Please Help - Completly Lost-BF meeting son for first time today.
Hello,
I am new here, I am a BM, however my boyfriend has a child who is 7 and has not been involved in the child's life, as a mother I felt this was unacceptable and found out way and helped him make the steps to make contact with his ex to his child. This has finally happened and I don't know how to handle the situation. He wants me to go with him to meet with her and the son, I feel I should stay out of it. He also doesn't know what to say or to do when he meets his son. He does pay child support and always has, but as we all know that is no where near enough to care for a child. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you for this site!
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I would follow the instincts
I would follow the instincts you already have, this first meeting is between father and son, once they are more comfortable, then you coming into the picture seems better. Especially if BM is going to be there- this is high stress for her too, don't want her thinking it's YOU pushing your way in.
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
Thank you
Do you have any advice for him? How do you explain to a child why you have not been around?
They don't ask...
The only one's asking are the adults. And he probably won't ask until HE'S an adult.
My son doesn't even like to talk about it. He'd rather eat pizza and play video games. When I try to 'discuss' it, he changes the subject.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Hi there...
I am the BM of a 12 year old that met his dad for the first time 2 years ago when he was 10.
We went to a restaurant that had video games (and a bar for me). We had lunch and the two of them played a racing game and some pool. It was kosher and they had fun. The only one that was uneasy really was me but that's a whole other story.
To be honest with you, it would not have mattered to me that he brought his new wife/girlfriend as long as she respected me and didn't want to use the time to discuss any matters relating to my son.
BUT I'm pretty open-minded though and if your ss's BM is anything like my skids' BM, there is no way that I would advise you to go.
So I think it should really be up to you. You need to feel comfortable as well and if you don't feel like you should be there. Don't go. He'a a big boy, let him handle it.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
son
I have a different take on this situation. He asked you to be there and there is a good reason for that. He is going into a situation where he does not feel comfortable, where the X and his estranged child are, and it was not his idea. Sounds like he wants you there for moral support and you were the one pushing for it and now he needs you.
If you have a child of your own I would take the other child and hopefully diffuse the stress. If I were him I would not push the relationship especially since they are total strangers. A seven year old is probably not going to ask a lot of questions so I would just go with the flow.
From the BM/child perspective...
My BS10 has never met his father, either. (Father's choice, not mine.) I remarried when he was three, my husband adopted him and my husband is "Daddy" and has been for as long as BS can remember. My BS has no desire to meet his father, although he did have some mild curiosity. I've never bad-mouthed his biological father to him or anything like that, just answered his few questions about name, where he lives, what he looks like, etc. That seemed to have appeased him for the time being. He currently has no interest in forming a relationship with his bio father. "Daddy" is his dad, as far as he is concerned. The bio father's rights were terminated when our divorce was finalized, so he cannot ever opt to come back in to my son's life.
Your BF should try to keep his expectations really low. The child may not warm up to him, at least not right away. He may even be resentful. You can about imagine the whole mix of emotions that are going to be present! I think he has to play it by ear and pay close attention, because the child will give him cues to follow. The father/son relationship will not happen right away. It could take months, even years to really get there. He should go not expecting to give or receive a whole lot, just to make contact on this first visit and kind of size each other up. Baby steps!
As for whether or not you should go... I'm divided. Please, don't take this the wrong way, but "girlfriend" and "wife" have two very different connotations. You may be just as committed to each other as if you were married, but it's easier to defend a wife's right to be there to support her husband than it would be to support a girlfriend's right to be there to support her boyfriend, especially if the BM doesn't want her there. What kind of BM is she? Is she reasonable and civil? If so, maybe BF could ask her if it would be all right to bring you for moral support and go from there. If she doesn't agree, then don't go. If she's not reasonable enough to approach about this, then definitely don't go. I personally would not go. This first meeting between father and son should be about them, and only them, and it might be hard for BM to stick to the matter at hand with the girlfriend present.
Why hasn't he been in the child's life up until now?
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Does his son have a Stepdad?
Is the BM remarried or has a BF? Just wondering if the son has any type of male figure in his life. Also was the BM against or give trouble about him seeing his son. Good Luck! Tell him to do what feels natural when he gets there. I agree with Anne on the girlfriend vs. wife thing and he should ask the BM if she is OK with you coming. Let us know how it goes.
wow! You all are a blessing
Ok---I am taking all of this to heart and printing everything to take home with me. To answer everyone's questions at once (i hope this is ok), He did ask me to go for moral support he is scared and since I've been through divorce and a custody battle he feels I can help put perspective on the situation.
I agree 100% Wife and GF are totally different and I don't want to offend BM at all, I was highly offended by my son's SM and I don't ever want to make another woman feel they way I felt. I am not trying to take over as his mom and don't want her to think that's why I'm there.
I have never met the BM nor have I spoken with her to know anything about her, according to BF she's crazy (but that's just his side of the story and I know how men are about ex's). I asked him to please ask her if she is comfortable with me coming today and he said he didn't ask but it's fine. (I feel it's not without her knowing)
His son doesn't have a step dad or a male figure in his life.
