Out of the depths of despair comes a stronger person.

So, after all the bullshit about BM, DH decided to blame me for his drinking and his utterly stupid behavior. That was the last straw for me.

After crying my eyes out, I reached out to people who love me. After some very insightful conversation with my sis and my mum, I learnt 2 very important things.

1. He may blame ME but I am not going to sit back and ACCEPT the blame for things that are not my doing, no way. I found a new and powerful attitude.

2. People who are HURTING inside, hurt other people, especially those closest to them. DH is drowning in his FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt with regard to BM and skids that he cannot see what he's doing. And when he hurts me, I just want to hurt him back... but it is a vicious downward-spiraling cycle.

So this weekend, I let DH make whatever choices he wanted, but I made my own. I took back my power with regard to the skids in my house, I helped them when they needed it and I disciplined them when they needed it. I reminded DH about their school work, because the fact of the matter is - I care - I care, just as I would care for any other child that was left in my care.

I left DH with his sour, depressed state, played my favorite music loud, read a book and enjoyed my children. When he acted stupid like this before I had kids, I used to feel sooo alone, but no more... my kids are so full of joy to share, and I don't need DH to share it for me to enjoy them. For the rest of my weekend, I let nothing that he or skids said or did get in the way of my happiness.

I also have a new attitude with regard to BM. I feel utterly sorry for her. She's unable to handle her own kids and she'll depend on DH financially until the day she dies. THAT is not and will not be me, I might depend on him for now, but I have soo much going for me that I know that it's only a matter of time before I regain my independence, and I am a damn good parent. So from now on I'll try my best to laugh at BM and her stupidity and desperateness. I did do one thing that might be petty - I deleted one of her damn messages about her "feelings" that had nothing really to do with the kids, I deleted it before DH had a chance to read it and respond, and it felt damn good!

And in my state of taking good care of MYSELF and being happy despite DH and his shitty mood, he seemed to see me in a different light. And we managed to have the preliminary conversation to a very important conversation about commitment in this relationship.

And by the end of the weekend, instead of being mad at me, he WANTED me. He wanted to be in my company, he wanted to help me, he wanted to show me he could bond with baby. By the end of this weekend, baby has finally learned to call him "dada" and runs to him and gives him kisses, because baby can see and feel the change in DH's attitude.

I am still unresolved about what to do about DH's communication with BM. One of the texts he didn't forward to me was "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you with my feelings." So he knows why he left it out on purpose. DH has reiterated that he wants to be available to his kids, and he doesn't care about her feelings, but clearly he's not able to make a distinction right now. So this fight, I will not give up. My goal is to educate him about the difference between BM's feelings and real issues with the skids. And I made it clear that if he intends to make himself available to her 'feelings', he'd better be doubly available for mine.

Let's see how this goes. Seems like one of those slow upward climbs on the roller-coaster before everything comes crashing down again real fast.