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I really like beating a dead horse. Should I send this email to BM?

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:09am

My goals for this email: to show BM that I'm looking at this from all sides including hers, to see what she thinks about a mediator session, to show her that i am willing to take her thoughts into account and work with her, to show her that the meeting (if it happens) will NOT be me defending myself to her.

BM,

I wanted to write this to you because I am trying very hard to look at this entire situation as a "big picture" and not from an emotional side. DH does not know that I'm writing this to you -- he would probably tell me not to, just for fear that you might take anything I say wrong (as is so easy to do in an email!).

I want you to know that at first, the thought of the three of us meeting sounded like a good idea. But as I've thought some more about it, I'm not sure.

I think the goal of this meeting would be for me to defend myself/my actions/my thoughts/my feelings to you, or for you to do the same to me, and basically for DH not to be stuck in the middle between us. However, that’s kind of the position he will always be in no matter if we meet this one time or not. I don't feel that I have to defend myself to you, DH's ex girlfriend, and I'm sure you don't want to sit there doing the same to me, your ex's wife.

Anything we might say to hurt the other person or degrade the other person's intentions will not lead us to a place that is better for any of us. Sure, we might get some things off our chest, but what will be the next step? Holding more resentments against the other person because of something she said at this meeting? I am afraid that is how this would end up.

The positions we are in because of the situation seem to automatically pit us against each other...and I know these hardships are absolutely common in step-parent/bio-parent situations. I want you to know that I DO want this relationship to be easier for all of us.

There are a lot of things that I could say about our recent “issues” to try to make you understand my perspective, but there is a huge part of me that knows that you will have your "mama bear" shackles up and will only look at it from the side that you are protecting your daughter from hurt. I GET that, and I want you to understand that I DO see your perspective on it. But, if you would like to discuss more about that, I truly feel that SD's biodad should be present for a meeting regarding who is watching his child, even if you do say that he has no "say" in anything involving SD6's life.

If you really, really want to meet with me and Jeff and think it will be a good idea to help move this forward, I will reconsider. But I want to know what YOUR goal is for the meeting -- what do YOU want to get out of it? What place do you want us to be in when we leave?

I mentioned to DH that maybe it might be possible for us to meet with a mediator in a counseling session or something. I do think there are a lot of issues with our whole co-parenting relationship that need to be addressed. In my opinion, a mediator/counselor would be able to help us work towards a common goal, whereas I worry with all of us sitting down and talking more casually, we could lose sight of that. However, DH does not want to go that route because he feared that you would think it was an "attack BM" session. That is not my intention whatsoever, but DH said that he thinks we could try it a more casual way first and see how it goes.

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this and maybe you haven't even put this much thought into the whole thing. But if we can start with the questions I posed above -- about our goals for this meeting -- that would help us to all come into this with a better idea of where we want to be.

Comments

Oi Vey's picture

Submitted by Oi Vey on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:22am

I didn't get past the first line.
Don't tell BM you are doing something behind DH's back.
Not good.
It lets her know that you and he are not on the same page.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:23am

Ahh, since I posted this I already decided I'd be showing this email to DH this weekend. Smile

Oi Vey's picture

Submitted by Oi Vey on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:27am

Gotcha.
Well then, my suggestion is not to send it.
I think you wrote it well, but sound like you're on the offensive, saying how you don't want to BE defensive. Plus, you sound like you insist that SD's biodad be there, and that not really a call you get to make.
Personally, and I mean this with EVERY fiber of my being, you should be having DH interact/communicate with BM and leave it at that. There are WAY too many parents in this alphabet soup.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:25am

i agree with oi vey! wow i agree with you lol...anyway I would jsut tell your dh no to the meeting and be done with and quit giving your bm so much time and effort! Say no to sd6 and yes to ss4 yu have NO obligation what so ever to take sd6 and if you don;t want to then don't!

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:30am

.... I don't feel that I have to defend myself to you, DH's ex girlfriend, and I'm sure you don't want to sit there doing the same to me, your ex's wife. She will take this as demeaning, that you are implying you are better than she because she is only the Ex"girlfriend" this is bound to get he panties in a bunch

..DH does not want to go that route because he feared that you would think it was an "attack BM" session. That is not my intention whatsoever, but DH said that he thinks we could try it a more casual way first and see how it goes Good Lord girl! Don't write this! This makes it seem that DH is on HER side, and is actually defending HER from YOU! She will get immense satisfaction out of this and will try to use it to her advantage

I would suggest not sending this email. She has not responded well to email correspondance from you in the past and I think this will just give her time to prepare her defense if you will, for the meeting. Just MHO

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:36am

Okay thank you ladies for being my voice of reason! I won't send it!

This is why I love Steptalk. And you all. It's so good to get an outside perspective on things.

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 11:36am

No I dont think you should send it.

If you dont want to meet with her dont.

If you want to, just do it and do not over analyze.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 12:17pm

SteppingUp:

The solution is simple.
Don't send the email, do not give her the satisfaction of knowing she takes up that much space in your head.

Stop keeping SD6. This really needs to come to an end for everyone's sake, and the sooner the better. Someone needs to pull the plug.

Stop worrying about/dealing with/wondering about BM and what she thinks/feels/cares about. You are going to drive yourself crazy.

Let your DH deal with her and MOVE ON. I promise you, she probably gives way less time to thoughts of you than you do of her.
If this were a competition, she would be WINNING.

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 12:20pm

I'm in agreement with the others, don't send it! You seriously need to disengage from BM. Your husband needs to be the one dealing with her, not you. You're life will be easier, trust me.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 2:02pm

SteppingUp,

I tried to be the wonderful SM and help my SO to try and help and raise his kids. AFter about 6 months and me doing 90% of the work, I started having blurry vision at odd times, driving, working. At first I thought it was fluid in my ears, did the round of meds. Then I started having tests b/c doc thought that it was something more serious. It was stress, plain and simple. But it was enough to scare me. I stood my gound and basically told SO, you want custody, you raise them b/c I'm done. If he didn't like it, he knew where the door was.

You have a brand new baby. You need to be able to enjoy your baby and all of the firsts that are coming your way. You spend way to much time trying to talk your DH and his EX into doing what should be done in the first place.

You need to say this is how it is going to go and if you don't like it, pound sand.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 10/14/2011 - 3:35pm

I agree with bearcub! Just tell your dh this is what will happen and be done with it. Let him know that you can't keep taking sd6 b/c all bm is doing is using you guys and messing up her dd all in the name of going to the bar! that is what she is doing messing up her dd so she can go out why the bio dad is not always there I don;t know but it really isn't your concern as you have your own kid and ss to think about. Let her deal with sd6 and her dad. This is too much for you to take on. just tell dh this is what I want and you need to deal with bm and leave me out of it. The 2 of you need to make decisions together and HE needs to tell bm this is what I want to do and will happen, bm CAN NOT tell you guys what to do ever she can try but take her to court and she will be shut down when it comes to sd6.