Skids apparently have a right to drive my car

Today, BM sends DH an email via OFW.

"You told me you would teach the boys how to drive. They are now telling me that your wife is refusing to allow it. They have just started drivers ed and the school says they need to get as much practice as possible. Please confirm with me that this is true."

DH did not say he would teach them how to drive, he agreed to pay for part of drivers ed, so yes, we know they are taking drivers ed. BM is not letting them drive her car, she bought them a car to learn on. Is BM going to pay to repair my car or DH's car if one of my idiot Skids drives it into a ditch? They are with us four days a month, I doubt not driving for those four days will hinder their progress. One skid couldn't even keep track of the shirt he brought with him this weekend and I'm supposed to trust him with my car? Last time I checked, no one had a "right" to their parents teaching them how to drive. Finally, my skids can eat sh$t, can we just have one weekend where they don't go home and tell BM we're terrible?

I told DH that he better not respond to her!

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Oh, he should absolutely respond. IMHO

"What is true is that the boys have a car to drive. It is at your home. The CS I pay you to care for them helped pay for that car. They are with you 26 days a month and with me 4 days a month. I have paid for half of driver's education. I have facilitated their learning to drive at least as much as you have. Time to be a parent and quit trying to pawn off your parental failures on me. Never speak of this to me again. Your parental failures are not my problem and I will not be your rescue ranger when you fail as their parent. To ensure that I and the boys are getting my money's worth, I want you to send me a weekly driving log for the boys where you have taken them driving. Basic math says that you have them 87% of the time with far more than enough time to take them driving. Parent up dumb ass! "

Lather............. rinse................... repeat.

What I would do in addition is take them go-kart racing once a month when they are visiting their dad. Driving does not have to be in a car on the roads. My kid and I raced go-karts together in a league for a few years when he was a pre-teen. He could drive very well by the time he was old enough to drive. When we would go on camping trips he would do much of the driving when we were on 4X4 trails. All he needed by the time he was "learning to drive", was the drivers ed classes to teach him the driving laws and give him supervised drive time that was low stress unlike it often is when a parents is teaching a kid to drive.

My SDs would learn to drive

My SDs would learn to drive in my car when the sun rises in the west. I liked what Rags wrote as a possible response, but personally I would ignore, ignore, ignore the stupid cow.

Firstly the wife (op) is not responsible for teaching skids

To drive yet alone in her car!!

then follow through with facts. If your husband agreed to teach them, he teaches them when available.

since bio mum is high conflict it seems, Parralel parenting is what works

I like what Rags said. I

I like what Rags said. I would tell her that you guys would be happy to have the boys drive at your house, just make sure that they have their car here next time and DH can take them out.

No car= No driving at dad's.

So I'm going to start by

So I'm going to start by saying I 100% understand your frustration because I had similar frustrations with ET. She'd bring the boys over on weekends and OSS would have done exactly zero driving. Granted, the pandemic pushed back when he could take his driving test, but OSS had his permit for nearly 2 years and 95% of his driving hours were with DH.

The reality, though, was that ET wasn't going to teach him or faciltate learning in any way. DH had to purchase driver's ed. DH had to take him to take the test. DH had to take him out driving for his 50 required hours. DH had to drive him 3 hours away to take his test (thanks pandemic). While ET SHOULD have been helping in some way, she wasn't going to, and OSS needed the skill, and a parent was the only financially viable option since none of the driver's ed courses around here offered more than 6 hours of drive time and each hour over that was pricey. We live in an area where OSS not driving would be problematic because there is zero public transport. So we bit the bullet because my goal in life is for the boys to launch and not be dependent on DH.

Should they drive your car? Absolutely not. Should you have to teach them? Absolutely not. This is a problem your DH needs to solve. He could figure out what 20% of the drive hours are and let them drive his car for that many. Or he could purchase time with an instructor for that long. Or buy a $500-1000 car that he teaches them in and sells as soon as he's done. I also think his kids are old enough that he can sit them down and tell them, in no uncertain terms, that if they continue to whine about him to their mom that he'll do exactly what he's accused of doing, which is nothing, and they can sit and stares at walls for the weekend.

