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SD told bm she don't like me picking her up

Stepmamaneedshelp2023's picture

So. We have 50/50 custody.  We've had it since she was 4, biodad had her himself until we got married.  Well now and then, sd will tell bm that she don't like when I pick her up from school and she'd rather her dad do it.  He works different hours, so I'm mainly the person who does the traveling. Last week I picked her up from school and she started telling me stuff and I told her that we could talk about it with dad ( it was about body odor and deodorant) DH had already discussed it with her the week prior and her mom was pushing it on her (she also taught her about periods and puberty when she was 7 just in case, also has been wearing a bra since 8yrs old to practice, nothing actually there. And I do realize some girls mature earlier.  Our sd isn't one of them) DH had made a decision which I support. Anyway, she brought it up , I told her we'd talk about it with dad.  Then she said her guidance counselor said she is at the age she might need it, again I deferred the convo. On the 3rd time bringing it up, I got mad and said you need to stop.  We will yak about it with dad. I don't care what the counselor says, or your mom, your dad has rules too and you have to follow them at our house.  (It's also a pattern that if she don't like our rules, she'll go to get mom or a counselor or a social worker to get her own way.  ) 

So now it's time to go get her and BM wrote DH telling him SD don't like it when I pick her up and she's glad DH is.  I am frustrated with all I do for this child, but the minute I talk to her wrong or give her a punishment for disobeying me, it's back to this crap of "I don't like her". And DH feels I should fix this.  But I have no idea how.  All I know is I'm hurt and angry. This isn't the first time and I'm sure it's not the last. Advice for a stepmama who feels like I can't do anything right for this child ive loved for 7 years

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This is the 10-year-old who, when on vacation with you needs BM on the phone with her until she falls asleep, right? And dictates what restaurants you go to and what hotel rooms you get? And she has already learned to go around her parents and get counselors to push her agenda? Yeesh. I say you and your DH decide what is best as far as parenting when it's your custody time. This girl needs to know her place (which is a child who is well cared for by the adults in her life but she doesn't call the shots.) ETA my semi-qualified opinion is that if the adults let a child call the shots, the child begins to feel that maybe the adults are weak and don't know what they are doing, leading the child to feel less secure. 

ESMOD's picture

I hear what you are saying, but it's not my call to make.  You can talk about it with your dad when you see him. 

repeat.. repeat..

I would take anything mom says with a grain of salt.. but clearly this kid has been allowed too much control.

(though.. a kid asking for hygiene supplies.. I'm not totally sure I would be against a 10 or 11 year old starting to wear deoderant.. whether she had the physical signs of puberty or not).. she may be self conscious and it's hard when she thinks all the other kids are maybe using it? )

but.. it's dad's call for the most part whether he has strong feelings about when she starts shaving.. when she starts wearing bras.. or deoderant.. etc..

the fact that this has been a discussion with staff at school? not sure if it was a group discussion on hygiene.. or whether the staff there noticed she, in particular, might need to start wearing it.. (maybe not showering regularly at mom's?)

she is getting to be a pre-teen.. kids get annoyed at their parents.. she needs to hear that you are her ride on the days her dad can't do it.. and that he expects her to be respectful.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree, if a skid wants to wear modest undergarments and use hygiene products, i'm all for it! So many of us deal with the opposite. I would even recommend SM and dad talk about it together and make a decision, and hopefully decide to get them. If exposure to chemicals is an issue, maybe get her some natural aluminum-free deo. It doesn't work as well but it will get her in the habit of using something. But...as far as who drives her to and from school - that's the adults' decision. If there's not a bus, someone has to. If the kid is 10, is there 50/50, and the SM has other kids in the home, disengaging totally is probably not an option. 

CLove's picture

Especially if you are doing FAVORS for the bio parents.

Repeat this mantra "I cannot care more than the bio parents". "ask your dad". "Discussion can happen later".

She doesnt call the shots.

notarelative's picture

SD complained about her ride. You should not care. And DH telling you that it's your job to fix it is wrong. He's listening to BM's complaint about SD's supposed complaint. He needs to shut this talk down. 