It's hard to say why he hasn't been in his son's life, BF tells me the BM didn't want him around and she got pregnant then left and said thanks for the baby,(but again I don't want to judge because I only know one side of the story), she will call occassionally and says things like, thanks for the new car, thanks for paying the insurance (with child support), I am just at this point baffled.
I thank you all for your advice and I will be utilizing all of it today. I will give updates tomorrow!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :0)
He met his son last night...
Good morning everyone! I want to say thank you again for this site. We decided I would ride with him to meet his son so he would have someone to talk to there and back, so I dropped him off at BM's house and went to the store, then he called and said that son is in summer camp and they were going to pick him up from camp. 2 hours later he calls and says to come get him. The kicker is she has told the son that her ex boyfriend is his daddy and she has to the son that my BF is her new friend! I told him he needs to call her right now and you both need to talk to son because now he's thinking you're mommy's new friend that's taking him fishing?! WHAT?! Ok, help, am I wrong? I was given the impression she had already prepared son for this and I don't know guys I think this is really wrong, the agreement is he can go to basketball games and 2 days a week go out with her and the son or come to her house and they play there, I think this is not a good idea, because now the son is going to think he's a friend and who knows when they say hey this is really your daddy, I think this is going to cause more damage to him, this situation is hard enough as it is, I feel his son needs to know now and he says he has to do what she says to see his son and it will take time until they feel comfortable telling him. ugh!
My oldest SD was in this situation.
My SD16 is the result of an affair BM had while DH was deployed in the first Gulf War. To make a long story short, DH decided to step up and be her dad and to try to make things work with BM. DH's name is on her birth certificate and he and BM agreed that DH would always be her dad. They agreed never to tell her anything different.
When BM and DH got divorced, BM knew she could collect more CS from two dads than from one, so she sued the real bio father for paternity and CS. SD was six when she found out that Daddy wasn't really her father. She's been in and out of therapy ever since. It was a horribly traumatic revelation for her and one I don't think she has ever really come to terms with. Maybe she never will. She's almost 17, has known about her true parentage for 11 years, but she still has a lot of conflict about it. She handles it really well most of the time, but the conflict is always there.
I think, as much as you may not like it and as hurtful as it is to your boyfriend, that it's 100% BM's call what she tells her child, how much she tells him, when she tells him and, yes, even IF she tells him. The child comes first, period, and I think she's right to ease him into this transition. She doesn't have to allow it. She could have fought it in court and she would have won.
I don't blame her for not wanting her son to go off alone with a stranger and, shared DNA or not, your BF is a stranger to this child. This is not a case of BM keeping the child away from him. This was his choice, too. It's a little hard to sympathize with him changing his mind now, when the child is going to be hurt by it. And believe me, the child will be hurt if/when the truth becomes known, whether he finds out now or in a few weeks or months down the road. I know I'm coming off a little harsh here and I apologize for that, but this cuts pretty close to home for me. I have nursed my hubby through the pain of his baby finding out that he's not really her dad and I know HE will never recover from that.
You said he's always paid child support. Is there any order for visitation or custody? What does it say? Does BM have sole legal and physical custody? Does your BF even have visitation rights spelled out in a court order? I'm curious about this. If he does have court ordered visitation, then legally he may have a leg to stand on, but whether he has one morally, I just don't know. As a stepmother, I wouldn't touch this one with a ten-foot pole. I'd be supportive of my hubby, be there for him, listen to help, help him through it, but I would not push him one way or the other in regards to his relationship (or non-relationship) with his child.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
hard
i would say not only is she worng but she wants to spend tome with your dh also id say she is tryign to create the image of a familey between them there are you invited to the games ect ect ect ?
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
doesnt sound right
I agree with your feelings soontobe- the child will be confused, sounds like to me too like recently mentioned that she wants to be able to spend time with your BF-
your BF really needs to talk to the mom..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I agree.
Thank you recently retired and sarahbernheart, that was my thoughts exactly! I plan on talking to him about it over dinner tonight.
To answer you recentlyretired, No I am not welcome to the games or the "time together", because then she would have to explain who I am and she doesn't want to do that! Thank you ladies so very much!
Hi Anne...
Thank you for your comments very much, I appreciate the harshness, this is why I'm here, I'm confused and don't know what to do and appreciate the honesty here.
Ok, yes she has sole parental responsibility, he isn't even on the birth certificate as the father and the son has her last name. I honestly feel I haven't been told the entire truth and maybe that's why I'm so confused on this. He always gives short or one or two word answers when I've tried to talk to him before.
He said when he was younger they met in a court ordered room and it was a traumatical experience for the son, he had nightmares, and she moved to Wisconsin with her then current boyfriend and BF gave up at that point, that's the story I received.
So Anne, I shouldn't say anything to him tonight and let just the tree of them do things as a family and I never get involved? I just don't understand that. BF lives with me and my son and what if he gets him down the road and brings him home? Am I thinking too far in advance, do I need to just go day by day and not worry about this stuff?