Your DH just needs to decide what is important to him and follow that path no matter what BM says. It's the only way I've personally managed ET's idiocy. What she thinks is important has no bearing on what I do because my goal is for the kids to be out of my house by the time they're 22. There are a multitude of ways that can happen, and I facilitate the ways I'm comfortable with. To hell with what ET, and sometimes DH, want.

I agree here.. absolutely

I agree here.. absolutely they do not have the right to drive her car. BUT... I do think that it would be reasonable for dad to give them some opportunities to practice with HIM in HIS car. So, he can respond that he intends to give them practice time with him.. but that since they are with HER more during the month and actually have a car purchased for this purpose that he expects that they will have ample opportunity there too.

Nope! Not your problem. SK

Nope! Not your problem. SK should not be added as a driver on YOUR insurance on YOUR car. Therefore, no driving at your house.

I have already decided how I will handle this when SD11 is older. I hold the car insurance policy for my husband and I. We have it "bundled" with our homeowners. If DH wants to carry insurance for SD, then HE needs to get a separate policy. I will not pay more and have my premiums go up because of SD. Also, if she isn't taking ADHD medication, then she is more prone to accidents. Not happening on my dime. Period.

If they did not bring the car

If they did not bring the car purchased for driving education, they're poop out of luck.

Yes, it's as simple as that.

I didn't read everyone's

I didn't read everyone's responses and I might get shit for this but... why doesn't DH want to take his kids driving?

Isn't that a milestone thing every parent looks forward too? Teaching their kids how to drive?

This sounds to me more of DH/BM drama instead of making it about kids.

BM did NOT attempt to teach the boys how to drive. They live with us 100% full time so SO and I did. I honestly think it was because she didn't want anything happening to her car. She missed out on the bonding time with her kids.

Boys had cars before they got their license and over my dead body would BM be allowed to take the boys in THEIR cars since SO paid for them and they were insured by him.

I will add boys did not drive my car because it's standard. So it was in SOs car and when we got theirs we drove around in those.

Thanks all. For further

Thanks all. For further context, they go out with BM a lot. She has even already taken them on the five-lane freeway even though they have only completed one driver's Ed session to date. All her choice.

Also, the kicker is that they have gone out in my car and driven around a parking lot with DH who tried to teach them how to parallel park. DH's car is my dad's car (so, technically, I own it since it was a gift to me) and I told DH they weren't to drive it because it has sentimental value (my dad passed away unexpectedly) and they don't respect cars enough. The car was also in mint condition when we got it, but now is covered with scuffs inside. I warned DH that I would expect him to treat the car well if we got it (we didn't have to take it) and he assured me he'd be careful, but he doesn't even tell Skids to take their own trash inside, it just sits in the car.

I told DH that they could drive my car - which is smaller, easier to handle, and has already been scratched to pieces on the outside thanks to their inability to open DH's car door in the garage without slamming it into mine - after they had taken some drivers ed. However, the same kid who complained to BM also cried (full-on tears) when DH told him that he wouldn't take him out Friday night, but later in the weekend and I told DH that if a kid was crying over driving maybe he was not mature enough to drive.

I still maintain that the kids don't have a right to drive either one of our cars and that DH is not obligated to take them out driving whenever they demand it or even every weekend. Also, it's not for BM to decide.

I think some of this demand from BM is coming because DH and I now have a daughter, so BM is in a power struggle to try to "get more" for Skids and maintain their priority. This email was days after DH told her that he could not change pick up and drop off (BM is supposed to drop off Skids on Fridays but always claims she's "too busy" with work - she's not, she just has a new boyfriend) because he's in charge of our daughter on Friday evenings until I get home and her dinner and bedtime routine is at the same time. BM agreed to the Friday drop offs at the last mediation and usually, she just pawns it off on someone else, but her helper was apparently busy this week. MIL stepped in to help this week and even took Skids for two extra days, so BM could have more alone time.

Ok so this makes more sense.

Ok so this makes more sense. BM is being an extra a**hole because of your child together and you have teenage tantrums going on. Also, the kids (by what you wrote) are getting experiencing driving so what's BMs problem.. oh just to be relevant it sounds.