Good job on referring it back to Dad. His kid -- his talk -- his decision. 

As to the deodorant, the counselor most likely did talk about the need for deodorant. Not to SD individually, but to the whole group. It's a common class conversation at this age. Here the school nurse does it, and even gives out sample size deodorants for them to take home. If your weather is warmer than usual this year like ours, and you spent time in an unconditioned humid classroom with 20 or so kids, you'd be talking to them about deodorant too. Do SD a favor and encourage DH to get her some deodorant for use at his/your house. If she's asking, it's time to support development of good hygiene habits and buy it.

Rags's picture

, do what they are told, and be respectful.

This kid... for sure needs the nessage repeatedly, and firmly.

Nea

10yos do not get a say. They can ask, but... they do not get to tell their parents/SParents/any other adult in an authority position what to do.

A 10yo can walk if they don't like who is picking them up. While the adult picking them up idles slowly behind and the lippy kid learns a clear lesson.  Th is also ingrains cross walk usage, checking both ways before crossing a street, and .... their tired 10yo legs will remind them not to be an ungrateful little shit ... next time.

IMHO of course.

Harry's picture

Very aware of what the other kids are doing in school.   They smell the deodorant and perfume. Bra must be a big topic in  school. Kids saying that they are more developed older just need that bra.  Parents get there kids things to fit in to a point if they actually need it or not.   
I would not pick her up. You are fighting BM and SO for what?  Let them handle it. DH can ouch SD up at BM's when he gets there after work.  Let him do the traveling,,,  he may get a new respect for you 

Winterglow's picture

"You don't like me picking you up? OK, kiddo, enjoy the walk!"

The deodorant? That would not be a hill to die on for me. No way would I try and talk a kid out of using hygiene products! Even if she doesn't need it yet, it's a good habit for her to get into now before she hits her teens and decides she doesn't need to wash, use deo, etc.

Stepmamaneedshelp2023's picture

Thanks everyone! Lots of great advice there.

The only problem with the deodorant was that, Dad said no, Bm brought it to child anyway.  Kid got anxious about doing what dad said not to, then went to guidance counselor.  Who, of course , said that sd is at the age she might need it.  It's not really about the deodorant itself.  It's about bm pushing ideas on sd since she was 7. And overruling dad's decisions.  And then taking kid to counselor WHILE on OUR time.  We've had consequences before, ie you can't do your daily reward on a certain game, sd complained to bm.bm did the reward and sent sd the picture daily so sd couldn't be punished.  (We didn't find out about this until after punishment was over). It's exhausting. 

Winterglow's picture

Did your DH say no to the deo simply because BM said ok? Or did he have a real reason?

Stepmamaneedshelp2023's picture

It was based on the fact that BM has been pushing her ahead of her years.  If it was bc sd wanted it, she would've got it.  But bm has been telling her about discharge on her undies since she was 7 (never any  when she is here 50% of the time) and then bras. SD has never said she wants these things.  

notarelative's picture

It's about bm pushing ideas on sd since she was 7.

I think you are discounting peer pressure. When one in the group gets the girl's pre bra, they all want one. If you are buying undershirts, switching to a pre bra isn't much of a difference. If they've had the deodorant talk at school, they'll want deodorant. 

Dad has years ahead of this. SD will be at middle school soon. That brings the makeup issues. Then dating. He needs not to reflexively say no.

I don't see SD going to the guidance counselor (which if it is a guidance counselor would be at school not brought by BM)  about deodorant as a bad thing. I see a kid trying to navigate between a parent letting her mature along with her peers and a parent trying to keep her a little kid. 

Dogmom1321's picture

I used to be hurt when SD13 would make similar comments. I was catching flak from everyone so I just completely stopped during COVID. My feelings were hurt at the time, but now I see it as a silver lining! She is constantly asking DH to give her friends rides, drop her off at the mall, etc etc. I have NO part of it. DH doesn't even bother asking me anymore. He doesn't bother my car either. Her parents can figure out the chauffeuring situation. And if they can't, then SD just simply missed out or goes to the other parents house. Look on the bright side!