Tone Up Tuesday

Stayed the same weight this week, that's ok I guess. But I've been struggling with my emotions regarding my weight lately :/

The main emotion I've been having towards myself recently is anger for "letting myself go" so badly, for letting myself get quite so big.

The weather is getting warmer. We will inevitably have invites from older friends (we have no current friends in the area we live, this would be invites to events from older friends on FB from further away) to summer reunion BBQs or whatever, which I *will* turn down as I don't want anyone to see how big I've gotten. This only serves to remind me that this the ***second summer in a row*** I've done this.

Quite apart from older friends seeing the size I've gotten, I will, generally in every day life, have to shed layers of sweaters etc with the warmer weather and not have anything to hide my size under.

Also.. DH is *so* very, very handsome (no it's not just me who thinks so; he's genuinely gorgeous) ..and I personally feel that it's somewhat embarrassing when I introduce him to new people, like I did earlier this week when we met someone.

I feel like people are thinking "Wtf, how on earth did you land a good lookin guy like that!" Just because I'm so pudgy and not attractive right now.

I think we all know, that *inner confidence* shines through whatever is on the surface. I don't have that right now. I'm pudgy and I feel it inside too. That inner confidence within myself is kind of non existent right now :/

Ok.. I am going to tell you guys about an incident that I've never shared with *anyone* else. Not even my best friend or my mom. Ok.. Phew.. Breathe. I'm so embarresed about this I've never said anything to anyone.. Breathe..

This was even *before* I gained all this weight (was quite slim at the time) and had a reunion with very old friends. I was speaking to an old acquaintance who I vaguely remembered, but didn't ever know that well.

We were chatting politely as you do with people you don't know that well, and we mentioned the guys we were seeing. I mentioned I'd met someone and she asked if I had any photos of him.. I showed her one.

And she said "Omigod Sunny! He's *gorgeous!* How the *F* do you always end up with all the good lookin guys, are you just really awesome in bed or something?! LOL"

I was kinda grossed out by her comment and found her quite crude (as I instantly remembered I always had done, only once I'd shown her the photo) but let it go quickly as we'd been vague friends a few years before, while I was with my ex..

I can't actually remember if she was close friends with my ex but whatever.. He was *also* a ridiculously good looking guy, hence her crude joke.

At the time, despite her horrid joke, (I personally don't enjoy humour like that, but I was biding my time with her at the reunion and being polite) I laughed with her, and even went so far as to feel slightly proud to be with DH as he's so good looking.. but later I started feeling a bit.. I don't even know what the word is.

Like.. The only reason I could "get" a guy that was so good looking was that I was good in bed?!! Wtf?!!

Her comment stayed with me. Even now, several heats later, it plays on my mind. Like I'm not good looking enough *myself* to have a good looking guy in my life.

I've always felt a bit like I'm not *on the same level* as DH (or for that matter, all of my exes, who have all been *very* good looking btw)

I would say I'm kinda pretty.. but not gorgeous. Especially with this extra weight round my face, I am feeling a bit down about myself this week. I don't know what else to say *sigh* Just being honest I guess.

Sorry for a "woe is me" post but it's just what was on my mind. I really hope everyone else is doing good :/ x

sunny_skies's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Her comment reflects on her

Her comment reflects on her jealousy and insecurity, not your looks. Step back and think about if I was telling you this story. You would see a shallow woman that is envious and belittling the other. Think about it. Btw, if anyone ever says crap like that again, tell them, yeah, that's right and smile, smile and smile.

Thankyou Robin x I've never

Thankyou Robin x I've never thought about it from the point of view of a friend telling me that story. I would tell her the same. I guess as I've never told anyone about it, I never got another opinion, but you're right. Maybe she was jealous or whatever. I just took it as I wasn't good enough for DH :/

You're also right about smiling, I do tend to sparkle when I smile lol! I guess everyone does That just a reminded me of a time a few years ago, I'd put on weight again (I've fluctuated my whole life) and was feeling a bit insecure about myself at the time, just like now.

A friend introduced me to *her* friend, a much older gentleman than either of us, who was so *very* lovely, interesting and pleasant to speak to. As we were saying goodbye that evening, he took my hand and said "Sunny it's been an absolute pleasure to meet you, *friend* has told me so much about you, and how lovely you were, but I had no idea I'd meet someone who lit up a room quite so beautifully with a smile"

I just squeezed his hand back and said "Thankyou it was lovely to meet you too" but I could've cried right then and there, lol! He was so lovely, not creepy or sleazy or anything, just a genuine compliment that he didn't have to give. He must have meant it, but.. have you noticed that it's harder to keep remembering *nice* things people say to you?

