My ss will be 4 in April and when he come to visit bm names does come up at times, and I want to tell him that is mother is a crazy b*tch. But you can't say that to a child. I just try to ignore it or tell him "that's nice honey" and move on. I'm new to this sm thing also and I think a good question to ask is do they grow out of it eventually. I also wonder that when your ss/sd is very young when you enter the picture, is it easier for them to accept you as there sm. So far in my situation, I do not get along with the bm at all but my ss is very playfully and so far loving towards me.

I'm in the same boat as you two...my SS is 4 also but he never mentions his mother at our house...unless you count the times he tells us he doesn't want to go back there and he cries when she comes to pick him up..I've been in his life since he was two and he is like a second skin to me..anywhere I go he is there..I have to be the one to bathe him and read him his story at night..I wake up in the mornings and he has gotten out of his bed and is snuggled up to me in our bed..now there are times when he will say stuff that his mother said and we just explain to him what the truth is in a way he understands because his mother is a hypocondriac (spelling?) about everything..but other then that you can't even get that boy to talk to her on the phone if she calls..I agree that going into a relationship when they are young is much easier as they attach to you very easily and love you unconditionaly..
have a great day ladies!!!

I have 2 SD's that were 4 and 7 when I came into the picture and they took to me very well. They are now 7 & 10 and our relationship is just as good as it was when we first met. They do bring up their mommy - especially the youngest. I try to just say "oh really?" or comment on what they say and then change the subject. Obviously, they love their mommy and are very attached to them, so if they want to talk about her, then I suck it up. And I figure, you know, they probably do the same thing about us when they're at their mommy's house. I know that when we do something at our house that is exciting to them, they go right back home and tell mommy all about it - so I'm sure she gets tired of hearing about me at times, too. As they get older, I'm confident the talk of her will be less and less.

My SS was a lot like that when we first got married. He was six, but with the learning disabilities, his mental age was much less. It took a lot of re-directing. (That's nice, but we do it here this way. I know you miss your Mommy, but why don't we go find something fun to do. Let's talk about something else now, like...) Ultrak is right, you just have to ignore it and move on. It gets easier as they get older and do it less and less. So tell us what a lunatic she is and just smile and nod at the child. Hang it there. This, too, shall pass.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

how my mom does it. Or if you want to make really good oatmeal like mommy you need to buy it at the Cub by mommy's house.

Stuff like that can get on my nerves after a while. However I always feel guilty as, they are little kids and I am 38. Little kids should think their mom hung the moon. I always tell them when they tell me these things, " Oh really, that's nice, but there are more than one way to skin a cat." ( No idea where I ever heard that ) But that one always gets there attention.

Not only do I get to hear how their mom does stuff, but their grandma as well & there racist grandfather who is perfect as well.

The oldest especially is devoted to his mother & it is sometimes obvious that he isn't telling the truth when you question him about something. Don't get me wrong, she is a good mom, but sometimes it is obvious that she has put her relationship before the kids lately.
Yesterday when I picked them up after school they had their valentines boxes. His was not decorated & was a portable dvd box ( not covered at all) When I asked about it , he was like oh I didn't want to do anything with it. He then tells me how they wrote out valentines late last night & he almost ran short.

If she would relinquish some power we would love to help out with stuff like that, but she won't. DH had to literally fight her this summer to let us feed the kids before she picked them up & drug them to oldest ss's practices. Her reason was she likes to eat with them. ( if they waited it would be after 8 pm before they ate )

I know she is busy & entitled to have a life... it's just frusterating to know if she would just let us be involved her life would be easier. DH has told her repeatedly that she didn't need to take off early for Dr's appt's that he would take the kids ( he used to be off work at 2:30 ) she won't do it. We live 5 minuets away from them for a reason.

I do think that women in general tend to be bigger martyrs. We feel like we need to do it all.

I find it a whole lot easier on my sanity when I completely remove my emotions from the equation. I took SS to pick out a birthday cake for his birthday party (he is 11, I figured he didn't need a special cake), and when there was not much to choose from, he said, "my mom got me a big cookie cake for my party at her house." Instead of getting jealous or insecure or mad like I used to do, I just said, "that's cool," and continued talking to him about the party like we were just friends and his mom was just some woman I didn't know. Later I told him that if the kind of cake was important to him I would ask him next year ahead of time what kind he wants so we can order something, and he said that he didn't really care. I think he might have just been testing to see what kind of response he would get, which sounds like what your SS may be doing. I would say just be patient with him. He probably doesn't intend to upset you. Divorce is extra tough on a kid that young.