Need a place to vent to others who understand
Some of this is in my bio - and most of the abbreviation I am picking up but still somewhat confused.
I am 27, and a step-mom to three. 7, 12, and 14 all very close to being a year older. I have been step-mom for 14 months and with their dad for 26 months. We have had custody of the kids since the split, and the kids are very respectful of me and always have been. I am very very thankful for this. My youngest started calling me Mom the day we got married, and my older two more recently. The BM (I CANNOT STAND WHEN SHE IS REFERRED TO AS THE REAL MOM)has custody arrangements to see the kids every other weekend and certain holidays then week on/week off in the summer. We recently changed this because SD12 and SS14 don't want to go over there with the SD7 because she is babied, and nasty and always gets her way. But the new arrangement, luckily didn't go to court, and we are revoking it because it would put SD7 with her BM for almost 8 weeks straight.
SD7 spent her own weekend with BM this weekend and came home with her skin ripped up again. She has eczema over her entire body,and two years ago when I moved in she her hands, feet, knees, elbows and a majority of her face was nothing but scabs. She would rub her shins together and burn off the skin to leave huge pussing sores. Today, she has no open sores, takes very good care of her skin, unless she is with her BM and the most frustrating part about it, DFS will not do anything to help us take away custody rights to her. SD7 is allergic to almost everything, including a ton of foods. She has GERD and that limits most everything else she can have. I was the one that said "If she is allergic to dyes, why is she being given them in her meds, and food?" We have refined her diet, given the BM a list of what we don't let her have, and it seems thats all she gives her. SD7 comes home feeling like crap and then when I ask her about her diet to try to pin point why she has taken to lying about it. (and she is not very good about it either)
So in my frustration and anger I looked up a Step Support Group so I could vent and have people that understand. Her BM is nice to my face, but turns around and talks shit to the kids. My SD12 got in trouble for calling me Mom accidentally while on the phone with me. (This was honestly before she was even calling me mom)SS14 sees that BM favors SD7, and comments on it. He loves his BM but doesn't like her. I don't let the kids disrespect her in front of me, I even called SD7 on it recently. She still is their BM and she deserves some credit for incubating them for me. My husband and I refer to her frequently as the incubator (to each other). She is trying to force the kids to call her BF Dad, and SD7 is. And I am sure that her BM was the reason that SD7 waited till the day we were married to call me Mom. I could go on for ever.... but I think this is going to be a very good outlet. I already feel better just with this.
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I just joined too and haven't
I just joined too and haven't posted my story yet but it is very similar to yours. Two SD who are 6 and 15. SD6 has major emotional issues and gets whatever she wants when she is at her BM. She is also surly, mean and a spoiled brat when at her BM's home on the weekends. SD15 refuses to see her mother for more than a couple of hours because she is treated like crap by her BM and by her sister when they are with their BM. Finally, DH is now going the legal route to try to force BM to get counseling (she has already refused) and possible full custody with very limited visitation for BM until she demonstrates that she can be somewhat sane (calling SD6 a "dumbass" and throwing her clothes all over her room, screaming and slamming doors because SD6 didn't want to wear a certain pair of pants). Things have not gotten better after BM was put on notice by DH.
Hang in there!
Thank you Kew - First not
Thank you Kew -
First not sure what DH is.
Thats just like our situation - and then we have to retrain when she is back. It's so frustrating, and it's sickening when we have to witness it. SD7 is in charge at her BMs house. If they do punish her, like take away her TV in her room (at 7 there is no reason for her to have a TV) she demands SS14's TV and BM makes him let her watch it. WTH Right!?!
SS14 has tried to refuse to go over there and she throws a fit and he goes. Her BF smokes and SS14 has asthma and comes home feeling like crap and when he tried to stand up for his rights about not wanting to be around BF while he was smoking, her response was Dad smokED! He quite when SD7 was born because of the kids. But that doesn't matter - he smokED so that justifies BF smoking. This invoked a huge fight and BF told the kids that he was going to go after custody and HE was going to win. Not the BM and him, just him. As if! We told SS14 that if he really wants us to, we will go to court and petition the judge to let him make his own decisions. But he is afraid of what BF will do if he stands up in court about it. We have told him there is nothing he can do, and if he feels threatened we can make sure that he is safe, but we can't get a restraining order because no actual threats have been made.
DFS has been called on her because she took away SD12 and SS14 TV and Video Games for not making their bed, and it was cold so they were bored and started fighting with each other. She made them walk around the outside of the house with no shoes or coat on and it was at least -10 out.
We are in counseling to help deal with SD7, who is doing so wonderful
and invited them to join us so we can get things on the same page and mediate with a neutral party but she refuses.
Good Luck
Welcome to the site! On this
Welcome to the site! On this site you will find a lot of supportive posters. There also will be posters who will tell you their opinions even if it differs from most others.
Take the advice you can use and let the rest roll off your backs!
I hope you will find, like I did, that this site validates a lot of your feelings as a step-parent.
