Thank you
I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone that gave advice on my last post. It is not that I want to have anything to do with BM, but it is that I realized how much I would be caring for these 5 children while they are here during their 6 week summer visit. It is you all that encouraged me to make the BM and BF care for these children and not me. If BF is not able to care for the children, due to work, then he is the one that needs to hire a babysitter for them. BF leaves works for 1:00 p.m. and comes home around 1:00 a.m. 5 days a week which would leave a lot of the child care left to me. By making him find his own care for them, I will not have to worry about taking them to the doctor or notifying BM if an emergency are to arise. YEAH for me! LESS DRAMA!
The crappy thing for BF/DH is the cost of child care and the hours that he needs the care. From the estimates that we are getting, we are told $35-$50 per child per day, so $175-$250 per day or $875-$1250 per week. Then multiple this x6 weeks. Thanks BM, you are saving me a lot of time and energy!!! See, I thought due to trying to be amicable for the sake of the children and BF, that I would watch the kids while BF is at work. BUT you all are right! It is BF job to find child care for the children if he can't be with them! The SK will be with a sitter all day while I am off work taking mine to the park, zoo, etc. The costs of transportation and child care are no longer my issue. When he has to wake them up to pick them up at the babysitters house then he can worry about their morning crabbiness and putting them back to bed when they get home at 1:30 in the morning. As it stands DH and I split care for my bio kids. We were going to try to do the same, but fortunately for me, my ex is way more amicable than she is. This eliminates all possible solutions for ANY contact with her which makes me happy and less stressed. She won't be able to threaten my with court. We have decided that all the costs for the his children (my Sk) is his responsibility along with the child care. Whether he and BM can afford it, NOT MY PROBLEM!!! I do know that BM will have a fit when she finds out the cost of childcare, as she thought that it was reasonable to leave the 13 y/o SS in charge of all 5 of them while we are at work. She stated, "there should be no child care costs." Really? Who leaves their 13 y/o child in charge of 4 younger siblings well into the night? Again, it won't be an issue now!
I was really trying to make it more reasonable and easier on DH by watching the children the hours that he is gone and to minimize child care. In order to do this though, I would have to take the responsibility on myself which will give BM reasons to harass me. The SK won't be able to do near as many fun things over the summer, but it is what it is, I guess.
Thank you
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Comments
So you're going to cut off
So you're going to cut off your nose to spite your face???
You're really going to let $6000+ walk out your front door just because BM won't speak to you???
I'm all for having SKs attend summer camp while dad works, but to throw away that kind of money because you can't control BM is crazy.
The hours that BF and I work
The hours that BF and I work are not summer camp hours. I don't want to speak to her. Makes my life much better without, but since I am the one that would have them at least 12 out of 24 hours of day where BF is unreachable, agreeing to emergency contact seems prudent. I am tired of the "I am going to take you back to court" or "I am going to sue you" that she constantly threatens on us both.
I have offered to pay the
I have offered to pay the babysitter to stay. He refuses to have a babysitter there while he sleeps since that is the only time DH watches mine, when they are asleep.
Would you be ok with "looking
Would you be ok with "looking after" the kids after they have gone to bed/sleep? Could you hire a college kid to watch the step kids from 1pm to say 10pm and then as you have kids as well presumably you would be home in the evenings anyway so you could watch them all till your husband gets home. Hiring someone to look after the kids in your home will probably be more cost effective with that number of kids. Do you have room to offer a room for someone too, that could help you cut what you pay too. In case of emergency you call your husband at work, he can call BM. You would save some money and the step kids wouldn't be disturbed in the night.
If you don't want the kids at home when your husband isn't there, then I don't really know what to suggest. Perhaps you have a trustworthy friend or relative who would welcome an income for a few weeks over the summer but won't charge as much as commercial child care providers?
Wait a minute. Your husband
Wait a minute. Your husband will watch your bios and you're going to make his pay to have someone watch his???
Sooner or later your husband is going to get sick of your petty, control freak games.
Disneyfan, I think there's
Disneyfan, I think there's more going on here. Some things aren't making sense.
Disneyfan, so you are saying
Disneyfan, so you are saying that I am controlling BF/DH???? WRONG!!!! He agrees that is what must be done to keep him and I out of conflict with BM. DH realizes after being married to the BM, just how crazy she is. BF is a psych RN and really believes that she is a sociopath. It is not BF and I that are nuts.
Again he does watch mine out
Again he does watch mine out of willingness. I have offered to let him go. However, it would be him that goes. It is my house. The biggest issue here is her calling for "harassment" and threatening even the BF constantly. I don't want to deal with her at all. The point is IF an emergency arises I may need to contact her due to BF not being able to be reached for 12 hours a day out of 24.