So silly. I'd forgotten that ever happened. Now whenever I think of what that girl said to me at the reunion, I'll cancel it out by thinking about what that lovely gentleman said to me instead. Thankyou so much Robin, you just telling me to smile has helped with my thought process on this xxx

I got called voluptuous this

I got called voluptuous this week. ): and my clothes are getting tight again. I fell off the wagon and cheated on Easter. Had too many cookies and some mac and cheese. Monday and today though I've been very good. I'm so addicted to sugar though. Gosh its hard. The headaches and cravings at night. Tomorrow will be Day 3 again. Probably the third Day 3 in the past few weeks. I'd make it three days and then cheat and fall off the wagon. Make it three more days. Cheat. I will make it through this sugar addiction this time!

Wooo! Voluptuous, omigosh

Wooo! Voluptuous, omigosh that's such a beautiful word. And a beautiful thing to behold too! I'm sure you're a perfect picture of curvy gorgeousness! I hope hearing that made you feel beautiful too Btw.. Mac and cheese, omigosh, love it ;P

I have a friend who passed

I have a friend who passed away recently. She was slightly overweight, nothing too obnoxious, but she thought she was the fattest thing in the world.

She didn't take any photographs-and so when her children, who are teenagers, were trying to put together those photo boards? Well, they didn't have any pictures of their mother.

It was beyond tragic. Those kids will have no memories, at least no photographic memories, of their mother.

I, myself, am sporting some extra weight these days and I run from the camera. But I have allowed myself to be photographed recently, because I think of my friend and her children. I don't want that for my children.

Please, take photographs. Nobody gives a shit about how you look, nobody. They love you because you are you.

WOB, how tragic I've blogged

WOB, how tragic I've blogged a few times before about hiding my weight from the camera. I have hardly *any* photos of myself with DD2.5. It's heartbreaking. I'm trying my best to get some photos now I've realised, but it's really, really, really hard.

Thankyou anotherstep.. How

Thankyou anotherstep.. How exciting, to be called "magnetic, with an *it* quality" lol! made me feel extra special Thankyou x

Also, thanks for putting some perspective on meeting up with old friends. I quite simply am embarresed about myself. Thing is, at one of the older reunions we had, there was a girl there who I thought "ooomigosh. wow. you put on weight"

I don't suppose it was the end of the world for either her or me to have realised and acknowledged that.. But I still noticed, and that's quite frankly embarrassing to me that some wine might think that about me. I know it's not a big deal, but I don't want people to think like that about me :/

Ah, went to the gym Sat and

Ah, went to the gym Sat and Sunday and of course, no weight movement.

Since then I've had a lovely Easter interaction with SD-30 who was released from jail on Friday, and I'm glad she chose not to Molotov cocktail my car. B*S* with the S-grandkids and their crappy parents. Chat with CPS and then my typical reactions to this style of stress ... chips and wine.

So, I'm exercising. {hard-core 3-4x/week, one hour class --- last week was less since I played the Blizzard Card.) Trying not to have a flippin' heart attack. AND .... not changing my eating habits. YET. Figure I'll get myself used to exercising and sorta ease into the eating habit thing. The wine thing would make the biggest move, but I'm not ready to let go of that crutch yet.

Regarding your acquaintance preying on your insecurities? Yeah, she's petty and jealous. Remember that you never see yourself through the eyes of your beloved. They see the "whole" you. Inner beauty and outer beauty.

Do many of us have self-doubts about our bodies, our weight and how we look? Of course. Add age into the equation and you will be facing this dragon for the rest of your life. I am self-body-shamed, so I decided that instead of wearing the baggy clothes, I'd try the more snug tops that I see other plump women wear.

I do NOT look good in these. Mature 38DDD with an apple and love-handles and folds on display. FFS!!

Sunny, you did brilliantly this week. Seriously, who cares if you dropped a pound? You are on a journey. I'm on a journey. Part of that journey is looking within ... why am I carrying this crappola around? Am I insulating myself from something? Why does one extra large Panera bagel affect my diet? Whatever. You took a peek at a favorite fear and you posted about it. Good for you.

Indigo you are doing SO

Indigo you are doing SO GREAT!

But.. Oh wow. I hope SD 30 won't cause you too much trouble now she's out :O

Inner and outer beauty.. Hmm.

Inner beauty? I am a *spectacular* phoenix, with so many different coloured flower petals flowing, a sunset in the background and beautiful music playing. lol! I am a very giving, loving and generous person with my time, love and effort to make my friends happy. I know my personality is awesome.

Outer beauty? Hmm. I like my long eyelashes, and I have kinda big almond shaped eyes with cupid bow lips. I am also a "pear" or "hourglass" shape, so whatever weight I am, I still always have a waist to speak of, lol! I'd probably go so far as to say I'm kinda pretty. I think it's just this weight round my face and chin that's making me feel blah about it. (hence the friggin neck scarves to cover my multiple chins) Siiiiiiigh.

