So I don't have an exact "Disengagement" anniversary date but I made the decision & begun my disengagement from SS17 during the 2016 Winter holidays. This was inspired by my having discovered StepTalk last Summer, and regularly reading ever since. I consider you all my online StepParent/StepMom support group and am so grateful for all of the experience, strength & hope you've shared on this site.

I'm early-40's married to DH, whose ex (BM to SS17) is, in my unprofessional diagnosis, an organic (by organic I mean un-assisted by alcohol or drug use as there is none) manic-depressive con artist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder fueled in part by unresolved abandonment issues (never knew her dad, mom was a performer who let the bitter grandparents raise her and she was molested). She takes her unresolved rage out on men - ALL men - including her sons, ex's, current fiance, ex BF's she keeps on had (Will Trade Blow-Jobs for Cash / Rent / Power), and any males in the workplace (I assume; she's currently unemployed). She is a nasty piece of work who really puts the "BM" in bio-mom bcause she's so full of herelf & full of sh*t (but I repeat meself). My gratitude is great because I am already enjoying the beneits of disengagement! SS17 is sweet & there's a lot of love between us.

However, you all helped me get clear that I cannot A) make up for what his BM did and did not do for him, nor make SS17 willing to do the work of replacing the behavior she taught by demonstration with appropriate, rewarding behavior. This is the gist, and I could go into more detail about BM but suffice it to say, she is a composite of a lot of the psycho Ex BM's you StepTalkers have extensively described here (only minus the drug/alcohol issues). Years of trying to PAS SS17 out on his dad, my DH, who loves him & was denied a lot of the visitation time due to her lies & PAS campaign.

I could also similarly summarize SS17: he's a pretty typical teen responding to life using the tools he was given; unfortunately BM had 80% custody until 12 & she of course lied up a storm like so many others I read about here, and taught SS17 her values, which include, but are not limited to: Lying is okay! Being Lazy is Winning! Conning Others is Supreme! They're All Morons Anyway (aka Useful Chumps) Compared to Me! So he's addicted to pot, lying, manipulating, using others instead of doing for himself, playing the games but avoiding work, etc.

As for DH, he's a hero to SS17 and got custody as soon as SS17 was old enough to speak for himself in the custody hearing (12), as BM shamelessly lied in court multiple times over the years. He got custody when SS was 13, and we wotk to present a united, consistent front as parents. DH did have Disney Dad syndrome pretty bad but has grown to recognise & stop rewarding most of the manipulation & lazy "do it for me" in these years (including not giving SS17 cash he made no attempt to earn right before 4/20 last week, since we aren't stupid enough to fund the partying after all the times we've busted him high and/or with pot). So I am also grateful for how my disengagement has freed up my husband from hearing me obsess & stress about how I'm failing to get SS to stop using, lying, getting bad grades, etc. It has freed me up from trying to control outcome. It has helped me re-learn what I learned over 20 years ago in alanon (my father & paternal grandfather & uncles all raging alcoholics) about "Accetance is the answer to all my problems today... I can find no peace until I accept that the person/place/thing is exactly how it if, for today." So I'm learning to focus on just letting SS17 experience his own consequences, not calling out the lies (just taking note) or questioning the commitments I know he has no intention of keeping; I just listen, smile, and give benign answers (this morning it was, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your dad" repeated in response to multiple questions that I previously would have tried to do something about, but that I'm not willing to start event-planning on a 8-hour deadline after SS17 refused to provide input when originally invited to this opportunity over a month ago). With gratitude & hoping you all have a great day, -StepUltimate (because I was trying SO HARD to be the Ultimate Step-Mom before I found StepTalk online & learned about the sanity that is Disengagement!)