Feeling Lost
I have recently become a SM to two children (SS, 5 SD 7). I have two children of my own from previous marriage (S 11, D4). I have been with my husband for two years now, recently married. My SS is driving me crazy. My husband feels that I start out at 100 with him (SS) on my irritation scale. SS has is disrespectful to myself, most recently the bus driver, and any other person who plays the authorative role other than my husband. I hate going places bc i know from the beginning that it's going to be a bad time. The excuse I get from Dad is that SS has ADHD...but no medical conformation bc Dad had it growing up so he knows. Did i mention mom is in the picture and we have shared custody (one week on one week off). SS is not always a bad kid. He can be sweet and loveable. I do alot for him...like helping out at baseball games in the dugout (which is something i dont generally do, i would prefer to be spectator). I am just at my wits end...SS behavior is causing my husband and i to fight bc i don't feel he gets it. SS doesn't act like this for him but husband is aware of this behaviors. I feel like I am just a spectator...sitting back letting mom and dad decide whats best for SS while I'm the stressed out and miserable.
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ADHD has nothing to do with
ADHD has nothing to do with disrespect. ADHD is an inability to focus with hyperactivity. If he is energetic and has a hard time listening that could be ADHD but if he rude and verbally disrespectful then that's something else. Your husband needs to step up and start parenting.
I found that my SD's were
I found that my SD's were always harder to deal with when we first got them back from their Mom. Is it worse then? It is possible that she is talking bad about you or saying things like "she isn't your mother.. you don't have to listen to her" etc...
The good thing is that there seem to be some good sides to the boy. So it's not all bad. I would have a conversation with your DH when things aren't tense or at least not at a time when there is a specific transgression to discuss.
I would say, that if his son DOES have ADHD that he needs to see a DR to see what the best treatment plan is. Medication? Counseling? Tell him that it might NOT be that, so for his son's sake, they owe it to him to get him medical attention if he needs it.
I would also tell him that if he won't address the behavior issues with his son then you won't be able to do as much with the boy. Mild disengagement I would call it. When the boy is acting right, you are willing to do more with him, but you won't stand for disrespect etc.. so if that switches on, DAD will have to take over whatever is going on with the boy. This means you won't be taking him anywhere alone or watching him without his Dad there.
Oh, you have a "blame the SM"
Oh, you have a "blame the SM" DH. Good luck. You are in for a long haul and a load of disrespect from both your DH and your SS. When your DH tells you that you're the one with the issue, HE's disrespecting you. Apples don't fall far from trees.
Step back and do ZERO parenting for this kid until Dad learns how to respect you and teaches his son to respect you.
And not having the child treated for his ADHD is medical neglect. Allowing it to be an excuse for his behavior is disrespectful to you.
SS is 5 not 15... time to be
SS is 5 not 15... time to be firm and if Daddy wants to say anything then put him back in his place as well by saying
You and BM created this, you better parent if you do not like the way I'm parenting, sooner kid learns to respect people and behave the better it will be in the future..
Successful parents require
Successful parents require that their spawn treat other adults with even more respect than the kid treats their own parents.
A kid getting a little moody or lippy with their mom or dad or Sparent upon occassion is normal and part of growing up... however.... getting lippy with non family member adults.... nope. That crap was nearly a death sentence in my parents home.
Kids should be held to the Yes/No Ma'am/Sir standard. Getting lippy with a parent/Sparent should be met with appropriate consequences... getting lippy with a teacher/bus driver/etc... that should be met with a significantly escallated consequence.
Until your DH catches a clue on this.... he is fencing with parental failure regarding acceptable behavioral standards from his children is concerned.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the comments. I don't want it to come off as DH isn't doing his share. In all reality my two children call him Dad because their dad is not in the picture. I think my husband is in denial about how bad the situation really is. Part of me feels that SS says hurtful things because he wants to push me away and get me out of the picture. When in fact I'm not going anywhere. I do more for the step children than their mother...on her weeks they still come to our home to get on and off the bus. Luckily we have a neighbor who is able to do mornings but I am home with them every evening until she picks them up after work. Giving her enough time to basically feed them and put them to bed and do it all again the next day. On the weekends she has them she pushes them off on her parents because she always has plans. Being a stepmother is so much more difficult than i could have imagined. My husband has said he doesn't know me anymore and i am not the woman i was when we first met. I have become so miserable that I have started pushing him away and truly just want to be by myself once he walks through the door. Our life is very stressful right now with SS in baseball and SD in cheerleading. Husband started a new job and works long hours currently. Feeling like a single mom to 4 children....I am miserable all of the time. I don't look forward to having to meet the bus in the evening...as bad as it sounds it is easier for me to stay at work but I don't have that option. My children most certainly are not angels but they respect me and what i have to say.
He hasn't been in the picture
He hasn't been in the picture for over a year. We have been divorced since my daughter was a year old....(seperated when i was 6 months pregnant bc he cheated). He never really wanted to be a father when we were together let alone apart. When we apart his gf at the time made it a point to "make him be dad". Now that he has no positive influences in his life he doens't feel the need to have any contact with the children. I don't push the subject because quite frankly they are better off without him.
I think you fell into a
I think you fell into a common SM trap. Especially because you have kids of your own in the same general ages. The dynamic that your DH expects you to fulfill is the "mother" of the house to ALL the kids, not just your own.
I think what you are seeing from the boy is maybe not too much different than some people get in "in tact" relationships with children. Kids will often "blow off" one parent while being perfect angels for the other. My brother's 4 yo is pretty perfect for him but his mother has a hard time dealing with him. No ADHD, it's just that the kid can sense fear.
Lump on top of it that this boy might have ADHD which makes his impulse control lower AND he has a Biomom that may be undermining your authority and you have a difficult situation on your hands.
You are an instant mother to 4 and have only limited ability to control and discipline 2 of them. Since it is unlikely that your DH will be willing or able to change his work schedule, I can make a few suggestions.
1. You ask him to do something and he gives you the attitude, you give him one chance to "do better" or he can go to "timeout" until his father can come home and mete out a punishment. If that is his room, he should be told to get his PJ's on and get in bed, lights off. No toys or electronics. Then when DH gets home you just say "little Tommy told me to shut up when I asked him to not hit his sister... so he is waiting in his room for his discipline from you".
2. See if there is any way you can get some respite from running around to all the activities so much. It seems like a lot and honestly at 4 and 5 years old.. neither child needs to be in an activity if they are already going to school. I understand that those things might be "fun" but if it is exacting a huge toll on you to coordinate all the running around and nose blowing (since they are young).. just give it a few more years until both kids are old enough to be getting rides with other parents (reciprocal of course) so that you aren't killing yourself.
3. Really insist on a diagnosis because there may be behavioral therapy that might work.
4. Don't worry too much and try to keep in mind that a 5 yo is going to act up and out.. just part of the territory.