Do you have any legally binding agreement?

Has the status quo always been 50/50? 

A custody case is expensive. We have spent over 100K over the last 6 years. Does BM have the resources to be able to have a long battle? Can this be solved with one hearing?

If you have been 50/50 for years without a legal agreement, and can prove it, your DH just needs to get an attorney and file first. He who files first has the upper hand in court. You are looking at a fair and equitable parenting plan that has been the plan for years (it sounds like). A judge won't likely change that.

Is it possible to get the kids into some type of therapy. that will give them an ear that isn't involved in all this. my hearts for them. and for you.

We had a HCBM and we never used OFW.  I think OFW is only an advantage if someone from the court views and cares about what is said.  Without consequences, people just do whatever they want.

We just blocked BM from calling, and ignored the vast majority of her texts and emails.

PAS is terrible and I'm sure you are fed up with it, but there isn't anything you can do about BM's behavior.  The only thing you can do is assure the skids that it is okay to love both sets of parents, and they shouldn't have to choose.  Tell them they are not responsible for BM's happiness.

I don't know the laws in France, but here in the US, having a child write a letter to a judge wouldn't go favorably for the instigating parent.

I consider it child abuse.

Toxic Troll and SD16 SMPS are super enmeshed for a super long time. TT has her child so brainwashed that she doesnt believe that her mother would choke or slap her own child. Yep she said that to me.

Yet she did, more than once, slap and choke the eldest in front of the youngest and its on texts admissions from TT about it. Along w a "lol at least shes 18".

mentally abusing them for sure, I mean it ended in a panic attack! I would seek for someone for them to talk to in the meantime.

I am sorry you all are going through this! It is disgusting with a bio parent doesn't care how what they are doing is hurting the kids as long as it benefits the bio parent themselves in some way.

Like others have said, therapy is your best bet to help the children see that this is not their fault, to help them to think independently, and to help them to build coping skills. 

There is nothing you can do to change BM. Clearly, her tactics have worked for her in some way and she likely has convinced herself (and others) that she is "only looking out for the best interests of the children". 

In my situation, BM tied the kids up in knots. They would come to our house and regularly scream at DH "why do you hate mom?!" "why do you hate our family?!" This was in response to nothing. DH would say, "I don't hate your mom, we just don't get along very well, right now." He would tell them that they didn't need to worry about adult issues because both parents loved them...and on and on and on. The worst was when BM demanded a mediation because she said it was "traumatic" for one SS to come to our home. She then tried to force DH to agree to the kid seeing a "therapist" who works with lawyers to investigate child abuse. She then called DH's brother who agreed to meet and talk to Skid, but did so in secret, without telling DH. BM said she was going to get an affidavit from his brother and her father saying DH was abusive. This was all based on nothing...and really, I think she just wanted DH to pay her more CS. DH agreed at the mediation that Skids should both go to counseling (he actually requested it at the prior mediation), but BM only took them three times before deciding they didn't need to go anymore. DH went to two sessions with SKid (as he also agreed to) and that was where he found out they didn't go anymore. I think BM felt threatened because the counselor did not tell SKids that DH was a terrible person and a terrible father. In fact, in their joint session, the counselor said to SS, "you're lucky to have a dad who cares so much about you." In the session, this Skid said, "I was talking to mom about my relationship with you (DH) and she says it's bad." So, it's pure manipulation on her part, but I know she would swear to the death and say that SS was the one who said the relationship was bad, not her. DH's brother and mother then told DH this whole thing was his fault and he was just "at war" with BM. It ruined my relationship with the two of them and I think it also ruined DH's relationship with them, but because they're his family, he still tries to give them a pass, saying, "I think my brother's heart was in the right place." I'm not that generous. 

I also consider it child abuse and think that due to the child's obvious reaction to it, I would call child protection and ask their opinion about what to do next? If he had bruises, we'd call them, wouldn't we? Then we should also call for psychological damage, in my opinion. This is very serious and can have lifetime negative impacts on the children. 

Hi,

I am in your same situation but after 11 years of it. Our skids BM was trying to get them to say bad things about their dad while recording them on her phone. She has never stopped messing with their heads. They still fiercly defend her, although she is a terrible mother. 

Given the damage she has done, and will do to these stepkids in the future, you may want to discuss with DH giving her full custody. He has already lost his kids - he just doesn't know it yet. We have ours every other weekend - something DH agreed to so that BM would stop brainwashing his kids. Guess what? She didn't stop. He is going to be paying for these kids for the rest of his life, and they are going to hate him no matter how nice he is. Do you want to stick around for that? If so, you may want to keep your assets separate and live separately, so that the skids don't harm you too. 

It doesn't work out for everyone, but it worked in our favour,  BM bad mouthed DH and I non-stop. But we made sure to undo that badmouthing without doing our own. "Mom says...xyz"  was met with "Does that sound right to you? Here's a picture of you and Dad when".... or "Does that sound right to you? Have you ever seen or heard your Dad (or I) acting that way to anyone!?"  Or sometimes, "Mom doesn't like you", "Well that's unfortunate because we really don't know each other. But don't you worry about it, it's not your job to defend me. I just don't ever want to hear that you joined in saying mean things about your family here."

it worked. They learned quickly that only one person was lying to them, and only one person was stressing them out.  That combined with other things was a big factor the kids spending more and more time at our house as they aged. They just hated the stress and the attempted loyalty war.

requirements. If therapists are, get the Skids in front of one, Even it they are not legally required to report abuse, the kids could probably benefit from therapy to help counter  BM's toxic crap.

Good luck.