BF is driving me nuts!!
Little help here. My Bf is driving me crazy. He has a drinking problem - yes problem - he drinks at least 4 24 packs of cheap beer every week. I keep some wine coolers around the house for me but a six pack of those lasts me several months and if BF runs out of beer after the store closes he will drinks my wine coolers instead of just stopping drinking. I was married to an alcholic so I know that the problem. BUT I divorced my EH so that took care of my issues with him for the most part. I have confronted my BF many times that I think he has a problem and he responds by saying stuff like I am bad with money - SO no one died from lack of funds. BF's family has questioned him several times and he says he does not have a problem. Honestly, in the almost 2 years we have been together I can count on one hand how many days he has gone without drinking and those few days he was sick - throwing up sick. When we first starting dating I did not think much of his drinking because we were going out on dates and having dinner or going out to play pool - places where drinking happens. This all came to a head - again - last night. BF is a night owl and comes to bed anywhere from midnight to 3am. I go to bed between 9 and 10pm since I get up at 6am and workout - this is a new thing for me. Anyway, BF comes to bed lasy night after midnight and curls up next to me with his super cold legs and wants to get "busy" with me. First of all, he startled me awake so that makes me crabby and second of all his breathe wreaks of beer. We do have a standing agreement that he can wake me up but I have had to have several talks with him on the proper way to wake me up if he wants some. His idea was to basically start pulling my undies off while I was still mostly asleep and then he would wonder why I would get annoyed and say no. Anyway, I told him no last night since he woke me up so rudely and he got mad and said find your own place to live. The irony of that is I own pretty much everything in the house - furniture, dishes, linens, food, etc. BF has his clothes, some electronics and his tools and that about it.
The custody evaluation starts any day now and I am concerned that his drinking may come up. My kids have made comments to him about how much he drinks and he just blows them off. Right now, there are over 10 yard size trash bags in the backyard full of empty beer cans that I plan to take to the recycle place tomorrow. They have been collecting out there all winter and I had no idea there were so many until last week when I looked out back. From what I have heard from friends and family of BF and BM they both drink alot so I doubt BM will bring up BF's drinking since then she would have to answer for her own - her nickname was 2 drink *****!
What should I do? I love BF very much and love my home, etc and don't plan on leaving I just need to figure out a way to get him sober or a least point him in that direction.
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smurfy
One thing I have learned is that he will never do anything about it unless and until he admits he has a problem. I also learned that there is nothing you can do to control his drinking. They never do have a problem or at least think they can control it themselves. Alcoholics are liars and master manipulators.
My H is an alcoholic. He was sober for several years before we married and I foolishly thought he would never drink again so as to not jeopardize our marriage. I should have known better! My H has been struggling to stay sober since Dec 2007. I already left him once because of it. Three months after I came back I caught him again. His drink of choice is vodka. He doesn't think I can smell it on him but I can. I am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. Although he is sober for now I don't believe one tenth of anything he tells me. I am always on the lookout for signs that he has been drinking.
Last month my ex brother in law died at the age of 45. He was also an alcoholic. Apparently he had three heart attacks, although he never regained consciousness after the first one, and he had pancreatitis. He was the reason I finally split with my exH. My exH blew me off so he could help "save" his brother. I told him his brother would never change unless he wanted to change. My exH eventually believed what I told him but by then it was too late for us.
I feel for ya. If I had known then what I know now, I would have run screaming for the hills and not have married my H. He knows that I will eventually decide whether or not I want to live the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I forgot to add
Your H probably doesn't even realize what his breath smells like after drinking all that beer. To me, beer breath smells like sour milk. I would have said NO too!
Unless he sees it as a
Unless he sees it as a problem, he isn't going to change. Does he go to the doctor? Would a doctor tell him what its doing to his liver? I too had a problem with exH & drinking, not that he drank all the time, but when he did he got violent. So about 6 months into our relationship, he was no longer allowed to drink, ANYTHING. It lasted about 3 yrs, then he slowly started again, first behind my back. Within 6 months, he hit me and I divorced him. He's had 3 DUIs since, in the last 2 yrs actually. He's now being kicked out of th Coast Guard for them and is in mandatory AA meetings. Its been a problem his whole life, but it escalates when things aren't going good for him and it winds up getting him in trouble. I wouldn't allow my kids to live with someone that sets this example. Thei childhood greatly effects how they turn out in life, who they become. You might need to start giving out ultimatums or actually listen when he tells you to find a new place to live. Maybe then he'll see his drinking affects other people as well.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
He won't stop until it costs him
My dad was alcoholic until he was about 60. Then he finally 'grew up' when my mom developed alzheimers, because she needed him. He was the only one who had time to care for her the way she needed and eventually it because too much and she had to go to residential care. Now that he is sober he can't believe all that my mom accepted and regrets he never helped her more. My mom was a saint and just wanted him to be happy.
The point is, he will stop when HE decides he wants to. My dad had DUIs, lost jobs, etc. but nothing made him change until HE saw that he had to step up. My personal lesson from this is to NOT do everything and FORCE DH to carry his part of the load. It is really sad that they don't grow up until they are forced to. So can you force him, by putting more of the load on him?
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
My father was an alcoholic too.....
so my most successful relationships were with men who rarely or never drank..(I associate alcoholic men with violence) so for me....if I dated a "partier", it just didn't work for me,..I think u have to ask yurself why u are involved with men who drink heavily or have drinking problems?...I mean, in the dating process u can tell if I guy is a casual drinker or excessive....and based on u having an alcoholic exH, I think maybe u need to take a look at why u would pursue a relationship with a man that drinks to excess?...maybe u want to subconsciously "save" them?...ok, this is getting too deep here...LOL...not trying to psychoanalyze u....just trying to help u maybe get some insight on why u choose certain men....I know when I looked at MYSELF...i saw that I was repeating negative behavior and had to make the changes i needed to move forward....
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
I dont know what the custody
I dont know what the custody evaluation is for, but if its his kids or your kids, it should come up.
Someone who drinks that much is someone I would pay every cent to keep my children away from.
My father was an alcoholic, as was my grandfather. Both very different drunks but both caused significant pain.
As an Ex of an alcoholic why would you want your children around this behavior? Is this what you want to stamp on them as normal behavior. Even worse, is this what you want your daughters to see as what a man should be?
Sorry to sound preachy but this is subject I take very seriously.
You wont get your BF sober, no chance, zero. Only your BF can get himself sober and its clear he is not close to his bottom when he will realize he needs to change.
My ex was an alcoholic...and
My ex was an alcoholic...and he would never admit it...hell it took me a long time before I admitted he had a problem. My parents saw it and for years they never said anything, then my mom mentioned it once and I defended him. that started me thinking...and until it became so bad that we didn't hang out any more together...he'd be on the deck drinking...and I'be be inside with our daughter. I too could count on one hand the # of nights that he didn't drink in the 22 years we were married. I decided that I no longer wanted to live with an alcoholic. Family and friends were very surprised when push came to shove that he chose the alcohol over me and our daughter. He could be sick during the day, but come 5 o'clock, and it was amazing how much better he felt in order to mix that drink.
I'm afraid there is nothing you can do if he doesn't think he has a problem. You cannot change him, unless he wants to change. I would think long and hard about staying with this man, you've admitted you were married to an ex alcoholic, you know what it's like, why would you want to repeat this?