It Had Been Bugging Me All Day
So after thinking it through, I decided to let DH know that I was pretty upset that SS13 did not even acknowledge me AT ALL during Mother's Day weekend.
I let him know that something was bothering me and I brought up Mother's Day. He immediately asked if it was because he didn't get me anything and I said, "well, you didn't even get me a card" though he did help my kids with their breakfast in bed, etc that they made for me. He got a little defensive and stated that I don't give him any money, blah, blah, blah.
I told him to stop. That a card costs $20 and he could have got that much money off of the floor of his vehicle or in the couch if he wanted and if he could please let me finish.
I told him my feelings are hurt because neither he nor SS took the time to acknowledge my role in SS's life. That I take care of HIS child full time - I do more for SS13 than DH, BM or DH's mother - yet those people were recognized. I wash his clothes, buy his clothes, get his glasses (twice in 3 months), help with his homework, speak with his teachers, fill out his permission slips, send him to school with bakesale items, make him three meals a day- every day. I do everything and there was not as much as a thank you.
I told DH that first I was upset with SS but now I am more upset with DH because it is HIS job to teach SS to be thankful, respectful and courteous and he failed.
He apologized and said he'd do better. That he doesn't want me to ever feel unappreciated or taken advantage of and he'll do better. I asked him to please make sure he addresses it because it is important and he is the one teaching his child how to treat me, and he needs to do better.
So, I felt better. I saw DH pull SS aside last night, but that really could have been about anything.
Still no acknowledgement from SS, but we'll see.
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Comments
This is my second Mothers'
This is my second Mothers' Day with SS and DH. Last year I was upset because DH gave/lent SS money so he could buy his mom something for mother's day. This was about a month after she popped DH's tires, put sugar in his gas tank and DH and SS moved in with me and my kids so she couldn't keep vandalizing. I was livid then, but more about him giving the kid money. Of course there was no recognition on that day either, but the situation was quite different.
This year, both of them should have done something. Dh also tried to say that he didn't have time because we dropped SS off on Sat night and he was gone all day, etc. etc.
I responded, that that was interesting. Because we still had time to recognize MIL and DH even had time to give her another call to thank her for bringing over some spaghetti to our MOther's Day brunch that we hosted for the Grandmas. I wasn't trying to argue, but he's not really great at listening and he's not very good with reasoning. And BTW, I didn't get a thank you for preparing the brunch OR cleaning it up. He said, "what do you mean, i did the dishes".
I said, "um, ya. After I asked you too. Remember when I was cleaning up and your mom asked why I was the one doing dishes - it's mothers day and I'm pregnant! It wasn't till I asked him to do the pots and pans that he assisted.
dur!
I agree. He said he's spoken
I agree. He said he's spoken with SS last night, he's sorry, it'll never happen again.
We'll see.
He's a dumb dumb some times, but if I tell him what I want, he's happy to change or fix things.
Again, we'll see.
He did! That was his instant
He did! That was his instant defense as he hands his checks over to me and I manage the finances (just as I manage EVERYTHING else) in our home and I'll occasionally give him money if he's going to go to the store or needs to buy something. This is not by my request, of course. He actually just recently opened a damned bank account when I forced him to.
I don't want to put DH down, but he is definitely lacking skills in certain areas, though he excels in other areas. (How's that for diplomatic?)
That's how I am with my Step
That's how I am with my Step Mom. She's been around since I was about 11 and I've been with my dad since I was a baby.
I know I'm not her child and I know there are huge differences in the way I am treated and my half siblings are treated, but she was good to me my entire life and very good to my father.
She deserves respect.
This same time thing has been
This same time thing has been bugging me since Sunday too (although a bigger issue popped up so I shan't be addressing it).
We are full time custodial. No visitation with bm even. And neither skids made any effort. I got a casual happy mothers day from them at dhs prompting at breakfast. No card, no craft/gift or actual appreciation from either one. And I know for a fact that they both had the opportunity to make cards and gifts in after school care, and they jus chose not to.
I get that its probably a sore holiday for them, being g that their real mothers have left them, but I have been the one taking care of them in every way for the past 7 years. That fact clearly means nothing to them.
But it still hurts. I know
But it still hurts.
I know that SS13 is in lala fantasy land with BM now as she has been absent from his life for so long, but HELLO?
It's still DH's fault though, in both our cases, because DH is the parent and they need to teach the skids to pay respect.
I think being a step mother
I think being a step mother is the most difficult role to take on. I understand your need for appreciation. I agree that the best thing is to openly communicate with your DH. He cannot know how you feel unless you tell him. Even though to you, some things should probably seem kind of obvious. Good for you to speak up! Keep speaking up
Agree completely. He's happy
Agree completely. He's happy that I can talk to him when I have things that are bugging me. And I feel the same.
I know he can't read my mind, but he certainly can tell when something's bugging me. If I keep it in, it will just come out (usually very badly) at a later time.
Last year DH didn't do
Last year DH didn't do anything for me. I told him how hurtful it was that he didn't even acknowledged me even though I was doing a lot for the kids. He said he understood and will do better. Well fast forward to this year, the kids (meaning DH) gave me framed pictures of them! yep. ss6 gave a framed picture of himself from school and so did ss4. And BM got the same presents I did. I asked DH "why did the kids give me pictures of themselves and they're giving BM the same copies of the pictures too?". He was like "your frames are the expensive ones while the frames they're giving BM are cheap ones from the dollar store". Needless to say I wish I didn't get anything from him at all than get a picture of the boys that he later insists we hang in the hallway. I was hoping after our talk last year that he'd do something nice for me this year if not because of how much I do for the ssons but because I'm carrying his child now. Being a stepmother sucks big time most of the time. Let's see what next year brings....