I do agree that they shouldn't be using your car but, you can't hinder DH IF he wants to take skids out because he drives a car that belongs to you. To me.. that's not really not fair.

I would rather they use my

I would rather they use my car and so would DH since it's easier to drive and has more crash prevention features - like beeping when you leave your lane or get too close to something else, but I figure they can take a few lessons (even classroom lessons) first. They are only 15 and live less than a mile from their school, so they don't need to drive immediately.

Of course, I'm also of the view that if someone whines and complains and tells lies to mom then they don't get rewarded with what they were demanding, but I've already lost that battle with these kids.

It is good to keep in mind

It is good to keep in mind that the BM is not always an accurate source for what the kids said. They have a knack for twisting it out of proportion... she could have asked them and they may have answered differently than she is pressing with him.

Very true...she's like the

Very true...she's like the National Enquirer...she takes a rumored snippet and shares it with someone else as a 500 page work of "non-fiction".

DH Made a comment beforeSD

DH Made a comment beforeSD turned 16 about how she could drive my car to learn how to drive when she was with us. (He has just a truck). I nipped that in the bud immediately! Luckily I lease so that was my good excuse but even if I owned it outright -nope! sorry not my child,not my problem, and not my need to worry about her wrecking my car. I love how many BM's iand DH's want us to have hardly anything to do with their precious children but then they expect us to want them to use our things.

I like Rags response. She can

I like Rags response. She can EFF off. It is NOT YOUR DAMN PROBLEM. The damn nerve of her assuming that YOU have a responsibility to share YOUR car with her kids. The NERVE my goodness.

Please don't respond. And I

Please don't respond. And I hope DH didn't tell her he is resposible for DD Friday nights, it's none of her business why he is unavailable.

When it came time for Killjoy to drive, we bought her a beater, but only because she lives with DH. There's no way in hell she'd be allowed in my car ever again with the lack of respect she shows other people's possessions.

I told DH he better not

I told DH he better not respond.

He did tell BM about DD. I feel the same way that is none of her business, but then decided that maybe it was okay to include that in OFW because she keeps sending messages saying that as a "divorced, single mom who works full time" she can't possibly drop them off on Fridays and talking about all her "work and other commitments" on Fridays. She also keeps saying that DH said in their mediation that he didn't care which day he drove, which he didn't say and they weren't in the same room, so she wouldn't even know what he said.

Look into your car insurance,

Look into your car insurance, you might find gold there to make your point. I did in my state when faced with this.

Driving is an important life skill...

And Feral Forger SD22 STILL doesnt have her license nor does she do any driving. Barely keeps a job. And no college classes to date.

The mother is an A$$hole, but if the skids are taking classes, she needs to take on the practice part. Shes failing as a parent, just like Toxic Troll and to some degree DH on my end.

Back before school-gate, I was going to take SD15 backstabber to a special place and get her started. Now Im thinking she can just wait. Until 17-18, if thats what the parents want. Im very disengaged, as you should be.

It steams us up, when the BM's just dig into our spouses, though I totally get it.

"BM Thank You"

... for reminding us that you will be bringing your practice car for the boys to practice driving with. Please make sure the tank is full, thank you again." -DH

AdultSkid isn't allowed to

AdultSkid isn't allowed to use anything of mine ever. That is written in stone.

I have this rule too. I'm

I have this rule too. I'm buying myself a small car that skid is t allowed in since we just have a family car for now.

If she wants dad to teach

If she wants dad to teach them, send them With the car bought for them.

"You told me you would teach

I would not respond at all, but if I did, it would sound like this -

"BM- yes, it is true that new drivers need to get as much practice as possible."

Love this!

Thank you!

Awesome response! We're going to use this strategy. Why do all of these HCBM's use the same tone and language? I swear there is a golden uterus playbook that we just don't know about. Nothing is ever a question, just statements.

I feel your pain

So much sympathy for you. Being a step-parent is horrific. We are in an all out war situation with BM over child issues. Her/kids' "entitledness" is mind-blowing. I guess if we love our spouses/partners we just have to keep tolerating all the shit one day at a time until the kids are grown.

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Skids apparently have a right to drive my car

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