Not never, just not now.
I think the "instant family" is going to be way too much at first. By the time my SD met her bio father, she was not only getting a new dad, but a new stepmother and new half brother. It was a lot for her to absorb. It might be too much to get a new dad and soon-to-be stepmother and stepsib all at once. I think once dad establishes a relationship with son, then dad can slowly begin to integrate child into his family. And yes, you will be a huge part of that! When dad starts bringing him home, you and your son are going to become a part of his family, too, and you will have a major place in his life. But I think you're still a few steps away from that. I think if you take it slow, you'll all make an easier transition. And the further you stay away from BM, the better. Let your BF deal with her.
Just because they are doing things together doesn't mean they are a family. It's just two parents trying to ease this transition for their child. I know it's hard to think of the three of them together, but lemme give you an example. Let's say my SS is seriously injured and is in the hospital and it's life-threatening. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that my husband and his ex-wife would both be there for SS to help him through the crisis. There's also no doubt in my mind I'll be left out in the waiting room with BM's husband. It doesn't make them a family. It really doesn't. It just makes them his parents.
I know it's hard not to worry. I mean, you're a mom, so you're going to worry. It's what we do! But I think you focus on what you can do NOW to support DH and maybe keep in the back of your mind what you're involvement will be after father and son have formed a relationship. Be doing the "preparation" now so that once they have the father/son thing going, you'll be ready to welcome him into your whole family. Oh, and yep, I'm a firm believer in going day by day, because you can't plan for volatility and there are probably going to be a few explosions in the very near future as you guys get this all worked out.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Who set the meeting up at
Who set the meeting up at BMs house? Why didn’t they meet at a public place? Why would he go to a meeting to meet his child when the child wasn’t there? Did he get a DNA and is he going to get one? His name is not on the birth certificate who knows who the father is? Why would she want to be alone with a total stranger that she doesn’t even know for 2 hours? It’s clearly obvious that she is a liar telling the child that the boy friend is the father rather than telling him the truth and what else has she lied about. Yes, it’s traumatic telling a child who the real father is, but the earlier the better. If a child grows up knowing the real truth such as BF, adoption, or whatever it isn’t as painful as later. He needs to get the DNA and if she refuses petition the court to get it. You may regret the day that you pushed for this because now there are going to be 2 more names added to the marriage license. There is a reason that BF was not pushing for this meeting and you need to remember that before you have children with him.
Oh my...
What am I going to do?! To Anne: Thank you, I have thought about it and we are looking at getting a 4 bedroom house, so that the boys have seperate rooms, I want to prepare my son for this too and it's hard when I don't want to say anything to my son yet, because I don't know when BF's son will be coming along with us. I am a huge planner and I that's why I'm getting ahead of myself on this and want to prepare my son. He adores my BF and calls him his SD and they are very close and I don't want my son to be left out now that BF will be doing things with his son and ex girlfriend and my son and I will be left doing things just us (is this wrong?)
To Sparky: He had paternity done when the child was born and yes he is his, she left without notifying BF and that's why he hasn't been involved, I said I can't date a man that is going to take care of my son and he not be involved with his son and that's why I pushed him to find her....SHE set up the meeting at her house and he said he is just going to agree with everything she asks to continue to see his son, he doesn't want to be pushed out of the picture again. I agree she is a liar and I feel it's HER responsibility to tell her son she LIED and fix this, I'm taking to hear what Anne said and it doesn't need to be pushed.
Boy this is a lot tougher than I thought it would be, I feel wrong, but I'm thinking we should go our seperate ways, but that's wrong of ME I feel because I did push for this and now I want to run, I should stick it out, but dang...
Nothing you're feeling is at all wrong.
Not at all, don't think that for a minute. We're not talking about months and years here that it'll be BF/BM/SS on one side and then you and your BS on the other side. Not at all. We're talking about several weeks to maybe a few months. A couple of hours a couple of times a week just cannot compare to living in the same house with him as a family, and besides, it's temporary. You opened the door for your BF, but he needs to walk through it alone and scout the territory before he pulls you, your BS and the rest of your extended family into it.
This is actually the easy part. The really hard part will be when BM sees that her child is becoming a part of your family, and has a new stepmom and a new stepsib. And if you're lucky enough to have your future SS love you, the BM could have a really hard time with that. Leaving or staying, that's a very personal decision, but I don't think your involvement in reuniting your BF with his son should play into it. Your BF is a big boy. At any time in this, from the time he conceived SS to this very moment, he's had the ability to make his wishes known and follow his own heart. You can't feel responsibile for this.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Thank you Anne, you have
Thank you Anne, you have been a great help with all this. I read a lot of the other mom's on here and you have so much knowledge. Things are going well, I have stayed supportive and don't say anything, things are going just as you said, he was able to spend yesterday with his son alone and we will be taking both boys school shopping next week. Thank you for everything.
Right now I feel luckier than the other SM's here, she seems very nice and reasonable, now that I've stepped back and realized like you said, he's a big boy and this is not my battle.