Btw, I love that you said I took a peek at a favourite fear. It absolutely is one of my regular fears to look back on. You're very wise x I'd never thought of it like that. Not a 'favourite' fear as such, just.. A more frequently revisited fear/bad memory in my mind lol! Thankyou, it helped getting it out there x

When you write about your

When you write about your struggles, I hear myself talking. I'm in the same situation. I look in the mirror and don't know how I got here. The difference though is that I'm single and "dating" although my feelings about my weight really limit my dating confidence. For example, I won't return a message online from someone who is too good looking. I don't want the rejection. I don't think I could handle the rejection. So I feel your pain Sunny, but what I can tell you... what I know... is that you have an amazing personality and I also suspect you are harder on your looks than others might be. Stay strong Sunny!

Thankyou DPW x I think you

Thankyou DPW x I think you are a very sweet, loving and wonderful person. That comes through with every single comment you write x Anyone would be lucky to have you as a partner, regardless of how good looking they are, don't feel scared about messaging those good looking people back! x But I totally get what you mean about an attractive partner, kind of intimidating at times. I wish I could just relax with it. Insecurity sucks. (((hugs))) x

I think you would be

I think you would be surprised how other people see things. People are often not as shallow as we think. My BF is good looking, tall, slim, a firefighter. I feel like a short, fat ugly thing next to him...well I did to start. When we started dating he was fresh out of divorce. We dated a month, he got cold feet as it was "too soon" went chatting up girls at bars with his friends...whatever, a month later he was back begging forgiveness.

I only recently met his friends...at 10 months dating...I know some of the girls he "chatted up" some were beautiful, but all of his friends were thrilled to meet me. Why? Because I make him smile, they see our interaction, they know we are right. So, they all mocked him for almost losing me because he might not be ready. My confidence grew, and that only makes people seem to like me more.

Think about it, when you first meet someone it is often a looks thing, but it is more - the cheeky smile, glint in their eyes. When you meet someone and discover they are not a nice person...have you noticed how they become ugly on the outside too?

Hold your head up high, be proud of yourself, and let your inner beauty shine!

Cheeky smile.

Cheeky smile. Drop-your-drawers, secret cheeky smile.

That is a great story Thanks

That is a great story Thanks for sharing x

You are so right about inside/outside beauty. When I first met BM, I was BLOWN AWAY by how *beautiful* she was. Seriously she is gorgeous. The more I learnt about her, and got to know her *psychotic* .. *selfish* .. and quite frankly *disgusting* behaviour, she just looked more and more like an ugly troll under a bridge, blergh. Gross. I still don't know how the *F* DH put up with her for so long, and he cringes at the thought he did. But it is what it is.

When she smiles, she *looks* real pretty. But people who *truly* know her, realise she doesn't sparkle when she smiles. Me? When I smile, I sparkle. It comes from the inside out ^_^ ..just need to work on how I look on the outside now, to make me feel better about myself then when I smile it'll be even sparklier LOL is that a word?! x

I think you would be

Hold your head up high, be proud of yourself, and let your inner beauty shine!

The main emotion I've been

The main emotion I've been having towards myself recently is anger for "letting myself go" so badly, for letting myself get quite so big.

I had been feeling this for quite some time (and am still kind of mad at myself) but at the beginning of the year, I just decided to do something about it. I wanted to have enough time to lose a decent amount before summer, when I couldn't hide underneath sweaters.

I don't weigh myself (just my food) but I am losing (down a size and half, so far) and I'm getting rid of any jeans that are too big and will keep doing so, so that I have nothing to grow back into.

It's hard sometimes, to get past that self loathing and anger but I finally just told myself, "I did it, I let myself go, nothing to do now but make some changes." Or, I could keep being miserable and maybe get bigger.

I am not where I want to be but I feel and look so much better than I did.

Just keep at it, Sunny, you can do this.

Thankyou hereiam, I'm

Thankyou hereiam, I'm relieved to know I'm not alone with my feelings of anger towards myself. You are doing so, so wonderfully well! Thankyou for your support x

Thankyou so much Soccermom, I

Thankyou so much Soccermom, I almost blushed when you said I was a stunning woman lol I also have had thyroid issues my whole life, been on meds for about 10years. It certainly doesn't make things easier with weight loss :/ I do know I need to get my exercise levels up, but am not sure how to do so with a grumpy toddler shouting at me whenever I try to do a workout DVD :/

Comments

Her comment reflects on her

Thankyou Robin x I've never

I got called voluptuous this

Wooo! Voluptuous, omigosh

I have a friend who passed

WOB, how tragic I've blogged

Thankyou anotherstep.. How

Ah, went to the gym Sat and

Indigo you are doing SO

When you write about your

Thankyou DPW x I think you

I think you would be

Cheeky smile.

That is a great story Thanks

I think you would be

The main emotion I've been

Thankyou hereiam, I'm

Thankyou so much Soccermom, I

I think ALL you ladies are

Robin, Anotherstep, I

Lol Jasper x Thankyou Wow

You are here

Tone Up Tuesday

Comments