What is the cut off age...
Well SD20 is on spring break this week from college. She decided that she wanted to go to North Carolina to go snow boarding with friends. Well DH told her she had no business in going and besides her truck was giving her problems and she didnt need to drive it. It has been messed up for months but SD can not stop long enough from her social schedule to have the truck fixed.
Well she goes to NC. Well Tuesday she calls my DH to tell him that the truck blew up and she is stranded in Knoxville at some store. Well the store owner told her the truck needed to be moved by today or it would be towed. SD did not tell DH this until last night at 6:00 p.m. and we live 3-4 hours away. So my DH has to get ready, hook up a trailer and leave for Knoxville last night. He gets home at 2 in the morning this morning with her vehilce. But no SD, she had friends from nearby come and get her and bring her home to avoid DH.
DH said she would never answer her telephone but would only text him.
So she is now at my house today and DH informs me that she is in a sling from a snow boarding accident.
So now she is depending on daddy to buy her another car (2nd) and great MORE MEDICAL expenses. She is in her 2nd year of college hasnt worked since Jan. 2008 and is living the life and still expects us to pay for all of her expenses. When is an appropriate age to cut her off. Isnt it time she learnt responsibility? Gee DH wake up!!
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I agree with Vick
Once I got a job at 16, my parents didn't buy me/pay for anything except the basics (roof over my head, food, etc.) I bought my own first car with no help (of course, I had to wait til 18 before I had saved enough money to do so) and if my parents told me not to go somewhere, like you said your DH told your SD about this trip, I listened to them. Know why? Because if I knew that if something happened to me like it did to your SD, my parents weren't coming at 2am to bail me out. Your SD needs tough love NOW. No more paying for things, no more bailing her out of stupid things that she was told was a bad idea in the first place. Make her get a job and pay for things herself so that maybe she'll begin to appreciate the life she's had thus far. She's 20 years old, it's time for a reality check.
I'm going to go out on a limb here
If I bought my 8 yr old a toy that they promptly neglected, smashed or irresponsibly lost, guess what? They wouldn't get another one until grandma, grandpa, or someone gave them birthday money and they could by it themselves. I don't why a 20 yr old should receive anything other than that.
I actually have to laugh, I did something very similar when I was a teen, I beat the crap out of the car my parents generously bought me, I smashed it, I drove it for thousands of miles beyond getting the oil changed, stupid crap like that. Anytime my dad said anything "oh I came out of the store and it was just like that" umm, yeah right.
I even took the poor beat up truck on a road trip to New Orleans and lied about what car we went in, so my parents wouldn't flip out. It was entirely possibly it could have broken down en route, and I probably would have had to make "the call of shame," just like your SD did. But HEAVEN help me if my dad showed up to bail my ass out and I wasn't THERE, and WORSE, refused to take his calls! Oh HELL no.
My parents would have told me to move home and save money to fix/buy myself a new car before they'd fork out money after I did something so irresponsible and basically spit in their faces when they tried to help. I think your princess should be on her own! If dad has to pay for college and board, that should be it. What? Princess can't get there without a car? Oh well, guess she'll just have to take a semester off and WORK to get some money to buy one, or maybe BM will help out...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Well...
My parents cut me off at 18. If I am in dire need of money, they will help. They also made me get a job the second I graduated highschool. So I'd say cut her off NOW. Before she becomes far too dependent. There are a lot of college students who go to school and work part time/full time jobs. If she has to buy her own car, she will take much better care of it knowing how hard she had to work to get it. And if she says she can't get to work because she doesn't have a car, get her a bike from a pawn shop.
No job
No fun. That is natural law. She should have a part time job during school and a full time job in the summer. PERIOD
18 years
for SD. My H and I agreed that 18 years is it. We pay way more for SD than for our other son. Our son(s) will recieve more after 18 but they suffer now becuz of the CS situation. Some may not agree with that but that is what we decided.
In our house it's 21
We are still making up for the years we spent paying CS to BM. We paid her WAY more than she (more like her mommy & daddy) pays us. We buy everything for the SDs at Wal-Mart on sale. We only give them stuff for birthdays, valentine's day, Christmas, and special occasions (i.e graduation) We have a household rule that at 16, they need to get part-time jobs and save 1/3 of their earnings in bank accounts. Once they asked why they don't get to go to the mall as much as their friends. We told them that money does not grow on trees and they need to start saving up their weekly allowances.
If your SD asks anything to that effect when she's older, you should show her the paperwork where she'll see that you have been paying BM THOUSANDS of $$$$ in CS for her (SD) and that DH loves her equally but this is, unfortunately, the reality of her situation and that the purpose of CS is not only to help pay for the child's current needs, but to budget it so money from the CS can be saved for their future needs as well. As for right now, try to encourage her to find a place to put her own $$ and save it, but with BM as CP, that might be hard for her
You got it exactly right with this comment IMHO.
Anon,
"CS is not only to help pay for the child's current needs, but to budget it so money from the CS can be saved for their future needs as well"
Way too many people come to rely on CS for their daily ability to pay their bills and their lifestyle.
My own I-Ls had a similar problem though not with CS. My Wife's Bio-Dad was killed in a car wreck while in the active duty military when my M-I-L was 2mos pregnant with my wife. My M-I-L remarried when my wife was a few months old. For 18yrs they received a significant amount of money from the VA for the support of my Wife. The total they received over the years was somewhere between $100K and $200K. When my Wife left home to attend college the money went with her. My I-Ls have been in financial dire straights ever since.
Instead of saving any of the money which would have allowed them to put my wife and her three sibs through college they used it as mad money and to live a life style they could not provide on their own incomes.
They are truly good people but have a very difficult time making sound decisions regarding money. They live a life of instant gratification but have no resources to gratify themselves with. Instead of purchasing quality goods that will last (in limited quantities that they can afford) they buy crap that won't last then whine and complain about how cheap and unreliable the crap they buy is.
Caveat Emptor (Buyer beware) is a concept that they just refuse to grasp.
Your comment is bang on. CS money should HELP cover current costs and also be saved for future investment in the child (college, down payment on a house, etc ......). That money is the child's money not the CP's money.
IHMO.
Best regards,
I wish
all CP felt this way!!
I completely agree.
To me the cut off age is
16! when they can legally work. I almost said 18 because I was going to say when they have to choose to continue schooling. I screwed up but I always worked after 16 and was forced to pay my own repairs to beater cars I was given.
And - when my parents said I was not allowed to go on the trip, and they did - I didn't go! I always knew which way my bread was buttered ;)!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
That depends on the support judgement.
Most cut off at age 18 or high school graduation whichever is later. Some counties require CS to continue until in t0 the 20s (21-23 is the most common ranges I have seen) if the kid is a full time college student maintaining a C average.
I am not aware of any judgement that requires parents to provide a car, car repairs or to fund ski trips for college age kids.
If there is a CS judgement in effect I would cut her off for all but the mandated CS. If there is no CS judgement I would cut her off now and let her enjoy living under an overpass for a few weeks until she pulls her head out of her ass.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Yup
most skids have to learn the hard way. Sad but true.