SD14 setting me off
I suffer from PTSD. When I was 10 or 11, a family member molested me. This went on until I was 16. As I got older, he added more people into his games, and became very sadistic.
I still have horrible dreams. I cannot stand loud noises. I have so many little quirks, as a result of this.
I'm in therapy, and I've gotten so much better at recognizing my triggers, and being honest about what I need.
Still, yesterday was a bad day. The last week has been filled with so much stress, and so little sleep. When I do sleep, I'm having nightmares.
So, when SDs started wrestling around, I let them know that they were being too loud, and that I needed them to be gentle with me. If I could hear them at the other end of the house, it was just too much. Then I took my anxiety meds put in earphones, and started doing busy work around the house.
Less then twenty minutes later, the blood curling screams that came from their bedroom scared me so bad that I dropped a plate that shattered all over my feet. I called for SD12, (who had screamed) and when I saw she was okay, I told her to explain herself!
Apparently SD14 was tickling her. So, I was a little louder, and a lot more firm. I explained to both SDs (for about the dozenth time) that I have panic attacks, and these actually cause me PAIN, not to mention putting me in a bad mood. They needed to knock it off.
Then, I put my earphones back in, and since everything else was done, I started on the SDs chores.
A very few minutes later, SD14 started SCREAMING. She was calling for me, but I'm sure the neighbors five houses down could hear her screaming "Mom, mom MOM!" When I went into her bedroom, she asked if I'd bring her a flashlight!!!
I got upset, and told her to go take a timeout. She started arguing with me, that she had asked SD12 to bring her one, and I swear, it was almost more then I could take! How lazy can you be?
I made SD14 stand in timeout like a naughty child... it got my point across, and gave me time to calm down. Then, I told SD that she needed to write a 200 word report on PTSD, flashbacks, and panic attacks.
I took my anxiety medication, and went to hide in my bedroom after that. I told both SDs that I needed them to leave me alone, for a while. They came in five times apiece in the next fifteen minutes! 
Finally, I laid down, turned away from the door and pretended to be asleep. When they came to the door and I refused to answer them, they quit bothering me.
Two hours later, SD14 hadn't done anything towards her little writing project. Since she'd already had one plate of dinner (meat, veggies, bread), then another (just veggies), I told her no more food, until I got my report.
By this time, Hubby was home. He told me to go ahead and go to bed, and he'd handle SDs. On my way down the hallway, he reminded me to set the beside alarm, so I could wake him in the morning.
The bright side in all of this is that Hubby stepped up to the plate. Not only did he go out yesterday and EARN SOME MONEY, he came home last night and parented SDs. This morning, Hubby woke up, and got SDs off to school.
I don't know what he said or did to keep SDs away from the bedroom door, but they only opened it once. SD14 came in to tell me she'd done her report, and what she'd learned.
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Exhausted, I blogged a few
Exhausted, I blogged a few days ago about getting NO help from DH. It was so bad that I was on the phone, scheduling SDs appointment, my Mom's business phone rang, so I handed my cell phone to DH to finish up that call, and he literally refused to speak! So, him stepping up last night was a VERY big deal!
I'm proud of him!
As far as SD finishing her report, she tried to get out of it. Her excuse for anything she doesn't want to do is "I forgot!" And she tried to pull that last night, but I wasn't having it. She needs to figure out why it's important that she listen when given a simple request like "quiet down".
SD14 was physically abused at a young age, and still has scars that are visible when her knees are exposed. SD12 was emotionally abused, starting at the age of 7, and has behavior problems because of it. Hubby was physically and mentally abused as a child, and has never gotten help. So, my family is full of misfits.
It's important that we are all gentle with each other, and that we make each other feel safe. It's equally important they we all work as hard as we can at overcoming what we can, and coping with what we can't. I try not to let my PTSD (or other mental oddities) effect SDs, and they (normally) try not to set me off. Yesterday was just a bad day for all of us.
About what happened to me as a child : December 16th, Hubby and I stood in front of the judge while she gave the two of us full, permanent custody of SDs. I felt like I had a revelation that every good moment and every bad moment had lead me to that point, and it was the happiest moment of my life. That went a long way in giving me peace with my past.
Sueu2, it would be hard for
Sueu2, it would be hard for me not to be around kids, because Hubby and I share custody of both SDs. Even though he is the biological parent, I am the 24/7 parent. When he works, he works 12 hour days, when he doesn't, I'm still their main caregiver.
I agree, my mental status shouldn't be allowed to effect SDs, but there's no getting around the fact that it does. I've worked very hard to get better for the SDs benefit, and I've come a long way.
However, last week was one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Yesterday, I needed to rest and repair, since I'd spent so long outside of my comfort zone. SDs spent the last week being uber stressed, to. It was just a bad day for the three of us.
To me, telling a 14 and 12 year old not to scream and yell while inside the house (a rule that they always must fallow anyway) because it was stressing me (setting off my PTSD) is not very much different then telling them not to scream and yell because I have a headache. If it's hurting me, it's hurting me.
There mom doesn't have anything to do with their parenting, unless I invite her in. (Hubby will not invite her in, and I only do what I feel is best for them, after discussing it with Hubby. I used to discuss it with our case worker, but she's signed off on us, now.)
I really feel like SD14 was frustrated, because I had other priorities last week, and she was struggling to get my attention. She had also been grounded from her electronics, and tends to act out more, then.
As for my medication, I'm. prescribed one to two pills, as needed. I try to never take more then half a pill at a time, though, when SDs are around. (I usually only take 3 to 4 pills a month, anyway.) Yesterday, I took a full pill, by deviding it in half, and taking both halves within an hour.
Rereading this, I realize how
Rereading this, I realize how far I've come! This time, last year, I took one to three Klonopin, daily! Now, I'm down to three or four Klonodine, monthly.
It's been my choice, with doctors approval, for the girls. I want to be as clearheaded as possible, so that I can do the things they need done!