Thank you for the welcome Sky
Thank you for the welcome Sky
I have been in Al-anon for many years so I am good with "Taking what I need, and leaving the rest." It just feels so good to have people that understand what I'm going though. I love my husband but he just can't understand.
I think DH is Darling Husband
I think DH is Darling Husband .. I hope I'm getting all of the abbreviations correct. Counseling helped me and DH before we got married because he needed to learn how to argue fairly (I just won't put up with yelling and name calling) and it helped me to hear him and listen (I was a single mom for a long time). Both of my SDs are in counseling now and we have offered to go in with them if they want us to and if the counselors say it is family counseling time. BM has, thus far, refused to join us.
SD6 is the same as your SD7 .. she is completely in charge at BMs house. There is no disciipline, never hears "no", she has no bedtime .. it's awful and only makes it more so since she has been diagnosed with a mental disorder (see my first blog entry) and BM will change nothing to help, even though her counselor told the BM and DH explained to BM what needed to change. Sometimes it feels like we're are banging our head on a brick wall and every time we make progress BM knocks us back a few steps.
I don't get it.
I so completely understand.
I so completely understand. We are working very hard on trying to remember that we can't control what goes on over there. But come on BM she is allergic to dyes, peanuts and pork. Which limits her food. Then you add in her GERD and that takes out carbonated drinks, tomatoes, and chocolate. Now we do give her some treats cause she is seven, but we make sure that she takes her stomach medicine before, and she doesn't eat 2-3 hrs before bedtime. Now I do understand that this is somewhat a pain in the rear, but DH (I like darling husband) and I do it every day so that she can be comfortable. She is happy, even without all the food everyone else is getting. She has lots of special things. But at BMs she pulls the "I want Dr. Peper" - two big no-nos for her right there and she freaking gets it, then comes home sick. The dyes make her eczema flair up, she is stuck in front of a TV the whole time so she starts to scratch cause she is stagnant, and then I have to heal up her skin, and I have to make sure she is on her strict diet. I mean she was taking care of her for 5 years before DH and I got custody and in 2 yrs we have managed to help her grow up, take care of herself, and be more independent. Problem is, when she goes back to being at BMs she is treated like she is 2. The baby talking is so sickening.
So I am right there with you. I don't get it... They just want the status of being "the mom".
Yes! They want to name "mom"
Yes! They want to name "mom" but none of the responsiblity. I have fantasies of telling her exactly what I think of her and kicking her in the shin .... but of course, would never do such a thing. I know we can't control what goes on over there, but hopefully a court will agree with us and SD6's counselor that BM is hindering and the cause of the majority of SD6's issues. She gives the lip service of wanting to do what is right, but is not willing to do any of the hard work. DH has school tonight and I am HOPING that SD6 is in a much better mood than last night.
Hopefully she got it out of her system... the pattern is a total break down and fit within 48 hours of returing from BM's house and after that she is the loving, sweet 6 year old for the rest of the week.
It is SO GOOD to know someone else is going through the same thing! Even though it sucks too.
That is so our house - we are
That is so our house - we are prepared Sunday night for the fit when she has to shower. Its has been better lately, so I will throw you in my prayers that yours will get better too. Between Christmas 09 and the summer of 09, we had tantrums every single day with SD7 (then 6). When school started back up it was down to two or three times a week and now we are at two or three times a month. Now they are manageable.
The only difference to our fantasies is mine involves a horse whip most times. I don't understand how a mother bio/step or other can do this to a child.
Last night was fine .. SD6
Last night was fine .. SD6 was her normal happy self. SD15 has been hanging all over me the last couple of weeks and being somewhat annoying to get my attention. While I appreciate what she is going through and will give her love and attention I do not want her hanging on me all the time.
I so understand that too.
I so understand that too. SD12 does that too. I love her to death, but she gets in these moods where she flings herself on me.
I am glad to hear that you had a good night. We have had a good week with SD7 as well
She doesn't go back to BMs for almost 3 wks 
DH and I are both trying to
DH and I are both trying to remember what you just said. We are doing our best to teach SD7 to take care of herself, and she does very good everywhere but with her BM.
" She's resisted anything coming out of Your House because it's Your House. " This is what is so frustrating. I don't understand how anyone can be that selfish. But then again I didn't have to relinquish custody of my kids to my ex and his new GF. My DH just reminds me when I am most frustrated with her that she is just p.o.d because I am a better mom. I do love him!
When they split, I met my DH shortly after, we moved in together before the D was final, and married a year later. They split it 60/40 during the year, and keeping the 60/40 we tried to keep more of the weekends and give her more summer so the kids weren't so pulled back and forth during school, and she gave us back a new schedule that made it 75/25... shrugs.. so she has the kids 1/2 the summer and then every other weekend. We keep her very informed on everything that goes on in their life, but I really think she likes the freedom of us raising them. Then turns around and says she misses her kids, but has made no effort to spend more time with anyone other then SD7 and SS14 and SD12 both see it. Its so sad.
It feels so good to have people that understand my feelings. My DH is great, but he just doesn't get it. My x and I didn't have kids and we don't ever have to deal with him. In fact he never even met him.
Good Luck to you too!