staying disengaged even tho DH has cancer and ss still needs an adult
Unfortunately with DH having cancer I have to engage a bit more. Also have to drive ss16 to school b/c we just moved out of district. But I am trying to be creative in ways to still remain disengaged, like the car leaves at 6:50 ready or not. I am doing all the cooking but only make food for all to eat and no special orders. If DH wants to give his meat to ss that's fine but I make enough for everyone and no more special extra meat orders, especially if he won't eat his vegies. I am trying to disengage from the step dog but he gets water and I remind DH to feed him. I have to do all this b/c I am working two jobs and if I had to do everything I'd end up in the hospital myself. I was having heart flutters a couple months ago and doc reminded me to drink. I was getting dehydrated b/c I forgot to drink b/c I am so busy. So through this tough time I am finding small ways to still stay pulled away a bit. It's the hardest thing to have ss in my car all the time b/c he seems to drop dirt everywhere he goes and leaves a bad odor. We drive with the windows open :jawdrop:
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I'm sure money is probably
I'm sure money is probably pretty tight for you but is there any way at all that you could hire out some of the stuff you are doing?
They have this thing in our town that is like a class but all the people get together (say 7 in a group) and each person has made 7 casseroles, 1 to keep and 6 to exchange. So you end up with 7 different casseroles but it still saves some time because it is easier to make 7 of the same thing all at the same time than to make 7 different casseroles at 7 different times.
Anything at all that can help you out. Maybe even take advantage of a professional organizer for help. The more streamlined everything is for you, the easier it will be. It's got to be tough to do all that and take care of everyone.
I'm sorry for what you and
I'm sorry for what you and your DH are going through right now.
Regarding taking care of yourself.......remember what they tell you on airplanes, in the event the cabin depressurizes? That you're supposed to put your mask on first, then help the people around you?
It's solid advice, you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of those you love. We tend to run ourselves ragged.
^^^This too what shaman said.
^^^This too what shaman said. You can only keep this going for your husband if you take care of you first. The other way doesn't work out.
Sterling my heart goes out to
Sterling my heart goes out to you.
My DH has had multiple surgeries (none that I'll share here, too paranoid). But I've blogged before that I would pick up the slack even with the CS & when skid + brother were visiting, shopping sprees, etc whenever he was in the hospital.
There is no disengaging then. There just isn't. There's also no way you can shield DH from your resentment, I just waited till he was better to hear it.
I still cook for ME but make enough for everyone before I leave the house & it just stays in the fridge. I know it will get eaten but this way, I don't have to hear any crap about it. I'd like to say just keep your humor going & do what you can for yourself but really what I'm trying to say, is don't do the "nothing" routine. Because that will eat you up alive every time when you look at how sick your husband is. Trust me. Even when I've physically removed myself from daily chores of SS, I still see my husband daily. Think that's why I don't back down in court with BM or anyone. Whether any of this works out or not---this is for my husband.
My dh keeps telling me that
My dh keeps telling me that Karma is going to pay me back one day. I am not sure I believe in Karma, but I am sure not going to turn down a little good Karma! We just don't have anyone to really help out on a daily basis, however, DH's mom is coming to visit again next week and his Aunt is also coming, they are planning on helping me settle more into this place. We moved 3 weeks ago and there are still boxes everywhere, I'm just too bushed by the end of the day to do any more. They also always bring a lot of snacky foods for the boys and a few meals for the freezer! THAT helps. I like the casserole idea too but right now the only group I go to are a small cancer support group. They seem way more worn down then me and they all have horror stories, I am thinking of not going anymore b/c it's making me paranoid.
Just this morning while DH was laying on the couch and rocking and groaning and vomiting, it hit me that he could pass away. All of a sudden I felt so alone. That's why I wrote on here. I wondered what would happen to his kids and dog and silly thoughts like that. It also might have been why I was missing my sisters yesterday and posted about them and their shunning of me. I often feel so alone in this with my DH, like we're fighting a war and we look up and down the trenches and see no one helping us fight the enemy. Scary.
So sorry Sterling, don't know
So sorry Sterling, don't know your backstory but only read why your sisters are shunning you because of marriage to DH. How long as it been? But really, that's not even relevant. So they didn't want you to marry him. Maybe they were right but whatever, you did & you're here now. Why can't your sisters see beyond that? You obviously need their support more than anyone at this very moment. What would happen if you reached out to them? Would they come? You seem close to your family. Be nice for everyone to get past this. No one gets through this without a good support team. Are you going to therapy yourself for just you?
Hi Shook, I don't have time
Hi Shook, I don't have time for therapy! lol I have reached out to my younger sisters multiple times with no response except the one time the second to youngest accidentally picked up her phone! Luckily my older sis who is 10 yrs older then me has seen past all the crap and knows who I am and how I tick and knows I married DH for love even tho he has kids who are not easy to deal with. She raised 3 of her own boys who were difficult at times. She came to my wedding a year ago and liked meeting Rick and his boys. She saw, like I see and Rick sees, his boys have been seriously damaged by BM. When ss16 was a young boy BM would come home from work, lock him into his room and then drink herself into a blithering idiot. DH would get home to no meal cooked (ever) and the young boys playing in filthy diapers and hungry. She would be passed out on the couch. Now she is MIA when it comes to ss16 but more then her not around, ss16 REFUSES to ever see her again. She also treated DH like crap and once he told me she slapped him on the head or face daily, and belittled him verbally like calling him stupid and other demeaning things. I see all this and married DH knowing all this and loving DH for everything in his life, his kids are often difficult and he has baggage but what guy who has kids doesn't have baggage? and I have my own kids, oldest being disabled, but she lives in a home.
I honestly think and believe that my sisters have shunned me more b/c of their own personal issues then anything to do with me, but I happened to be the person they are using to blame for their pain and hurts. I do love my sisters, babysat them when growing up and my older sis babysat me, we are a very close family. I am seeing more clearly as I get older how dysfunctional my family is in a marvelously functional fashion!! Strange for me to describe us in such a way but it's true.
When I look at DH I see my family in him. He feels like my family to me, comfortable and easy going and in love with life and loves kids. He coaches football and the middle school level and all the kids adore him! He's talking about getting back this fall into coaching even if he's not completely recovered. Two treatments ago he sat beside a young man and this kid was one of DH's football players.
Life is so strange.
Life is very strange indeed.
Life is very strange indeed.
I'm very sorry you're not only dealing with ALL of this but your sisters too. I know you don't have time. It sounds like there will never be enough time. I'm sure people would caution that you not continue to reach out to your sisters--after all why would you want to be around people that don't want you. But I'm going to say your circumstances require--not a begging--but a constant urging for compassion from everyone. Everyone not just your sisters. But your sisters seem to want to drive it home on how right they are---doesn't matter so they were right. It would have been easier marrying someone else. But we can't always choose who we fall in love with.
You seem very strong & hard working but your mind needs peace & if that's not possible then it just needs a little quiet. I'm sure you've already thought about all the financial options, life insurance etc but I urge you to stop & look at your life options now & how it needs tweaking to make it safer for you, emotionally, physically & mentally. Sometimes we're in so deep that it's hard to see other options or allow yourself some time off.
I may be wrong, maybe you have asked but keep asking some more. Family that will just come over & just keep an eye on things while you go & spend a couple hours a week to go to therapy. Could even start with twice a month. Spend a couple hours volunteering at a soup kitchen. If there is a family function to go to, do it. I bet you're really working hard for everyone, rarely for you. I'm a big dork, the biggest. But if I don't laugh, I'll go to a place in my mind that's not very happy.