partners, and their families because it makes them feel masculine. And with the exception of minor bills or emergencies - they should not (in my opinion) expect that a women's contribution to the household be financial because we are filling other roles such as cook, maid, child rearing, therapist, seggs goddess and adding financial provider to that list of roles is what single / divorced moms typically have to do.
So unless you're single then no you should not pay rent. Imo.
Unless this is something y'all agreed to on the front end but you should not have agreed to that (imo) because as you can see it's not in your best interest to do so. Now he got you out here risking your life to birth and care for his kids AND help him pay bills.
Girl you better start having multiple conversations with him soon and tell him he needs to pull his weight financially because he sounds like a dead weight.
And you shouldn't have been
And you shouldn't have been paying half all this time, anyway. It should have been divided into thirds, with your SO responsible for himself and his daughter.
everyone in the family pities
No it IS her fault. No one put a gun to her head and forced her to dope up at the cost of losing custody of her kids.
She didn't want custody of those kids so she didn't care
She should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law...discreetly hire a PI to find out where she works, her work schedule, where she lives, and have a process server serve child support papers at her job and have those checks garnished from her paycheck.
People who shirk their responsibility to their kids need to pay max child support the state mandates.
If she didn't want them she should have dropped them off at 1 day old at the firestation safe house and relinquished her rights. Since she still has rights she HAS to pay up! No if ands or buts.
Not trying to be rude but you were aware of your husbands parenting situation? So he should have had his custody/support arrangements situated before marrying/procreating with you and/or you had the choice to leave and find a man with no child support/full custody issues but you chose to stay.
At any rate ....
Tell your husband to work double shifts and sue his BM for child support AND arrears ASAP! And accept that step son's financial needs are 100% part of your household bank roll - for now at least.
Tell him that going after her
Tell him that going after her for child support will maybe light a fire under her tobetter herself for the kids win-win, no? I'd also want a custody order because as things stand she could just swoop in and take her child. If she ever did that, whose side do you think kids the judge would take? Best get it done ASAP.
Like my wife would say
When I bitched about BF not paying support. "You can't get blood from a rock". As BM is not going to pay. She will get some part tine job at minimum wage. Is $40 a month going to help? A trip to McDonals? And blood is thicker then water. BM will take tge credit at graduation and wedding
^this. My husband was awarded
^this. My husband was awarded $100 a month from his ex in child support last time they went to court (I think that is the minimum they charge). He never received a penny, he didn't bother to chase it up either. To us that would barely affect our budget and he didn't want the hassle. I also got cheesed off at the principal of the thing that she doesn't contribute anything but you just have to choose to let it go or it will drive you crazy.
When I married my husband I knew he had a kid, I knew that he paid child support (at that time, custody has switched a few times over the years) and earnt more than BM and was likely to always significantly out earn her. I try to look at the expense side of his child as a debt he brought into the marriage just like I brought in my student loan. We will keep paying until it is paid off (ie when she is 18 and/or somewhat independent).
It sucks that 100% of the expense and parenting falls on your household. I get that. It sucks that you won't be able to be the sahm that you want to be for you child. Step parenting is hard, especially when dealing with useless bio-parents.
The only thing that you can really do is to try to renegotiate the household expenses with your husband. While I don't agree that men should be providing 100% when their partner earns an income , it can be argued that you should not be responsible for the costs of your step daughter. There are various ways to find an equitable split of expenses that could work for your household based on income and financial responsibilities. If your incomes are more or less equal then you could argue that you should contribute 3/8ths and your husband contribute 5/8ths towards rent/bills etc. (assuming each person in your household is 2/8ths of the expense) and then extras that are just for your sd, childcare, school expenses, clothes, extracurriculars etc are 100% your husband's responsibility where as you will split the cost of your joint child 50/50. If your salaries are significantly different then you might agree to a different split of the rent/bills with the higher earner paying more. While you're on maternity benifits this will probably apply to you. In which case I might take your current "pay cut" and split it in half and have your husband contribute that 50% extra towards rent/bills etc while you're off work and your portion of responsibilities would correspondingly reduce by that amount. Assuming this is feasible of course.
