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I think this was the final straw.

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 10:26pm

My H and I have been having problems since the beginning. His drinking is awful- he stopped for a few months and started again for the 3rd time in 5.5 years. Every time he drinks his personality changes drastically and he becomes even more of an ass at the drop of a hat. Has no filter, doesn't care who's around, has embarrassed me countless times by screaming at me like I'm an idiot or a child over the littlest thing. So a 2 weeks ago he brings his 2 kids to our weekend cabin where I have been staying since covid for the most part. Since being away I have had so much time to spend on our 1 and 4 year old, I can see how much I haven't been focusing on them as much as I should because when I'm home it is so toxic/he's so toxic. My baby is on a great nap schedule now and my 4 year old learned the alphabet and much more. So his kids come and everything is thrown off- I had all of their favorite foods here for them the only thing I asked if that they keep the eating to the kitchen area because we had ants a few weeks ago and 3 huge spiders plus new carpets in bedrooms- his son walks in with his hood up, straight to the food makes himself cereal, great no one and goes to walk to the bedroom. He does things like this all the time. Then I have to say to my husband " did you not notice that?" Only then is when he will say something - he's a Disney dad to the Max. Last week during his time with his kids he asked that I take his daughter up with me and our two so I agreed and she spent the week up there which was totally fine. Fast forward to yesterday- my girl friend came over to sit outside and my baby usually naps at the same time twice a day so when we're by the oool I rock him in the stroller and he naps- yesterday his son comes out yelling at the daughter then jumps into the pool(in the 3 feet water, not the other side of course) splashed the baby- my H yells at him and then I say"if you're going to jump just jump in the deep water on the other side the baby is napping" and his son storms inside. H goes after him then comes out yelling that I need to go apologize to his son. I'm embarrassed becaus this is what he does every time someone is over- he has no control not does he care. I told him no and don't speak to me anymore. I packed and came back up to the cabin with out two and I don't want to go back home. He has every excuse and in his head it's me that's the problem. I get that I'm the adult but I don't think that means I deserve to be disrespected and that I have to then just keep trying with a kid who is so very rude. H says he'll fight me for 50% custody. I don't trust him for a minute with our babies as I saw him last week turn his back and get out of the pool while our 4 year old was in there without a beat- he took it off and let her swim for a few mins and went to get out. I had to remind him. This is one of many many examples. I am at a total loss. I really just needed to vent. But can anyone give me any input on this? I don't know what to do from this point. 

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 10:47pm

This man has alcohol problems and isnt a good parent to the SK.  He is verbally abusive to you and shockingly negligent to your little bios.  Get a good lawyer and fight for full custody.  I'm so sorry. I remember what it was like.  Stay strong, Mama.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 11:42pm

Your husband is an abusive alcoholic, who neglects your children with him, and treats you like a servant.  I think it's now a matter of when and how, not if you leave him. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 12:38am

Contact a lawyer and find out where you stand. Get a job - it will help you get full custody if you can show you can support your kids. Contact al-anon.org and get some advice on how to deal with the drinking. When you have a plan, divorce this guy and fight for full custody. Would he let you have the kids full time if you didn't ask for child support? While I don't generally think that is a good idea - when someone is in the postion you are, where you need to keep the kids for safety reasons, it is an idea worth considering.

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 6:20am

I don't think he'd let me have them full time no matter what because he knows that's what I want and he thinks all divorces are like his last where he got 50% because she agreed to everything- even no child support. I will contact a lawyer and get all the information, thank you for you comment. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 6:01am

As the others stated- your husband is an alcoholic. He has proven to you that you and your joint children aren't enough to stay sober. He quit- so why are you fighting for this?

I was in an abusive marriage once. It was one of the hardest parts of my life and I try to forget it as much as possible- but mostly I try and forget who I was in that marriage. I was weak. I was pathetic. I am NOT weak or pathetic. I am strong and fiery and fierce. I work in a profession dominated by men and I will make a whole room shut up and listen to me. I will never allow myself to feel so small and worthless again.

I wish there was some way to show you that you are strong too- you can survive on your own. You can take your life back. 

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 6:26am

I definitely needed to hear that. You're absolutely right, he did quit trying and I now need to quit this. I just have fear holding me back- I'm afraid that since I don't have actual proof of his drinking, his neglect and his verbal abuse that he will somehow be able to get an better lawyer (he has the money for it) and end up with at least 50% custody. That is the one and only thing keeping me there. 
I respect you so much for getting out of your marriage and taking back your life. I am really hoping that I do the same. 
I'm at the point that I wish I would just wake up one morning and he would just disappear into thin air- or leave me 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 6:37am

Please don't be like me. I waiting until he picked me up by my throat, holding me against a wall and telling my daughter that he was going to kill me. She was 5. 

