Hello,

This is my first posting (on this site or any online forum). I have been reading a lot of other posts and haven't seen a lot on the issue that I'm having. My boyfriend has twin girls from a previous, horrible marriage who are almost 6, and do not cause me any problems. He has them a few hours each week on Wednesday, then every other weekend. My problem is that I can't come to grips with losing my "firsts" that I will share with him if we're married and I can't seem to move past that. I am so heartbroken that he has already had children with someone else even though I know that he wishes he could take back his past (he stupidly thought divorce wasn't an option and finally agreed to IVF with her even though he did not want children with his now ex) and only share those things with me. I obviously know he can't and I feel such sadness over the fact that he is a father to another woman's children (and I have never been married or had children) and feel that we will lose that intimacy/connection that I have looked forward to sharing with my future husband. He tries to assure me otherwise, that we will have a "real" family because he made a mistake previously but of course can't just ditch his children who are innocent victims in this. I try to think of the positives and that I should forgive him for the mistakes and know that he truly loves me the most and would be thrilled and loving to our own children. But somehow I keep slipping into this deep sadness that I can't shake when I think about losing those "firsts." How do people who feel this way (an inherent sense of loss) truly get over it and don't let these thoughts reoccur? I am questioning whether I can and should just accept this in order to marry a great guy or hold out for someone who has no drama.

We have broken up before over my lack of acceptance, only to get back together. I'm usually a very humble person, but want to throw out all the facts. I am in my late 20s and have no shortage of prospective boyfriends. I have an amazing job, make tons of money, and am extremely attractive. He is everything I would want (other than the baggage...and yes, he has a horrible, hateful ex that I am afraid will be unending drama) and is also in debt due partly to their divorce, etc, but has huge potential to turn that around and also has an amazing career. He is a great guy and we get along well (other than issues over his past). I also think he would always put me first (has demonstrated that repeatedly), want help/guidance on parenting and not make me the third wheel, etc. But I question if I'd truly be happy dealing with his past when I'm bringing none of that into the relationship and could find another amazing boyfriend (I've only dated lots of great guys). Please let me know if anyone who feels this pang of sadness over losing the "firsts" ever changed and didn't slip back into those thoughts continuously. Thanks!!