Anyway, there are a number of different solutions so you two can work together to find something suitable for your situation that feels more fair to both of you.
Though I did periodically
Though I did periodically mention a CS review to my DW, she definately made sure that CS was paid by the SpermClan. We never needed the money. Our primary motivator was so that SS would know and we could show him that that part of his family cared enough to contribute to his support. Though they really never gave a shit other than to use SS as a control tool against my DW. Bad move on their part, but that is what their actions proved.
The first CS order was for $110/mo which was COd before SS turned 1yo after DW kicked the Spermidiot out for cheating. That lasted for just over year until SpermGrandHag tried to take custody from my then future DW when she learned that DW was dating at University. 4 days after we married and two days before SS turned 2yo we were in court defending the custody attempt. CS was raised from $110/mo to..... $133/mo. It stayed there for 9 years.
Then finally filed for a CS review with the DA. The DA revised CS to $785/mo and invoked direct payroll withholding due to patchy micro payments by the SpermClan. That held for nearly 2yrs until arrears were payed on the delay tacktics that the SpermClan played while trying to avoid the DA CS review. After that 2yrs it dropped to $385/mo. Direct payroll withholding remained in effect until SS turned 18 and aged out from under the CO.
Blood from the Biomom Turnip
My impression from your description of the BM is that she is being a useless, user, victim type that cannot even seem to spare a few moments for her kiddo that she made. To be fair, going after her for child support at this point sounds like it would be blood from a turnip (or stone), and not accomplish much. So your partner may be doing the cost-benefit analysis of going to court for child support.
HOWEVER, court would accomplish formalizing the "arrangement" and protecting you in the case that BM sees her child as a money-making endeavor whereby some other bio mother informs her of tax benefits, housing benefits, food and medical benefits as well as child support monies to be obtained. It also protects if she just wants to swoop in there for any other reason. SO its in YOUR familys best interest to go to court and file for full custody rather than keep things loose and undocumented.
Now to the financials. Draw up a budget. Look at the numbers. Ask for a budgeted amount for SD, so that your partner pays for her. If you are making equal amounts you can make it equitable. He needs to support his kiddo and not lean on you for that. So by equitable I mean you do for you and your baby and he pays for himself, his daughter and a portion of baby. To me that seems extremely fair.
Depending on where this is,
Depending on where this is, court may not be necessary for a CS mod.
Particularly if there already is a CO in place with CS, a call to the DA for a CS review and collection action can happen without going before a Judge.
That was the case for DW when she motioned for a CS review. No Judge necessary. The DA subpoenaed the financial information from both parties and invoked increased CS and direct payroll withholding with no need for a Judge. Of course the SpermClan came screaming and crying to court when Spermidiot got his first $ZERO paycheck after failed to respond to the DA subpoena for financial and other pertinant information. But, the initial revised CS order had nothing to do with court.
OP, you should file for child
OP, you should file for child support. It will hold your SO accountable and show him how easy it is to do.
Great idea.
Yep, go after a shit ton of money that SO should be collecting from the druggy BM. That puts SO on the hook to support the OP's baby for the duration and motivates SO to go after CS for his elder spawn. Get the COd CS order first so the larger cut goes to the baby just in case BM tries to flip custody once nailed with CS.
OP, you should file for child
Hope you kept your ultrasound receipts lol!!!
I call bullshit on the 'not her fault' crap so many give to
this shit woman as an excuse for being a shit woman. The same would apply if she were a man. I am a full zero tolerance position person for shit people regardless of their birth or chosen gender and pronouns.
It is her fault. Her addict mother does not force her to be POS human. That is her choice and hers alone.
As for having to move to a trailer park. So what? I have lived in trailer parks several times in my life. Comfortable homes, decent communities, and far better than the refrigerator box under the highway overpass in the homeless camp that she probably has earned living in. SD needs to be reminded that druggy mommy living in a trailer park is a huge step up from the refrigerator box options.
Now for CS, she has not paid a cent because your SO has not made that a hill to die on. Time for him to go after her for a shit pile of current CS plus arrears for nonpayment. Hopefully he actually has a long standing CO that orders CS from BM. If not, he needs to get one and get one now. Then have zero visitation included in the CO for BM abandoning any interface with SD.
