Skids are not involved. That seems to be what's creating difficulty with DH & I. Not that we don't get along or love each other. I love being with him. Things have taken a huge turn, though, since we met, & I'm not sure either of us really knows how to carry on with each other without skids in our lives.

When I met DH, BM was no where in the picture by her choice. She left when skids were 2 & 4. They were young enough they really did require the bulk of DH's time, & I struggled a bit trying to find my place in their lives. We finally did figure it out though, & we all adjusted. When BM found out DH was seeing me, she suddenly decided she was ready to come back home...a 4th time. She cried to DH about having changed her life & she wanted them to be a family again. Of course, she knew I was in the picture. DH told her he would fully support her being a mother to their children, & was excited for his kids being able to have a relationship with her again. She had visitation EOW. Sometimes she would take it. Sometimes she wouldn't. I've posted here before about her false claims of terminal cancer & that that's why the skids chose to live with her. As soon as they left, BM began denying DH visitation. He let it go for awhile, wanting to allow his children whatever time they could have with BM, given she claimed to have 8 months to live. She tried time after time, to convince DH to take her back so they could console their children together. Blah, blah, blah... Come to find out BM is fine. She tells DH & skids that she's in remission, but tells the lawyers she was never terminal with anything. Whatever. All of that went on in 2005. DH has fought in court 4 times since then for visitation to end up, last year, being told that skids were now at a point the skids can choose whether or not to participate in visitation. We haven't seen them since. BM has done everything in her power to alienate him from his kids.

DH & I have grieved this loss together, though we seem to grieve in different ways. Skids have never been an issue for us to argue over. BM has been a thorn for both of us, but DH & I have always been on the same page in the battle.

I guess what we struggle with now is this hole that the skids left when they chose to abandon our home. DH & I...our relationship was built with the skids as one of the main parts. They were in our lives daily. We had to figure out how to meld & grow together with them involved, & since they've gone, it's like a huge part of our lives is just empty. Things aren't bad for DH & I aside from just not being able to feel whole.

Depsite the hurtful choices they've made, I've never felt hate toward my skids. There was a time when they needed me & really, I needed them. They don't need me anymore. They have their mom back. When I chose to build a life with DH, I was happy to have them as part of my life, & I was fully prepared to give them my whole heart. I'm still wanting to do that, but now they don't need it.

I just feel lost.