"Wow, you're really strict on SS13"
My brother's 17 year old girlfriend was at our house last night visiting. My brother used to live with us, so she is very comfortable with our family.
It was about 7:30 last night and me, DH, B, and B's GF were sitting around the kitchen table talking. I reminded DH to check on SS13 who'd been working on HW alone in his room for the past few hours.
DH calls SS down to show him what's going on. So SS13 brings down his work and his homework log (the little book that he is now supposed to have his teachers sign every day next to the day's homework, and then show DH so DH can sign). Anyway, DH does good, catches him and calls him on leaving something off, makes him write it down, and then reminds him why we are doing this entire exercise.
SS13 starts a bit of an attitude and I remind him that it was just Friday that we all agreed that he would do this daily and he's not holding up his part of the agreement and he needed to do what he is supposed to.
Anyway, when he goes back upstairs, my brother's GF says, "wow, you're really strict with him"
We tell her that we didn't used to and he started off with all the leniency in the world, but he'd lie and "forget" and find ways NOT to do his work that we had to resort to this.
She's only 4 years older than SS, but she takes her schooling very seriously but also has a lot of freedom. So it was interesting that that was her first reaction.
We explained many of the steps we've taken prior to resorting to the current scenario and it all made sense. I think she was also shocked to see the level of involvement/supervision that we provided SS just to get his work done.
(My kids on the other hand were all upstairs, happily enjoying their hour of screen time, homework and chores having long since been completed and taking turns bathing - as they do EVERY DAY without such intense supervision).
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Comments
Could very well be. I am at
Could very well be. I am at my wit's end with this kid and his excuses and lack of follow through. So you could very well be right.
I know DH is frustrated with him too.
Well, Dad's usually a push
Well, Dad's usually a push over (meaning, he's bought SS's excuses for the past few years) and has made excuses for him. So it's nice for me to see DH stepping up.
It may also be because I took the time to show DH our entire finances and he now sees exactly what percentage of HIS income goes to send SS to this private school we've sent him to 1) to be with my kids and 2) because he needs the extra attention. DH basically works an entire 3rd of the work month to send SS to this school and now that DH realizes that he is out there busting his ass, he will no longer accept SS's BS excuses.
FINALLY!
BM pays no child support so this expense is not something that is easy for us to swing by any means.
I had to do this with my BIO
I had to do this with my BIO SON, didn't have to do squat with my BIO DAU. Same with DSO. His 2 boys, school was a battle and thats why they are both in juvie. SD loves school so we don't have to monitor her work at all.
Thank you. I agree. Right now
Thank you. I agree.
Right now he's getting lots of attention and focus around his work from both me and DH. None of his excuses are working any more, so he's going to eventually figure it out and comply.
He knows that will not be full of summer camp and swimming pools like it was last year. He knows he'll be in tutoring and working at the library so that he can catch up. (wish they had summer school in our area).
And yes. I do get a tone of irritation come 7:30 at night when I've gotten up, made lunches for DH and 4 children, dropped the kids at school, commuted one hour, put in a day's work, commuted home, taken the bios to the library, put dinner on the table and cleaned up - oh, and I'm 6.5 months pregnant! - Heck I'm irritated with anyone in the house who is not pulling their weight at this point in the day.
To me it sounds like you are
To me it sounds like you are overwhelmed and you really don't like the kid. Everything he does bugs you.
I happen to understand that as everything my SD does bugs me too.
Maybe it isn't my place to say this because having to supervise my SD's homework and her upbringing would be a nightmare and I'm sure I'd be up on homicide charges.
But you are doing what I wouldn't want to do because I know I would be the same as you.
Too hard on the kid and honestly - mean.
I'm sorry. I'm sure you don't want to hear this but I get "mean" from your posts. The kid is banished from the common areas, he is told to work like a dog to earn a bit of money to go on a school trip, etc. etc. You make (true or not) derogatory comments about his Mom. Honestly,
I'm not judging you because - I really mean this - I would be the same way. Probably worse. I just don't have any tolerance for bull. Fortunately I'm not in that position and I won't put myself in it either. I don't like my SD but I don't want to be mean to her on a daily basis. I would be if she lived with me. The frustration would be too much.