I would make my fondest hobby gutting this POS and making sure that my DD knew that mommy was a POS. Worded appropriately of course.
This guy has no legal custody
This guy has no legal custody or CS order and the kid is 13.
He does have legal custody as
He does have legal custody as the child's father. It is just that the mother also has equal rights to the child. Though if it were ever to end up in front of a judge dad would most certainly retain primary custody even if mom got awarded some visitation. Years of presidence are worth something. The problem comes when BM decides one day to take sd on a trip for a few days without dad's permission as without the paperwork she is entitled to do this and forcing her to bring the child back would take a trip to court rather than just a call to the police.
Now for CS, she has not paid
EXACTLY!!!
(I get my sitch is different) but when I sued my breeder for child support idgaf whether he had it or not the itchB needed to be legally held accountable...he could bring his petty excuses to the judge and if he didn't voluntarily provide then garnished from his paycheck, retirement, tax returns or whatever check came his way ...
Just making them uncomfortable (ex when a process server shows up to their door or work to serve them papers) is a dopamine hit. Bonus points for a garnishments (for those militant parents dodging cs)!
Garnishment is the bomb!!!
The Spermidiot lost his ever loving mind when he got his first $Zero paycheck due to direct payroll withholding.
He and his mommy came screaming into court after that. They had dodged process servers, failed to provide subpoenaed documentation, etc... for months. The DA finally asked my DW to put together everything she could on the Spermidiot's financials so she went CPA on their asses. She provided his tax returns, employer information, county pay statistics for licensed plumbers recommending that they impute the mid range hourly rate income to the Spermidiot, monthly rent statistics for homes similar to the one he lived in rent free and recommended that amount be added to his monthly imputed income, etc.... So, the DA issued an order raising his CS from $133/mo to $785/mo and garnished his pay for CS from that day forward.
They contested and we did end up in court. In court they tried their usual "StepDad makes a lot of money his income should be considered in calculating CS". So DW countered with "First, by law, step parent income can not be considered in CS calculations. However, since (SpermGrandHag) pays the CS for (Spermidiot), and he lives in the (SGP's) rental property rent free, the SGPs pay CS to his two other baby mamas, and raise his three younger kids in their home with no financial contribution from the Spermidiot, we want their income added to his for CS calculation".
SpermGrandHag started screaming at that point "What difference does who pays CS or the rent make!!!!!" Then the Judge announced that she would consider our request. SpermGrandHag nearly stroked out at that point. Just those words were worth every penny we ever spent on legal actions. The impact on that Hag was classic.
I had been excluded from participation in the telephone hearing as I was not a party to the case. So when BM lost her everloving Harpy mind DW asked why she was speaking since only DW and the Spermidiot were parties to the case. The Judge avoided holding the Hag to the standard she had imputed on me to not participate. I of course did participate though quitely. I had my handset muted and was feeding DW papers, notes, etc... as she was dealing with the Judge the Spermidiot and the SpermGrandHag.
Ultimately the SGPs income was not considered which we knew it would not be. As usual the Spermidiot was awarded the maximum income reduction credit for CS calculation due to my income. SpermLand courts take the position that an NCP should not have to contribute to "an artificially elevated standard of living due to a high earning SParent". I am not sure if an income reduction credit applies for reducing CP income for CS calculation if the NCPs spouse is a high income SParent. Probably not, that would make too much sense. The max income reduction credit that can be applied is $1000/mo which only reduces the possible CS by $50/mo so it really is not particularly impactful in either direction. It only reduces annual CS by at most $600/yr.
Another vote for
Going for CS order from the cowbird BM.
STOP PAYING 1/2 the rent.
STOP PAYING 1/2 the rent. And START stashing that cash.
Your bf will have to get a 2nd job since clearly his income does not cover the bills.
Your income is supporting his child AND keeping a roof over her head.....That is your boyfriends and BM's obligation not yours.
Time for you to re-think this arrangement. Oh, and IF he brings up the rent payment, give him 1/4th of it
That covers YOUR portion. He can pay for his, his daughters and the babies.