Problem:

My husband's Ex has a habit of giving him grief when he's picking up their son, Ched, on Friday evenings at her house. She takes advantage of verbally abusing him, chastising, and lambasting him because there are no 'witnesses' to what she' says except for their 6 year old son. When it's time for Ched to go home on Sunday evenings, either my 21 year old daughter or I accompany hubby. When she sees either one of us, she puts on her game face, and says very little. Unfortunately, she doesn't get that a child that young has a brain like a sponge, absorbing all what's said and done.

I was told that:

A couple times she complained about hubby needed to "step up and being a dad" when she felt he wasn't spending enough time with Ched. She wanted hubby to come by her place after work to get Ched, take him out to dinner, take him to the library or to the park. Hubby gets off work around 6:30 pm and Ched's bedtime is 7:30pm. He has to drive about 8 miles in freeway traffic to do this. He'd probably get there to do this about 15 minutes before Ched's bedtime.

She cursed in front of Ched, with my husband's repeated requests to not use that language around their son.

She threw a royal fit and tore up copies of paperwork hubby handed to her. The copies were the information she needed for Ched's dr. appointment , and a copy of their parenting plan. Ched witnessed her tearing up those papers and mentioned it later to my husband on their way home. Hubby had to reassure his child that mommy was only mad at daddy, not Ched.

A month later, I had some paperwork to go back to her, and Ched saw me holding these papers. He said, "Oh, NO...you can't give those to mommy." I asked why not and he answered, "Because she will rip them up (and then he provided hand gestures of ripping paper) and throw them on the ground like she did when daddy gave her papers." This was a MONTH later, and he still remembered the fit she threw! Again, she doesn't get that this child's brain is recording all of her actions.

Hubby made the parenting plan copy for her because she tends to have selective memory to what is written in this plan. She wants to make up rules, and disregard the law when it suits her. She states the parenting plan is only a "Guideline." Uh, no, it's a legal document that the both of them signed, and entered into the court system! What's ironic is SHE devised the parenting plan, including the visitation schedule! SHE dictated the terms of the entire divorce agreement.

Solutions:

The best idea I could think of after she threw her first fit, was to write down what my husband remembered from her temper tantrums. He dictated and I wrote it into a journal. This helped calm him by getting it out of his system. We would do this after Ched went to sleep, and out of earshot.

I figured this was a temporary solution, but it's just Hubby's view on the situation since I wasn't there to witness any of it. I realized there had to be a better way of getting this proven if the occasion were to arise.

1. Record the Conversation

I discovered that in Arizona, it is legal for hubby to record their conversation without her consent or knowledge. As long as one party is aware of the recording, it is legal in Arizona. HERE is a website that explains Arizona's law. I suggest going to a search engine to find out what's legal for your state when it comes to recording conversations.

A. Digial Voice Recorder

If you are in the market to buy a Digital tape recorder, make sure it can 'offload' the files. The first recorder I bought didn't have this option, so I had to return it. Luckily I found the RCA brand, which was a lot cheaper than the recorder I returned! The RCA recorder connects to the computer via a USB that's built into the back of the device. There is software that gets installed on the computer to help manage the files easily. Do some practice recordings to get familiar with the unit before it is used.

B. Phone Call recording software

There are a variety of them out there for cell phones/smart phones. Hubby uses one called "CallRec" from http://www.qmobilsoft.com This is for the Palm Platform. Blackberry has a few call recording software solutions as well. One website that I find a variety of smartphone applications is called Handango, and you can find it at: http://www.handango.com .

Whenever Hubby calls to talk to Ched, 99% of the time he will get the answering machine. This is a way for him to show that he is not calling too often. (She thinks he is.) On the rare occasions he DOES get to talk to his son, Ched's playing a video game with mommy, and has to get back to that game. Meanwhile, their parenting plan states that "each parent will have telephone contact with the child during his normal waking hours." (Oh, and she feels that phone calls are not considered quality time with her son. When it's the best solution for the moment, it's better than nothing.)

2. Walk away from the situation

I will admit, this is a good idea, however, when hubby tried this, she started to interfere with him leaving. He said he was so angry with her, he just wanted to slam the van door shut on her hand and just drive away. He resisted, being that he knew this would NOT set a good example!

3. Give her a blank stare and ask, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what were you saying?"

He liked this idea, because she'd get it all out of her system, he'd say nothing and then ask her to repeat everything she just said. Maybe she'd get so exasperated, she'd just walk into the house and he could finally leave!

4. Walk up to the house with the phone to his ear, even if he's not on a call.

Because she's self conscious about having 'witnesses' she would hold her tongue if he were on a call. I even suggested that he could dial MY cell phone, and act as if he's talking to someone at his work when he walks up there to pick up his son.

He used to feel helpless whenever she'd start with her chastising. Now that he has these ideas, he feels more powerful to take control of the the situation that used to frustrate him.

What solutions do you have?