Thankfully my kids don't really remember that stuff anymore- more of a feeling of they didn't like it there vs. actual memories. 

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 7:02am

I'm glad you got out. I hope to get out before anything like that happens. Did he fight you for custody? Child support? I have been wanting to homeschool my daughter and not enter her into preschool since before covid but especially now. I had a plan together for our years ahead and I feel like everything is going to unravel and he knows that. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 7:59am

We did not have joint kids but that doesn't matter in your case.

I was still held captive by him. Get a job- now. If he fights you for custody then fight back. Ask for help. Call and see if there is someone who will work on a scale for you. Call legal aid. Call your parents and friends and siblings. If you need help- Ask. This is not the time for pride, it is the time to take control of your life back.

Yes, in divorce plans change. Homeschooling sounds great and all but what your kids need right now is a home where they don't have an alcoholic father that is abusive to their mother. They need to see their mother stand up for herself and protect them. 

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 8:23am

I will work on this. 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 9:09am

I took 2 years..yes 2 years to plan my escape.

1.  secure employment. 

2.  Divert part of your paycheck to an account held only in your name.  Make it look like a 401k payment or whatever.  I made it the same the amount it would have been for a 401k contribution.

3.  When getting groceries, etc get cash back..like $50 or whatever you can affort.  Deposit that into your account.

4.  Start to video your husband drunk. Send the video to an email only known to you. Or put it up in the cloud in dropbox or something like it.

5. Copy all important papers and secure them in the cloud or put them into a lockbox in your name only at the bank.

6.  Start to journal when he abusive or neglectful. Save this in the cloud or save copies in the lockbox.

7. Save all text messages/emails from him.  Keep copies in the cloud or the lockbox.

8. Have a bag pack and ready to go with essentials for you and your kids.  You may need to leave in a hurry so have things ready.  

9.  If you can, secure housing.  I rented a condo with the money I had saved and was ready to go.  My ex threatened me and I left with my packed bag with my kids. We had a place to go.  

If you are afraid he will hit you..most likely he will.  Be aware it will get worse when you leave...they hate when they have no control. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 9:16am

The night I left I went and got an emergency RO. It kicked him out of the house for 3 days. Just long enough to get my stuff and rent a cheap apartment. 

Everything Halo said is the best advice any of us could ever give you. The things in the house are just things. You can get more things. An old suit case tucked away with a few changes of clothes and some basic essentials is all you need to take with you. 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 11:18am

and pretty  much nothing else.  I gave my ex the house, the cars, the money, all of the house furnishings.  In exchange I got full legal custody of my kids and 50/50 physical.  I also got the holiday schedule I wanted... I recorded all his phone rants, documented his stalking me and had documented his physical abuse. I was granted a permant 5 year protection order.

His attorney told him he better take my deal or it won't go as well for him in court. 

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 10:19am

So much for this advice. I will do exactly this. 

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 3:10pm

Just a couple more additions to this excellent list - 

1.  Make sure you have some cash hidden in a secure but easily accessible spot.  Fox example, in an envelope taped to the underside of a seat in the car that you exclusively drive or folded into an old compact/rolled into a cleaned out lipstick in your purse.

2.  Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.  It is a quick read and it will not only give you invaluable information but it will also put steel in your spine and remind you that you have the divine right an ability to protect yourself and your children.

Good luck to you!!!!

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 12:35pm

And not doing anything to help himself like AA.   It's never going to get better.  It's only going to get worst.  Now he has an excuse to drink more.   and being a bad parent on top of all of this.
 

You know what you have to do.  

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Tue, 07/14/2020 - 5:58pm

This test detects alcohol abuse:

https://www.verywellmind.com/cdt-testing-detects-heavy-drinking-67675#:~...(CDT,alcoholic%20has%20had%20a%20relapse.

Your lawyer can request he take this test if you "fear for the safety of your children". No reason to decline on his part if there is no issue, right? 

Also, depending on your state and other things (like how long he has supported you), he may be ordered to pay your legal fees. 

Try and find out when he is driving while intoxicated - call the police and report it. (When he calls/texts...fish for info.). 

ETA: Sorry about my link fail...but you can google the test. 

Sounhappy909.'s picture

Submitted by Sounhappy909. on Wed, 07/15/2020 - 6:35am

 The link worked. Thanks for this information