My son messed up big time
******i need to clarify the comments we made. It was stuff like after they were outside that they stunk and we need to febreeze the house. It was said with humor and not to be mean. We were going on an adults only vacation and we had to wait for the stepkids to go home so we were doing a count down clock to when we could leave and ds told them we count down the minutes till they leave and that we have to febreeze the house after they leave because they stink. If I was ever cruel or mean about my stepkids I doubt dh would tolerate that.********
What do you do when your bio messes up? Dh and I have been married 14 years and have a 12 yr old son. Dh is divorced with a 15 Boy, 16 girl and 17 yr old Boy. He used to see his kids every other weekend and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday on the weeks he didn't have them on the weekend.
I'm sure those of you with 3 stepkids know how hard and how draining they can be. Dh and I would count down till they left on Sundays so we could have "us" time and get our house back. Dh and I talked freely in front of ds never thinking he would open his mouth. 4 months ago ds got tired of his brothers excluding him and he wanted to hurt them the way he was hurt so he lashed out and told them everything dh and I have said about them. Everything. My stepkids left and they haven't been back. They refuse all phone calls from me and dh. Dh has a broken heart and he is furious with ds. I sent ds to my sisters for the summer to give him and dh some space and time to heal. Ds has been back a week and dh will barely look at him. Ds knows he messed up and he is really sorry and I know he will never do anything like this again. Dh refuses to look at him and he barely speaks to him. Dh tells me that ds cost him his children and he doesn't know if he will ever forgive him. This is causing dh and I to fight. I'm going to put ds in therapy and I've asked dh to go but he is refusing. Are there any words of wisdom here that may help me?
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DS is a 12 year old boy. He
DS is a 12 year old boy. He does need to have consequences for what he did and you AND DH need to talk to him about it.
...BUT your DH needs to take responsibility for bad mouthing his own children. I don't know why either of you would talk that way in front of your DS. Why would you think he wouldn't even accidentally let something slip. It's wildly inappropriate to except a CHILD to keep secrets like that.
YOU and DH ruined his relationship with his other children.
The comments we made were not
The comments we made were not meant for my stepkids to hear and if they had they would have sounded different. I told dh his kids stunk after one visit. They had been outside and I was laughing and telling him we have to frebreeze the house. Ds told the stepkids that we think they stink and we have to spray febreeze after they leave. We weren't saying ugly things about my stepkids.
You (and your DH) can
You (and your DH) can continue to justify your actions and blame your 12yr old son, or you can look in the mirror and realize you weren't behaving like you should have in front of an impressionable child.
Are you kidding? You and
Are you kidding? You and your DH are totally irreponsible with your words and you expect your DS to be responsible, and when he's not, it's DS's fault that DH's kids are angry with DH and that you and DH are fighting?
Wow. Boundaries and personal accountability would not go amiss here.... and it's not DS who has a lesson to learn.
Can't say that I blame those
Can't say that I blame those kids.
ETA: I have to wonder though... is this another cautionary tale to SMs? Don't ever say anything bad about skids lest it get back to them someday...
Yes, I have a feeling that's
Yes, I have a feeling that's what this is. Every parent knows that kids have ears that hear everything you don't want them to - and whatever you say in front of a child is likely to be repeated back later at the most awkward possible moment. You learn that way before your child reaches the age of 12. The premise is insane, or they are just really stupid.
Yes, I would have to say this
Yes, I would have to say this is a cautionary tale. I never expected ds to say what he did and twist our words.
Ha Ha... then Daizy posts her
Ha Ha... then Daizy posts her blog... LOL! We know Daizy is real though
Why on Earth would you and
Why on Earth would you and your husband talk about his kids in front of your 12 year old son?
Your son did not cost your husband his kids, he did that himself.
You're going to put your son in therapy? Okay. I guess he's going to need it, since the two adults who are responsible for this, are blaming him. Poor kid.
but DS is DH's own kid, just
but DS is DH's own kid, just different mother....
Your DH is wrong, I'm sorry I will tell DH - this is why BS told his siblings what we've been saying, cause you treat them way better then what you are treating him, he does not get it cause he's your blood child as well.
Yes kid was wrong but FFS he's 12 years old, he's not stupid, he had chores and rules at home and his own father gave his siblings a free pass... naturally he will try and do something about it, the only way he knows how..
Tell DH to suck it up and mend his relationship with his son,
Your fault. You never discuss
Your fault. You never discuss adult matters infront of children.
You and DH need to take good hard looks at yourself. Clearly whatever you said was pretty big. If there were issues they should have been discussed with the children privately instead of with their brother. You set up an us versus them mentality.
i need to clarify the
i need to clarify the comments we made. It was stuff like after they were outside that they stunk and we need to febreeze the house. It was said with humor and not to be mean. We were going on an adults only vacation and we had to wait for the stepkids to go home so we were doing a count down clock to when we could leave and ds told them we count down the minutes till they leave. If I was ever cruel or mean about my stepkids I doubt dh would tolerate that.
I agree with the others about
I agree with the others about how you guys shouldn't have said that stuff in front of BS
BUT, your husband is being a jackass by treating BS like this. He is his biological child as well, and treating him like this and saying he cost him "his kids" is going to build big resentment in the kid to his own father and DH won't have any kids that talk to him in a few years. Your DH is an adult and parent to this child and he needs to act like one.