Again, she won't allow anyone
Again, she won't allow anyone other than BF to contact her for any reason.
The reason that the first
The reason that the first post was deleted is because it doesn't depict the whole story. I am not sorry that BM and I don't speak. I do not miss being friends with her. Our friendship ended before BF and I got married.
To help clear this up.....BM was the one to have the affair and leave BF for SF. BM was the one that was pregnant while married to BF. BM and I WERE friends in high school, 18 years ago. Since that time, BM has changed (we probably both have).
I am not refusing to watch SK, BF and I agree that in order to avoid drama from the sociopath BM, that it is best for a sitter to watch SK while BF is at work and someplace other than our house. BF works afternoons and is gone from 1300 to 0100 5 days a week. SM (me) work nights 1900 to 0730 3 days a week. We have a sitter for bio children that live with us. BF goes to bed when he gets home from work and the sitter leaves. I have offered to have the sitter stay so that he does not have to deal with them ever. BF does not want that. BF wants to be there for the family. SM was offering to do the same in return (watch SK while BF is at work) for the family. A problem with both of our jobs, is that frequently, and more often than not, the other is unaccessible. For this reason, BF and SM have seen times that consent for medical treatment for a child is necessary when a biological parent is not available. In this case, the other parent (BM) would be needed to give consent for medical treatment. This is the only contact either of us desires to have with BM. And really it would be more the medical staff that would need to talk to BM. But, it would be different in BMs eyes if BM wanted to know what is going on after giving medical consent. Then BM would decide that talk be allowed. Funny how when the situation benefits her, the rules change. SM is fine with telling SK, sorry you have to wait until BF gets home to use his phone to call BM. Even though it is pathetic to have to tell a child this and SM doesn't agree with it, but it is not necessary so that is how it is. For crying out loud, BM wont even let SK talk to BF on anyone's line other than his. If BF is 5 minutes late calling, BM won't allow SK to talk to their BF.
If BF texts BM a month ahead of time to say that we are going to be in town, BM says she doesn't know what is going on and can't commit that BF gets his children, despite court order. At the same time, if we wait just a week before coming into town, then BM states, "I wasn't given enough time to accommodate your requests." Summer visits- state that noncustodial parent chooses the time frame if the parent's don't agree, BM refuses and demands that BF "work with her." And by "work with me" BM means she chooses the timeframe.
And lets get another thing straight, BM does not have a thing against JUST me, it is ANYONE other than BF. That in itself is weird. Why would you want to talk to your ex? Although BM doesn't text or e-mail important events in the children's life, like a baptism. Why would a BM not want to know what is going on with her children while they are 1200 miles away? Less for us to worry making sure we inform BM of. Why would BM want to hurt her children by not allowing them to call from whatever phone is available?
SM would do anything and do, do everything to avoid talking to my ex unless I have to. SM send emails with updates on the children just so SM doesn't have to talk to him. SM feels that ex has the right to know what is going on in his children's life. If he chooses to show up to soccer games, etc. then that is on him. At least he is given the opportunity. So, as much as DH and I hate my ex, we are both amicable when information need to be exchanged. DH is not given the chance to go to any of the children's events because BM refuses to inform DH. If DH lived closer, DH would just get the information himself. DH and SM don't slam doors, throw things, yell at the other parent, yell at the children, etc. either.
It's rather funny that BMs new husband even thinks that BM is wrong and crazy. Poor bastard got sucked into the BMs trap. SF has said he doesn't know why he married BM. It is also ironic, that now BM is not allowed to say "jump" and BF doesn't say "how high" that BM is even more angry. The real issue here is BM has realized the grass is not greener on the other side and just how good of a husband she HAD. Now BM can't fall back on BF if the new marriage doesn't work out, like BM admitted to SM she wanted. Perhaps also why BM was upset after propositioning BF for sex 2 weeks after divorce. BM calls BF and says, "come over after work, I have a question for you about the children." When BF shows up, BM is standing there naked and propositions BF. What kind of person does that and then throws a fit when BF rejects her after she left him for another man? What kind of person says "lets have sex and video record it for memory sake' after they are divorced? Its even more funny how BM would call BFs roommate and ask where BF was, what time BF got home, etc. (while we were dating). How BM would drive around and stalk BF? And you say BM isn't crazy?
BM is stupid enough to not
BM is stupid enough to not see an emergency room visit as an emergency. Coming straight from her mouth. When BM took SS to "EMERGENCY ROOM" with a sprained ankle, BM claims BF was not notified because it wasn't an emergency. Pretty sure the name of the visit tells the nature of it. As BF and I have said, can't fix stupid!
