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Call me controlling, but there would be no way in hell

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

Submitted by stepgirlfriendfurmom on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 12:31pm

I feel like lately I have been seeing a lot of posts by women having either boyfriends or husbands who are still very much enmeshed with BM aka their ex or are putting themselves in situations where they very much deserve better, but for the sake of loving their SO, are willing to toss these issues aside or try to convince themselves these are not concerning. Perhaps I have not enough tolerance or am controlling, but I figured I would share a brief list of red flags that would of ended my relationship had my boyfriend displayed these behaviors in relation to BM specifically, not in any particular order and mostly relating to HCBMs. Veterns please feel free to add to my list!

1. Excessive or unnecessary communication with BM

2. Sharing personal details that are not related to the child/children that are shared with BM

3. Hiding communication sent by BM, i.e. bikini photos, intimate messages, commentary about me, etc.

4. Not standing up for me or our relationship to BM when crossing lines or boundaries

5. Not setting boundaries with BM

6. Put on a "family" facade with BM, i.e. attending functions as a happy family, hiding me in the bedroom while kids visit, etc.

7. Doing favors for BM, i.e. changing a tire, moving furniture, etc.

8. Puts BM before me

9. Spending time with BM, times a million if kept a secret

10. Inviting BM into our home (we do not live together yet, but for future reference, lol!) 

11. Being friends with BM on social media (I do not have any ex's on mine, do not think he should either)

12. Buying things for/paying for items, bills, etc. for BM (does not count if child asks to pick something small out for a holiday for BM)

 

I am sure there are many more, but these were what came to mind. My bf does not display any of these behaviors and if he did there would be no relationship. All in all this way to say, ladies please value your self worth, you deserve so much better than what some of these men have been giving you. Hugs!

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 1:29pm

Amen.

I put up with some stupid shit (but not for long) when I was a lot younger, but by time I met DH (when I was 30), I didn't have time for that. If I wanted someone to totally disrespect me, I would have stayed with one of my idiot ex boyfriends.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

Submitted by stepgirlfriendfurmom on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 1:36pm

I had a few of those relationships too that I learned a lot about myself and a lot about relationships. I will say however, this site also helped me A LOT. Not in aspects of my bf doing things wrong, more of despite the negative sides being with someone who has been married and has children, made me appreciate and respect all the ways he was trying and was doing right by me. Learned some things too that I was like "oh hell no," to know to look out for haha.

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 12:47pm

I think if the child wants to give BM a gift, it should be handmade from the heart.  Of course MOTFY should love anything her preshusss babbeeees make for her.

One year SD told DH that BM wanted a necklace for mother's day.  So DH bought a beaded necklace crafting kit they could make together for bonding time, five bucks.  I'm sure lazy greedy psychopathic BM loved it, was exactly what she wanted. (sarcasm)

 

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 1:00am

When I first met my DH he told me he and his ex were "friends" and he hung out with her sometimes (with the kids) and did little favors like taking apart the kids' old swing set for BM to donate or moving stuff. When we got serious, I told him that stuff needed to stop. I had no interest in hanging out with his ex and it would not be OK if he did it without me. Plus she had a boyfriend herself so I let him know that he needed to tell her that if she needed a handy man, she needed to call her own boyfriend, not mine. I don't care if any of that made me a bitch, I wasn't into being a sister wife, and I wasn't hanging out with my ex (though we had no kids to use as an excuse, not that kids made it OK with me anyway). I put up with sitting with her at his son's baseball games and stuff for awhile, but when she starting ramping up her jealousy (she dumped her boyfriend and was baffled that she couldn't find "the one" but her ex did), that all ended, and when she would call our house phone at inappropriate times (before 7 am, etc) I told him she wasn't allowed to call our number anymore, just his cell so I didn't have to hear her ugly voice. They were on the outs for a long time because she made our lives hell with switching visitation and bitching about stupid things and always asking for more money, yet she still invited us to stuff like his son's 16th b-day party, graduation parties, etc (all at her house which I wouldn't be caught dead in). We never went and I'm glad because that would have been awkward AF. After both kids were 18 she made a comment that maybe they could be friends now that "all the child support stuff was over," like her stopping hounding him for money instantly erased all the BS she put us through. It occured to me that of course she could think it would be all water under the bridge because she was the one who did all the crappy things to us/him, not the other way around. Dilusional. Haven't seen or heard from her in 4 years, since my SD graduated college, and even then I only had to see her for a second. It's been great. I'm dreading weddings and babies from the stepkids but they don't seem to be forthcoming any time soon, so I don't worry too much.