But looking at what you write is hard. Because I honestly think the kid has a really tough go of it and I do think you are extremely hard on him. Unwelcoming and unpleasant too.
Please try and lighten up a bit. He must be under tremendous pressure. You must be too.
I appreciate your taking time
I appreciate your taking time to comment and can tell that you are coming from a good place.
I do have to check myself all the time: am i being mean?, is this OK?, would I want someone treating my child this way?
I tend to give and give and give and then realize I can't do it all and then snap - its an ongoing pattern and has definitely presented itself with SS and DH. They both literally hit the lottery when DH and I fell in love. Prior to DH and my getting together, he was struggling financially, trying to make ends meet, often on food stamps and him and SS were just surviving. DH would get up and leave the house at 6 am. SS would feed himself and walk the two miles to school. He was picked on at school, struggled in many classes and would walk home alone after school and fend for himself (play video games, watch tv, maybe do some homework, eat junk food) until DH came home at 7. DH would shower, lie down on the bed while SS watched TV with him and they'd fall asleep or SS would wander back into his room to play more video games. Saturdays and Sundays were also very similar. DH would attend to school meetings with counsellors and teachers to try and help SS but DH also beleived SS when SS said he had no work to do. DH would discipline SS with the belt, but then SS would go to his room and play video games and watch cable tv till he fell asleep. SS's aunt and cousins didn't even really like to have SS over because he caused problems and was not a very enjoyable kid to be around.
BM was a drunk and drug addict and was absent for 7 years and only had a renewed interest when she realized that I was a serious part of the equation. Through the 7 years she would show up anywhere from once a month to every 6 months, break windows, cause a scene, hit DH, pass out on the couch and be on her way when she woke up - back to her girlfriend whom she left DH and SS for.
SS had a horrible attitude,and was a generally unhappy grumpy kid. DH would make excuses that that's just the way SS was, it was in his genes, etc.
It was a miserable life for both of them.
Enter Me :-): great mothering skills, great homemaking and career skills, great kids, a great relationship with the ex and just a high functioning person. I was a middle school teacher in a former life and have lots of experience with kids SS's age and even worked with disturbed kids quite closely for years. So I saw a lot of areas where SS and DH needed some help. DH needed some new parenting skills and techniques and SS needed LOTS of love, encouragement, discipline, limits, diet - heck the kid needed everything. And i was more than willing to give it - often to the detriment of my own children, placing his VERY GREAT needs before those of others in the home.
Now, after months and months of giving, I am tired. Yes, there has been great improvements with this boy. Really great improvements. But I'm so tired of his bad attitude and the draining of my family's resources, that I am bitter and angry towards the boy. I know that none of this is his fault and he never asked for any of the things that he has received (well, i take that back because he does ask for stuff), but I have willingly given. and given. and given.
A person can only take being told "I hate you, you've ruined my life" so many times - when in fact, the exact opposite is true. EVERYONE: MIL, SIL, DH, BM's cousin and sister, My Family, Friends of ours - everyone calls me a saint and says that the child is a completely different child. And he is. But old habits die hard and everything that has now been handed to him, he does not appreciate and again, I am tired of it. So I keep trying to push the parenting onto DH as much as I can. I am constantly "coaching" him on things he might say, or things he might consider doing, etc. I've tried to back off quite a bit.
Again, no excuses. This is a hard situation for all of us. SS was handed a really rotten hand. I was handed a really rotten SS and BM, but I'm trying. And am in no way perfect at all.
I love that i have this site to come to and vent. Say things I might not say in real life to anyone else. Get it off my chest so that I don't explode (too often) at SS or DH.
I get it. Take care of
I get it. Take care of yourself first. It's a tough road and you have a lot of walking to do. Most of it uphill against the wind from the sounds of it.
I think your SS will be better off for your influence. Do your best to smile and pat his back once in a while. Give him an unexpected treat once in a while too - maybe slip him a bit of money before he goes on his trip 'Just from me to you. Have fun! Nobody needs to know this".
Good luck! I can tell YOU come from a good place too.