It is ridiculous that his
It is ridiculous that his kids aren't willing to even listen to your DH's side of the story.
It seems that it should be possible explain that what was told to them was exaggeration and taken out of context. They should know by all of his and your actions that they are loved and a welcome part of the household. If they have shut down so completely, there really must have been other stuff going on.
I am guessing that you both now realize how hurtful those comments you were making could have been to his children. The certainly don't want or deserve to feel like they are burdens to their parent.
Now, I understand how sometimes people joke about stuff, but generally, a kidding like this is only funny if everyone involved is aware of it.
For example, my OSD was on a road trip with us and took off her shoes and filled the car with a stench that was so bad her dad pulled over and made her rinse her feet in a mud puddle. That has become a bit of a family joke with her.. but it's all said in good humor with her included. In fact, she comes back with the "abuse" her dad perpetrated by making her use puddle water to wash her feet. So everyone is aware.. everyone laughs..haha. kidding a joke.
Your stepkids aren't "in" on your jokes. If you would have been openly joking with them about how you couldn't wait for some "adult time" or made the febreeze into a funny thing with them.. they wouldn't feel so hurt.
Basically you and your DH did junior high gossip and your little boy blabbed.
I think you need to change
I think you need to change the title of your blog to "DH and I messed up big time" Why were you speaking about skids in a negative way in front of your son? THAT is the only thing that is inappropriate here.
You may not have had the
You may not have had the intent to give off the impression you were speaking negatively about the skids... YOU know you were kidding around, your DH knows you were kidding around... but if you take the actual words, they could definitely be taken negatively.
Your son told on you to hurt them just as he had felt hurt from being excluded. I'm sure he didn't realize the consequences... but maybe he could also be a part of the solution... maybe HE could tell his half brothers that he was trying to hurt them by saying these things. It might be humbling for your son.
Treat conversations about skids like professional communications... don't say anything in front of a 3rd party that you wouldn't want to get back to the skid.
And DH refusing to
And DH refusing to acknowledge his own culpability cost him ALL his kids. Way to go, FOTY!
You and DH need to stop blaming DS for repeating things said in public, and start taking responsibility. I find it difficult to believe that one single angry vent from their brother was enough to make the other kids completely shut down on their dad. There has to be something else going on. Because honestly SD12 and SS10 have both, at different times, come to DH and/or I and asked us about something one of us said that sounded horrible out of context. And when we explained the context and apologized for the feelings being unintentionally hurt, everything was fine.
We were dropping ds with dh's
We were dropping ds with dh's mom on the way out of town. I do consider our home to be ds's home as he lives here full time. I think of the stepkids as family but I've never much considered if this was their home or not. The stepkids were pissed and bm found a crack she could stick her fingers in and peel away their relationship with us. She is egging them on to ignore us and cut us off. Bm would never help us and bs wrote each stepkid an apology letter stating that he was hurt and wanted to hurt them and that he was sorry. Dh included a letter explaining how things were said but they won't hear it. Bm has told them since ds was born that he is the replacement baby for them.
"Bm has told them since ds
"Bm has told them since ds was born that he is the replacement baby for them."
You and your husband just confirmed that what she has been saying is true.
DH is being extremely
DH is being extremely immature. He is just going to disown his own son because he screwed up? So, what.... you get to raise him alone because he made a mistake? Who is the adult there? I get that was DS did was wrong and it has caused issues with the stepkids, but he is A KID... he is allowed to make mistake, even big ones.
DH needs help.
You punished your son because
You punished your son because you and DH have no verbal discretion? The blame belongs to you and your DH.
This is not just about WHAT
This is not just about WHAT was said. Joking or not, you were talking about the kids behind their backs, but including your son in on the "joke". He wanted to make them feel excluded and he did that, because you and your husband gave him the ammunition.
What he did was wrong but he is 12 years old and to be ignored by his father, not even looked at, is just plain wrong. Is that how he acts when any of his kids mess up? Truly awful parenting and I think I see who could really use some counseling.
You mention two things you were joking about but then you say your son told them EVERYTHING, so I'm wondering what else you have said about them, in front of your son.
I feel for you, and this is
I feel for you, and this is most definitely a cautionary tale. My DS 16 (with my DH) and I have spoken openly about how my DH has always treated the 2 SSs (his half brothers) differently, how the rules don't apply to them & DH is held hostage living in fear that if he doesn't treat SSs like that, they won't want to visit DH (oldest SS was PAS'd & refused to visit for most of his teenage years.) I suppose this is a bit different because my DS is not stupid and can see how things are, and I've only confirmed his impressions are true, but, as in your situation, he could easily betray me if he wanted. Having been a SM for 18 years, I wouldn't be surprised (or blame you) if what you sad about SKs was not just in jest, but if you say so, I believe you. My biggest concern if I were you would be my DS. I'd be afraid of the effect of being shunned by his father & sent away by his mother would have on him. At age 12, he was too immature to see the repercussions of what he did. I think he needs and deserves your love, support & apology.