I hate that MIL and BM are so close!!! ---long vent but please help!!!
I don't know if I'm wrong for feeling this way or making a big deal out of nothing but, I hate the fact that MIL and BM are close. BM and FH were NEVER together. The second time they had sex, she got pregnant. When she found out she was pregnant, FH and I had already started our relationship. (see first post for in depth story). Apparently, MIL had a simliar situation with FIL and felt left out when he remarried and doesnt want BM to go through the same thing. But why does she care?!?!? She's taken on the mentor role with BM because she knows BM is hurting or some other craP THAT SHE SHOULDNT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT because she's not in our family in that way!!! Yes she will always be family because she had SD2 but it makes it uncomfortable to have her always inviting BM to family functions or inviting her to go visit her in California where she lives. It's even worse when BM will plan her trip a few weeks before we do and his family is either looking at her like why are you here, or looking at me like some weird homewrecker.
His mom and I are really close, and we talk all the time, but she doesnt seem to get my point of view. She says I shouldnt feel uncomfortable and upset when she's at family functions because I'm the one he's with and he loves me and she has nothing (which is why she's so attentive to her). That doesnt change the fact that when she's around, I feel like an outsider/homewrecker and generally like I don't belong.
She takes dozens of pics with BM and sends so much love her way and IM THE DIL!!! She figures I dont need the extra attention because it will make BM feel even worse about her situation (having a child with a man who never wanted to be with you) and also because I "have it all together" and cant possibly be bothered by her being around. I just feel like when FH is done with her, the family should be too. Especially because she causes soooooo much drama (that BM likes to twist when they confront her about it). Or MIL will tell FH and I that we have to include BM because she has been so hurt by the situation and we need to make her feel loved and apart of the family. WHAT?!?! I'm ALWAYS nice to BM...even when she's an asshole and
I respect her place in our family but WTF?!? We are not bff's and never will be. Maybe MIL just doesnt get it...she's never been an SM and cant possibly see why this is so hurtful to me.
Does anyone else have this problem? BMs and SMs feel free to comment. I just ask that you be respectful 
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It sounds to me like MIL is
It sounds to me like MIL is trying to fix her own life through BM. If she can make it all roses for BM (by forcing her onto you and forcing you to accept her) then MIL's life will be fixed. MIL is projecting and using your and FH's life as a tool to do it.
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You know, FH and I were thinking the same thing--I think she's stll angry about the situation with her and FIL. But MIL says these things so much, that I feel like I'm the bad person for feeling uncomfortable with her always being around. And what you suggested about the guestlist thing is true, because she's hinted at us even inviting her to our wedding!! Thank you so much for your advice
idk...I dont think she would
idk...I dont think she would give her access to my fb. I don't think she's interested in creating more drama and I don't think she would want to hurt BMs feelings. I know MIL sometimes tells me about convos she has with BM when BM is so distraught and hurt that FH and I are together--so maybe she slips and talks to BM about us as well. I think MIL just has this idea that we should all be one big happy family and love each other...which it totally unrealistic. I don't think she's so much untrustworthy as I think she is reliving her experience with FIL--whether she knows it or not. Either way, it pretty much sucks...so I'm learning to ket the talks about accepting BM go through one ear and out the other...
Maybe MIL does this so she
Maybe MIL does this so she can see her granddaughter. SD shouldn't have to see her grandparents less because her parents aren't together.
That having been said, if MIL wants to hang out with BM on her own time, that is fine but she shouldn't invite BM to family functions unless they have to do with SD.
I wouldn't trust MIL. I later
I wouldn't trust MIL. I later found out my MIL was resentful to me before she even met me. I am 10 years younger than my DH and my MIL divorced my FIL after finding him with a much younger woman. Granted, my DH and is X were only married a year and were divorced many 4 or 5 years before I started dating her, I could tell MIL resented me. She would act like we were close, but I would find out later the names she called me behind my back and the judgments she passed.
Meanwhile, she would keep a relationship going with BM, even though she was never close with her before and she had caused drama with DH and I. My DH even told my MIL to mind her own business, and she should be loyal to him. But she would say "I'm just being nice" or feel sorry for her. Feel sorry for someone who kidnapped your grandson? Who made up lies about DH and harassed the woman he loved (me). Feel sorry for someone who was handed a trust fund and blew it all, was a beauty school drop out. But it's not her fault she's a struggling waitress and has less workfield skills than me, who's 10 years younger?
Seriously, I chalk it up as MIL being posessive of my DH (she still sent underwear to my husband who was 35 years old until I told him I'd never touch him in as long as he was wearing underwear his mom picked out for him). I think she loved having her son being single and still being able to have a grandson and not deal with any women making decisions. My DH said she never particularly liked BM or was ever close to her until I came into the picture. Reminds me of Meet the Parents when DeNiro gets called out for only becoming close to Pam's boyfriends AFTER they've broken up.
Anyway, lots of drama later, MIL and I are civil to eachother, but I do not trust her. She leaked a lot of info to BM and said many nasty things all the while "appearing" to be close to me. So watch out for your MIL. My MIL would say the same thing : You shouldn't feel this way, or You're so emotional, and it's not Her fault she doesn't have any skills.
She should care about your feelings before BM, especially since you are her son's chosen WIFE! I highly question her motives and I'm not buying her mother theresa BS act. Beside, BM simply had sex with your DH at one point in time. Knowing they weren't in a serious relationship and WOOPS, a kid happened to come out of it. Is she going track down all the skanks your DH has screwed in the past or gotten BJs from and feel sorry for them because he didn't marry them? I think MIL should just make sure her grandkid is OK. BM can get support from her friends and family. Like you said, nothing wrong with being civil. I think that's great. But this "friendship" seems motivated and inappropriate.
Sorry you're dealing with this and good luck.
Omg...that's so horrible what
Omg...that's so horrible what your MIL did!! I can only hope mine isn't secretly hating my guts, because FH ADORES his mom and really values her opinions. And I definately think BMs own family and friends need 2 support her. FH has told MIL this before and she thinks that FH is making drama where there is none by putting negative energy on the situation. She thinks that if we act like we're all friends, then we will all be friends...and neither FH nor I want to intergrate our families with BMs to that extent. I think MIL is trying to make us do what she wanted FIL and his family to do for her.
If my wife and I divorced my
If my wife and I divorced my Mother would remain good friends with my wife and my parents would still be my SS's grandparents. As uncomfortable as I may be with this it would be a part of the rest of my life.
I do not think my parents would include her in family gatherings though. I would tell my Mom that if she was there I would not be so it would be Mom's choice. I would stick to my guns on that point.
Though in your situation there was not much of a relationship between your DH and BM it is obvious that your MIL feels a connection with BM.
If you are not comfortable with BM at family functions tell MIL it is either BM or you and your DH and that you are not comfortable at family gatherings where BM is present. Stick to your guns. I would also tell MIL that you have absolutely no interest in hearing about BM and will not stay for any of those discussions. Put the onus on MIL and hold her accountable by leaving if she violates your request.
Good luck and best regards.
"she shouldn't feel left
"she shouldn't feel left out"????
They are crazy! BM has nothing to do with FH! She is connected to the child--not FH, not his family, not you etc.
My MIL does send BM a Mothers Day card and Xmas card (most years). My DH and BM dated, were never married. I don't mind a card here in there....or a phone call here and there. But this is completely out of line, IMO.