It doesn't matter if she
It doesn't matter if she feels its unnecessary. He is the BF and has a right to know. The divorce decree states that custodial parent must notify the noncustodial parent of all events, medical treatments, medical appointment, academic awards, etc. that a child is being honored and allowed to fully participate. It doesn't matter what BM deems as unnecessary. We aren't scared just tired of the bullshit! Because if BM would try to push the issue (like with communication) then we have to deal with the drama. It may mean court, hiring a lawyer, etc. Just plain bullshit! I thought that the point of the forum is to vent and get advice? Not bash one another whether it be BM, BF, SM, SF, etc
Ok I just read threw this
Ok I just read threw this forum... And I feel like all you SM's need to back the heck off! What the heck is wrong with you people!!!!! She cares about her family and those children. Why would she waste all this time vent (to the wrong people) about the well being of these children! Why would she want a relationship with BM if she such a B to her because she cares about the kids and their mental health... Duh! And bottom line when she married her husband she married those children too! People change and it's ashamed that her BFF is now a phsyco brain washing controlling mother. These poor children are being kept from a father because a BM is tariffed her kids might just enjoy the life their dad is now living and the kids will probably enjoy the new family he has to offer. She made this decision when she brought another man in. Ultimately she's playing mind games with 5 children. Sad sad sad! :O Btw if my son was at the doctor for even a cold you bet your ass I better be getting a call!
Yes, its a basic principle we
Yes, its a basic principle we are taught as a child. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It is horribly sad that the SK have been withheld from their BF for 2 years now due to their psycho sociopathic BM. The good thing is, the SK are seeing who is really wrong and creating the problem. That is the reward in the end. The more BM pushes, the bigger witch she comes across as.
There was visitation schedule
There was visitation schedule but she was very. It did not dress long distance. N even what was that about long distance she wouldn't follow. We recently moved back to court. And hopefully now it will be settled.
NO BM is NOT a RN. She is an
NO BM is NOT a RN. She is an extremely obese, uneducated, unemployed individual who lives off welfare and child support. BM continues to pop out children, 8 now, to get more government assistance and public aid. Sad and pathetic example of a parent for any child to see.
Please don't misunderstand, I do not refuse to help or support my DH. Both DH and I agree that there is no working with BM. I see what a good father BF is and how sad it is BM prevents visits and communication with him. In deed, we are both tired of BM controlling us.
It would remove myself from
It would remove myself from dealing with her BS
First parents sign medical
First parents sign medical releases for schools for that reason. Second, there is a difference in emergent and urgent medical care. If you don't know the difference, you need to learn that. Urgent situation would be something that is important enough that you not wait to see a PCP but differs from emergent where the situation is life and death. A broken arm versus a broken arm blocking blood flow to the hand that risks loss of the hand. Simply, a broken arm in itself, is not an emergency and will not be treated without biological parental consent. In the event that the same diagnosis, fractured arm, poses a threat of loosing a limb, then it becomes emergent. (http://www.ushealthworks.com/Services/Urgent-Care/ER-Differences.html) If you have ever had a painful fracture, you might consider it emergent however, it is not. Would you want your child OR SK to sit there in pain while BM is a phone call or text away, while BF is unreachable? Especially since BM reasoning is to simply not want contact with ANYONE other than BF? I am not saying strep throat or an ear infection. BM may not ever be told about that simply to avoid drama. If BF choose to contact BM that is on him.
A simple solution here is to have BF sign medical power of attorney allowing me permission to have the SK treated and make medical decisions in the event that SK are in my care and BF is unreachable. However, what I am honestly not sure about is, can BF do that without BMs consent since they have joint custody. IDK if the courts would say that the 2 would have to agree, or would they see it as each has legal custody and each can do what they as BPs feel necessary? If anyone knows the answer, I would love to know the answer.
Thank you for the suggestion of allowing him to make the decision and not be too loudly opinionated. I do want BF to know that whatever he chooses, I will stand beside him.
It is not that the job that would disallow the call, it is that BF is truly unreachable for most of the shift. BF can call for assistance by phone placed on facility wall that directly dials emergency personnel. Finding which unit BF is on is the other issue. It changes daily. Just because the emergency personnel would call all 18 lines, doesn't mean that BF would be able to answer.
Also did you get the part that BM will not accept phone calls/texts/emails from ANYONE other than BF? So according to BM, this would not be an option. Like previously stated though, so say BM attempts to press charges to hospital, BF, myself, babysitter, whomever, what would BM say? "I am being harassed by __________ because they contacted me to get consent for child's broken arm?" That is going to be laughed at in courts.