SS wants a job, BM is psycho
So...just came to vent. SS is 16 wanted to get a summer job, but his mom kept telling him no. Her reasoning being that she had a summer job growing up and it caused her to get poor grades. You know, because summer jobs are like that, I guess.
Anyway, we let him get a job where I know his manager well, and that I know we can communicate scheduling due to an unsual custody schedule. That way, he only works when he's with us, and his mom never needs to worry about it. Part time 5-10hrs/wk, minimum wage, food service. No big deal, and not a bad first job for a good kid looking to pocket a few bucks with honest work.
Mom finds out, throws a fit to DH, saying that there are legal ramifications that he signed papers to allow SS to work (there weren't, other than a work permit that would need completed once school starts by a guidance counselor, but he doesn't plan on working then). She is guilting SS that making about $100/wk is going to cause their entire family financial duress because they will stop getting food stamps and tax refunds because of him working, and that he's not allowed to because she didn't consent (nothing in the parenting agreement says he can't), and that he's ruining their family by having a summer job while he's with his dad.
None of the BS she told him is true (we showed him tax laws and food assistance eligibility requirements), and we told him that it was up to him whether or not he wants to work, and that we support his decision either way and can help talk it out or walk him through making a decision (not based out of fear of consequences at BMs house). I told him it was ok to quit if he wants, but to put in a notice and work out the remaining scheduled shifts he has out of respect to his co-workers and managers.
His mom is telling him that legally he doesn't have to put in a notice, and that I'm giving him awful advice by teling him that he should, and she's messaging DH and SS telling them he isn't allowed to go to his shift tomorrow. Beacuse of her feelings.
I wish she'd go pound salt.
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Pound salt? BM can eat shit IMHO.
I hope SS has the intellect and confidence to keep working while he is in your home on visitation. I would also rub BM's nose in the stench of her bullshit and send her the same information you reviewed with SS.
Make sure BM knows that SS knows she is full of shit.
As he was growing up my SS-30 gained understanding of the facts, the CO, the supplemental county rules, state regs, etc.. He was able to shut their shit down in real time. They hated that he was informed of the facts as he grew up and ultimately knew instantly when what the were spouting did not pass the smell test.
SpermGrandHag would call my DW ranting that SS did not need to know all of that. The more SS learned and was able to call their bullshit in real time, the more unhinged SpermGrandHag would get.
Eventually, they just stopped their crap other than to occassionally attempt to guilt SS into ask his mom to drop the CS requirement. Since SS knew that CS was a pittance, that did not work out so well for the SpermClan.
Their final attempt was to whine to SS that he should have his USAF pay include a direct withholding to repay them for the CS they paid over the 16+ years of SS's CO.
Nope. He did not fall for that crap.
IMHO, it is a great idea to keep your SS fully abreast of the facts, in an age appropriate manner, as he grows up is exactly the right move. It will give him the ability to protect himself from his toxic BM as he grows up, and after he is an adult. People like your SKid's BM and my Skid's SPermClan do not stop being toxic POS people. Kids need the tools to protect themselves not only as kids, but as adults.
You and DH are doing this right. Your SS is fortunate to have quality adults on your side of his blended family.
"His mom is telling him that
"His mom is telling him that legally he doesn't have to put in a notice"
In addition to what you told him about respect for others, you might want to add that prospective future employers will contact his past employers for information. Ask him if he wanted prospective future employers to think he might just walk out on them at the drop of a hat or if he wants them to think he's a reliable type?
I agree with how you're giving him all the relevant information he needs - good for you.
This is a good thought, too,
This is a good thought, too, thank you! I'll mention this as well.
Facts
This is a perfect opportunity to teach SS how to separate facts from nonsense. Critical thinking is an important part of growing up, blind obedience to BM (or anyone) is not. I would push pretty hard to have him keep the job. He will only do it on the time he has with you, and it gives him spending money, and you two are there to support him in the beginning. He will learn the discipline and courtesies he requires to have a job. BM has already shown she won't teach him that. BM just wants to go first. She wants him not to work until it's at her beck and call and then she will make sure it's in her area. Make sure that he spends his first paycheck on something amazing that he's really really wanted. I bet you that encourages him to stick it through for the summer. Working is always a really good idea for the young kids .
I would go so far as to say "Dad's house, Dads's rules, and teenagers in this house work". Tell him he can "blame" Dad, which gives him the excuse to work without defying BM.
Ugh I wish! BM blatantly
Ugh I wish! BM blatantly hides what goes on in her home but thinks she has every right what to control what goes on in ours.
What really breaks my heart for SS is that he is sooo afraid of her because of how unstable she is and lashes out at them so bad all the time. He's literally to the point that he's afraid to go back if he keeps working and doesn't think it's worth it to be mildly assertive and defend what he wants because she will do nothing but rain punishments down on him for months, just because he wants to have a good work ethic.
How old is his brother?
How old is his brother?
My other SS is 12
My other SS is 12
Interesting thread
SD17 Power Sulk is not "allowed" to get any kind of job because that would take away their low income housing where they pay almost 300$ for a 2 bedroom apartment in Beach Town. I havent really looked into it, but its probably true, because Toxic Troll is using PS to qualify...
Perhaps you want to have a
Perhaps you want to have a conversation with SS about self sufficiency and personal responsibility and doing what you can to avoid relying on government benefits. Show him the benefits of work vs. dependency, and the benefits of having a job on his resume for future employment and college applications.